Segways, Horses and Police Bears

Today our school had its annual open house, where all the different organizations on campus come and have a booth or table set up so that they can show off their wares. Well, our city police were here, too, and they had their own little demonstration area. Now, you have to understand, the police department here scrapped their mounted police unit in favor of Segways. The officers were letting the kids ride around on the Segways (if they were wearing a helmet, of course). I asked one of the officers how fast they could go. She said "About 12.5 mph, but you can't really sustain that for long." I also inquired as to if they had any mounted police left to which she gracefully replied "Horses? They're too messy and smell bad."

I no longer have any faith whatsoever in my city's police force. Nevermind that they had a shootout with a bank robber and since their officers were such wimps that they had to call a neighboring jurisdiction to come and shoot it out with the bankrobbers. Nevermind that their officers are busy writing parking tickets when robbries and burglaries are occurring, but when it comes time for the big games at the football stadium, the officers are nowhere to be seen in writing tickets for people illegally parked who are blocking in residents. The mere fact that we have even one police officer that thinks Segways are better than horses is pathetic. Let me put a small list together for you to compare their advantages for the police force:

Horse:
1. Can gallop at nearly 40 mph. You aren't going to outrun it.
2. Can take rough terrain, including hills, creeks, curbs, rocks, mud, etc.
3. Mounted officer has a high vantage point to look out over a crowd.
4. Can side-step large crowds back if they are creating problems.
5. Is large and intimidating.
6. If officer becomes disarmed, can trample assailant.
7. Does not require batteries.
8. Generally has a service life of 20 years.
9. Doesn't cost $50,000 per vehicle.

Segway:
1. Does not shit on the street.
2. Does not require food.
3. Has no detectable odor.

Well, there you have it. An officer on a Segway is unlikely to intimidate anyone, can't chase anyone who chooses to flee on foot over grass, up a hill, or through a rough area, or even on paved surfaces for that matter, considering that the average human can run 20 mph at a dead sprint. In additon, the Segway has a notably shorter service life, and is absolutely useless for crowd control. I submit that the only way a Segway is useful for crowd control is if it is swung overhead in a fashion not unlike Conan the Barbarian with his two-handed sword. Perhaps our Governator should take up crowd control with a Segway.

This brings me to my next point: I think that police forces should work more closely with animals, not less. For instance, everyone knows the effectiveness of police K-9 units. Suspects who are perfectly willing to shoot at human officers give up very quickly when confronted with a large German Shepherd charging at them. Rather than just dogs, why not use other animals? I have a few suggestions:

1. Police Raptors - Let's train some bald eagles and red-tailed hawks to pursue a suspect from high above, much like a helicoptor, although less noticeable. Then if the suspect is trying to get away, the raptor can be trained to swoop down and tear the scalp off the bastard. A peregrin falcon can dive at 183 mph. At that speed, it could rip your scalp off, have a nice snack, and be back to the officer before the suspect had time to scream. Unfortunately, some of these birds are endangered, so suspects shooting at them or battering them when they were having their eyes clawed out might not be such a good idea. Well, on to the next animal.

2. Police Siberian Tigers - They run fast. They jump high. And they weigh 800 lbs. You give the tiger the go word, and it'll run down that fugitive faster than the German Shepherd. Don't want a tiger chasing you? Don't deal drugs. The only real problem, if it can be called that, is the cat's instinct to immediately eat the suspect. This would be a really great idea for suspects in rural settings. The tiger could climb trees and wait in ambush, pouncing on the suspect and crushing his ribcage in one giant leap. Unfortunately, the Siberian Tiger is also endangered, and we couldn't have any harm to the animal population, right?

3. SWAT Rhinoceroses - So a rhino wouldn't be a good member of the regular force. They tend to charge things and trample all in their path, plus they're pretty darn big to stick in a police cruiser. But they're the perfect size for a SWAT van. Could you imagine being a gang banger loading up your gat when you see the SWAT van pull up? You're expecting those normal SWAT guys with the BPVs and the AR-15s when you see a giant black rhinoceros plod its way out of the van much to the relief of the axles. You will most likely throw up your hands and surrender without a fight. Of course, since the rhino is already out of the van, you may still be trampled if it sees you.

4. Police Bears - This may honestly be the best idea. Imagine using grizzly bears on the force: they can outrun you, they can take bullet hits, then can bash down doors, and damn do they have the intimidation factor down. You could use it for normal routine foot patrols as a sidekick to the officer (the kids would love it), or you could use it for a SWAT entrance. Strap a nice oversized blue BPV onto the bear, maybe a helmet and some black ski-goggles, and presto--you have no more need for a battering ram. The bear simply charges the door and winds up sitting atop it, crushing the bad guy who was waiting behind the door with the loaded gun. And who is going to stand up to the bear? With what? A 9mm? A 12 ga.? No way. You need an extremely high-powered rifle with a large bullet weight, and you're gonna need to shoot that thing at least 10 times--a hell of a lot more if the bear is wearing level IV armor. Not many criminals carry around a .458 Win Mag hunting rifle. They're more concerned about shooting up their buddies with some POS Tec 9. Sorry, but the bear's hide alone will stop that. And then you've pissed off the bear. If you're going into a real nest of bad guys who are out to kill the cops, then you simply don't feed the bear breakfast and instead of shooting tear gas through the window, you fire exploding cannisters of brown gravy.

Think my ideas will ever see fruition in Kalifornia? I don't either.