A Misanthropist's Pressure Relief Valve

Albert Pujols Will Burn in Hell

2011-12-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

Today, Albert Pujols signed a record deal for $254 million over 10 years with the California Angels. Most of us were shocked; everyone thought that Albert wanted to push the Cardinals' offer as high as it would go, but at the end of the day, he'd resign with us. Now, the Cardinals did not offer him a pittance--they put up $220 million over 10 years as well, plus a part of the franchise ownership.

His choice to sign with the Angels is disgraceful. I, for one, am disgusted. In an economy like this, where people are out of jobs, trying to make enough money to keep their family in a home and provide food, we have a ballplayer who is so greedy that he wants an extra $3 million a year. Sure, $3 million a year is a lot, but it's not all that much when you're already making $20 million a year. How much more do you really need? How much more do you need to bleed the city of St. Louis, whose loyal fans love you and need heroes like yourself to look up to in this miserable time?

Sadly, we misjudged you Albert. We thought you knew what Cardinal Nation was. We thought you knew what it was to be a leader and role model in our community. You have said that people will think what they want to think and will call you greedy, but you know what your motivations really are. We may not know what your motivations are exactly, but we do know this: we sorely misjudged you. We took you at your word, we thought that you were an upstanding, honorable, loyal person and we trusted you. We celebrated with you as you traveled the World Series parade. Now we realize that you were simply using us to get as much money as you could at the time, and that you were taking everything that this city had to offer you like a frat boy fucking a drunk sorority girl and then kicking her out in the street. We now know that it was never about the city, or loyalty--it was all about you.

Now that the shock has worn off, I'm actually glad he's gone. If he's that full of himself, that willing to betray us over money, then he obviously doesn't know what it's like to be a part of Cardinal Nation and doesn't value that intangible. Colby Rasmus did not, and now Albert doesn't either. He was rated as one of the meanest players in baseball by his fellow players. He thinks he's awesome and is allowed to call plays. He is used to being treated like a god, and he relishes it. That attitude is like a cancer on the bench and is probably the reason that the 2010 Cardinals couldn't keep it together at the end of the season (Berkman saved us in 2011). Good riddance, I say. Good luck trying to get those Los Angeles fans to keep from booing you and throwing soda all over you when you strike out, or can't do shit in the post season like you do in most of your games. Do you think that LA is going to let you age gracefully and put you in the every day lineup even when your average is down and you're starting to lose your effectiveness? No way. You'll be sidelined and have to watch from the bench as younger guys get in there and steal the show. Good luck trying to get those LA managers to put up with your prima donna bullshit and holier-than-thou shit-picking, condescending attitude. I hope you remember how good you had it in St. Louis when you face that AL pitching and your average goes down. I hope you miss how much the fans loved you when you came on the field--because I sure as hell know that the LA fans won't be filling their stadium every game like we do. I hope you regret this decision for the rest of your career, because as far as we're concerned, you managed to deport yourself from Cardinal Nation.

Some of you may think the blog title is a bit extreme, a knee-jerk reaction to the sucker-punch Albert dealt us all today--but I assure you, this is not the case. I, for one, don't believe in Hell, so there's no way Albert could wind up there. However, the Ultra-Christian Albert does believe in Hell, and by his own logic, he's going there. Let me explain how.

Everyone sins. Those who confess are admitted to Heaven. Those who do not go to Hell. Except that there are deadly sins, those that taint your soul so much that you cannot repent enough to save yourself from eternal damnation. Some of the venial (minor) sins Albert has committed include lying. Take for instance, his insistence prior to this contract that he "wanted to retire as a Cardinal", and that "it wasn't about money or statistics, it was about baseball and playing as a Cardinal". He said that he would be willing to take less money to stay here in St. Louis. These were out-and-out baldfaced lies. There's no getting around them. When you choose a contract that pays out $3 million more a year (maybe less depending on franchise rights) and you're already making $20 million a year... sorry, that means it is about the money.

The more heinous sins, however, begin with pride. Pride is considered the most serious of the seven deadly sins, as it leads to the others. Albert pays lip service to loving Jesus, and says that he is humble, but how humble can a guy be when he says that $220 million isn't enough because it means he won't be the #1 salaried first baseman in baseball, and that he deserves to be the highest paid first baseman in baseball because he is the best player in MLB. Excuse me? You know you're the best and say you're the best? Not humble, even if it were true. He may be among the greats, but I would be hard pressed to assign a 'greatest' to any one player in Major League Baseball. What kind of self-aggrandizing vainglorious bullshit is that? He's lying to himself if he thinks he is not proud of himself. The arrogance it takes to turn down an outrageous amount of money and years because it is not enough while people in the city who look up to him are starving in the street makes my blood boil.

Next, we have greed. I think this is the most obvious of the sins he's committed--how much does he want? How much would Jesus ask? He knows that the St. Louis market can't pay more than $220 million--I'm surprised we could even afford that. And so he goes, for a only a few million a year more--to a big market. Hope you like your money, Albert--because that extra $3 million a year will be eaten up in taxes once you move to California--those motherfuckers take 37% of your income as state tax. Too bad your extra $3 million a year translates into something more like -$7 million a year out in CA. Ha!

Finally, we come to betrayal, not one of the seven deadly sins per se (although it could be argued that it is a part of pride or greed), but one whose location in hell is conveniently mapped out by Dante. The ninth circle of hell, the lowest, is reserved for those who commit treachery against those with whom they have a special relationship of some kind. There are four concentric rings within the ninth layer, progressing inward as the sin becomes worse, to the fourth circle, which is reserved for those who betrayed their benefactors. Let's be clear: the city of St. Louis, the Cardinals organization, and the people of this town were all his benefactors--and he betrayed us. He openly lied to us in order to gain our trust, goodwill, and let's not forget--money. He betrayed this trust when he turned down a very generous offer for slightly more money from another city, leaving us, who looked up to him and honored him as a member of our community. This is betrayal of the worst sort. Only Satan himself, at the center of the fourth ring, is worse (for betraying a personal relationship with God).

Thus, Albert is doomed to dwell not far from Satan himself if his beliefs are right. He better quit praying to God and start practicing Atheism, because a non-existent God doesn't give a shit how greedy he is.

Some of you may say that he's given us 11 great years. Sure, he has been a top player during the regular season, but his performance during the post-season has been less than stellar. He had one record setting game during the 2011 world series, and other than that, he has done very little during any of the post seasons he's played. I'm actually glad we dumped him--we got the best 11 years out of him, and he will slow down after a few years. Some of you may point to his charity work. Yes, he has done charity work (mostly for kids and his native Dominican Republic), but it's all faith-based--and not the good kind. It's like those missions that travel to Africa and offer to build the people a well--if they convert to Christianity. It might not be quite as heavy-handed, but all the things he signs have "Jesus is my savior" and crap like that written on them. Let's also not forget that he DESTROYED our classical radio station here in St. Louis. Classic 99.1 FM (may it rest in peace) was bought out by money donated in large part by Albert. It was our only classical station, and he bought it out to remake the station as a Christian rock station. We already had a few of these, and they all blow. I find it shameful that he would decimate the arts as much as he did by killing Classic 99. I should have known then that he was a destructive force that was not worthy of our attention.

Jesus may love you Albert, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.

Twilight: F- (0 stars)

2010-09-03T17:14:00.001-07:00

I finally broke down and watched Twilight. My curiosity got the better of me. I had to see what the hype was all about. Don't worry, I didn't waste any money on it, I downloaded it illegally. Whoops, did I say that? For any of you FBI agents reading this, I paid legal tender (untraceable cash of course) to a non-descript vendor to rent said motion picture. Yes. Really. OK, so, where was I? Oh yeah, Twilight.

At first, I was duly impressed with the lighting, the neat trees of Oregon, and the overall cinematography. Unfortunately, that was the only redeeming feature of the film and was akin to liking the paint job on the car, but nothing else. Yes, it can make a good car awesome, but a 1979 Yugo with a cranberry red and white racing stripes paint job is still a piece of shit. As the saying goes, you can't polish a turd.

Where to even begin with this travesty of celluloid? I shall break this movie down into components:

Cinematography/Visual Effects: B+
Acting: F
Script: F-
Plot: F-

Overall, that means the film is around an F.

The cinematography was pretty good. There were a number of shots that were interesting, and although there were too many cuts for my taste, leaving the movie feeling like a TV show, the colors and scene choices were pretty good. The reason it's a B+ and not an A- is simple: Edward's sparkling. His supposed 'sparkling' came off as a blurry distortion like someone is coming out of a dream sequence. It's almost unnoticable. Attention Hollywood: if you are going to hype a movie, spend some $$ for some decent CGI, don't let some asshole with a kaleidoscope lens do your shots for you.

As for the acting... since most of the actors in this movie were relatively unknown, it was hard to tell where the fireplace-worthy script ended and the horrid acting began. However, Edward (Robert Pattinson) has appeared in some other flicks, most notably one of the Harry Potter movies, and although he is a fairly talentless actor, he is rather inoffensive when not in a lead role. Unfortunately, putting him in the lead, then compounding this mistake by giving him a script that could have been written by a 3rd grader, led to major problems. Every line he spoke was in the same, breathy, monotone, emotionless voice. Great, you're not only a vampire, you're a fucking emo-douchebag vampire. Not to mention that, but he's supposed to be 'gorgeous'? I realize the 'messed up hair' look is in, but does your led actor have to look like he just got out of bed? And gorgeous Robert Pattinson is not. His face is flat and his nose is smashed like a professional football player. And his eyebrows? Are you kidding me? There is one reason that man does not have a Uni-brow: John Deere. They had to get a tractor with a brush hog to chop that bastard in half. It looks like two caterpillars crawled up on his forehead and started fucking. Ugh. Bella was no help either, obviously having graduated from the Keanu Reaves School of Acting. You know the one, where Ben Affleck was an honor roll student? Yeah, well she failed a year there. Did you notice how much she blinks? Try a drinking game where you take a shot every time she blinks. You'll be drunk and about 15 shots behind after the first 30 seconds of her appearing on the screen. And all her lines are delivered with this same expression of surprise/shock, like someone just showed her pornographic photos of her mom with three midgets.

The script is perhaps the worst part of the entire movie. I don't know how close it is to the original writing, but if it's even 2% accurate, the publishers should be ashamed of themselves. The script consisted of cut-off sentences, stuttered words, and the actors looking at one another and being unable to say anything. Take, for example, Bella's lines:

*GASP* "Oh..." *heavy breathing* "Bu..." *GASP* "I.." *panting* "oo..."

That happened over and over and over and over and over... and I could keep on writing this, so I will say (over and over)^23. Yes, it was that bad. Now, read those lines again and imagine a porno. Not too much of a stretch is it? That's right, this movie had a script that was worthy of a porno. Bella treats her dad like shit and never tells him that she loves him. She never completely utters a coherent thought. Is she the long lost daughter of George W. Bush? Is she mentally incapacitated? She HAS NO FUCKING LINES. The story should be conveyed through one of two things: the script or the acting. Since the acting was of low quality at best and they couldn't convey that they were in pain after a leg was chopped off, the script had to do the job. Only problem was that the script was worse than the acting. The plot (such as it was) died only a short while into the film, leaving the viewer confused. If someone had not told me the general plotline before I saw the movie, I would have no idea what the fuck was going on. Obviously the producers saw this since they had Bella do a voice over to try and explain some of the shoddily stapled together story, but that fell flat, too.

Finally we come to the plot itself. I have seen more creativeness from my dogs, who eat their own feces and rub themselves on the corpses of dead rodents. Disregarding the actual storyline for a moment, take a look at the serious problems of logic:

- Vampires are not killed by sunlight
- Most vampires are evil and kill humans
- Vampires are super-fast, super-strong, and almost impossible to kill

OK... why don't vampires rule the world? They can make other vampires out of humans. They could obviously capture and breed humans for food much the same way we do with cattle. They have NO REASON to be afraid of humans, and yet... they wish to keep their identities a secret. WHY? For god's sake, WHY? If they are super-powerful and there is no easy way to destroy them, then who the fuck cares? Show yourself and tear up hell and creation and own the world! Traditionally, vampires are powerful creatures, yes, but they have limitations on them, such as being turned to dust by sunlight, being killed by wooden stakes, beheading, or immersion in running water. They sometimes have to live in coffins to regenerate. They are sometimes controlled by a master vampire. But in this world? Nope. They are free to do what they want and there is no simple way to kill one. Logically, an evil creature would have taken over the world by now. Plot fails there.

Problem 2: Location. Yes, the vampires live in the Pacific Northwest because they can't be seen in sunlight. But they have to move every so often or they are found out for what they are because they don't age. OK, well, how many areas can you live in the PNW without people recognizing you? Seriously. There are not that many places in the world that get very little sunlight all year. Where do they live when they're not lying their asses off? A cave? Do they live in a cave for 80 years until one generation forgets about them, then pop out and live in a town for 10-15 years, then go back to the cave? This really makes no sense. They're worldly, but they can't go places with sunlight. Hmm. This gets back to the main problem of why they don't just walk out in the sunlight and kill everyone. This is where True Blood did a much better job with the vampire logic, despite its own problems.

Maybe I should have read the books because they were 'better', but I think that 2 hours of my life is more than enough to devote to this cinematic disaster. The only hope is that 'Twilight' precedes the sunset, which is a metaphor for 'The End'. In the case of these movies, that sunset cannot come quickly enough.

Things I'll miss about Kalifornia

2009-10-07T23:36:00.000-07:00

Kalifornia: Mass Irresponsibility

2009-10-07T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'm getting sick. I've got a tremendous amount of work ahead of me for the next few days. I have a long journey ahead of that. I still have a hundred pages or more of thesis to write in a short time once I'm back. But I'm happy. I can't remember being this happy in the last 6.5 years. I paid for gas by credit card yesterday and it asked me for my zip code. I put in my zip code here and it gave me an error. Then I realized that I had already changed my zip to my home address. It made me smile. Then today I put my faceplate back on my radio. I was able to listen to my car's stereo for the first time in 6.5 years without fear of some jackass stealing it because I was parking it in a crappy area of town. It makes me feel good to cruise down the road in my jalopy blasting the classical music. My car is running well. The A/C will freeze hell over in about 2 minutes for the first time in years. I'm making the time to say goodbye to the few people out here that are worth a shit (all but one from out of state originally). It gave me great pleasure when my advisor asked me to come into Berkeley one more time to talk to him face to face, and I said no.

And yet, someone out here told me that there were many things that I could do here that I couldn't back home, and that I'd miss them. At first, I wanted to completely dismiss the idea, as I hate this place. But then I came to my senses and realized that yes, there would be a few things that I couldn't do back home that I can do here:

1. Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge
2. See the pacific ocean
3. Pay $5 a gallon for gas
4. Get stuck in traffic that takes 2.5 hours to go 8 blocks
5. Have to get a bicycle rider's license to ride my own goddamn bike
6. Be charged with a felony for throwing batteries in the trash
7. Watch rich men pick up hookers at 6am in order to use the carpool lane on the bridge
8. Wait in a 2 hour line to hike up a mountain (e.g., Halfdome in Yosemite)
9. Get arrested for having a firearm magazine that holds more than 10 rounds
10. Have my car stolen, then auctioned off by the police

How many of those am I going to miss? None. You could wonder about #1 and #2 at least, but let me tell you: the Golden Gate Bridge looks better in pictures, is too fucking crowded and cold as hell. The Pacific Ocean is useless, windy, and cold. Not good for swimming, and crowded and nasty.

I looked at my address book of friends I made in Illinois: 23 people on that list I stay in contact with still. I looked at the list of people I met out here that I'm going to stay in contact with after I leave: 5. I was in Illinois for 5 years. I've been here for 6.5. Out of the miraculous 5 people I met here, ONE is actually from California. The rest are out of staters.

As for this shithole of a state, it's going down the drain already. This article has some hope at the end, but I'm here to tell you: there is no hope for this hell on earth. When God made all creation, he or she turned a blind eye to this state. There is one quote in that article which fully sums up the awful existence of this place:

"If California was an experiment then it was an experiment of mass irresponsibility – and that has failed." -- Michael Levine.

Mass Killings: Not on Target

2009-04-09T18:56:00.000-07:00

I was reading the headlines on Google news today, reading about the suicide bombers in Pakistan who killed 20 people and wondered why it is that no one thinks much about this, but everyone gets up in arms (so to speak) over mass killings that happen here in the US, even when far fewer have died. Then it occurred to me: we don't give a shit about the people in Pakistan. Or Palestine, Israel or any other country on earth. We're so xenophobic that we don't give a rat's ass about anyone but the 'innocent' here in America. The target of the killings drives our anger and outrage over the incident. Thus, I have a new proposal: change targets.

Yes, that's right. If you MUST go out and commit suicide by first killing a lot of people and then yourself or having the police shoot you, please, choose better targets. No one wants to see schoolchildren die. No one wants to see malls shot up (well, OK, the people in the malls that is; there's probably quite a few of us who would love to see some malls burned to the ground). The mass/spree killers can still have their fun without arousing public ire if they choose the right targets. Don't believe me? Think about these targets for a minute:

- NAMBLA convention
- KKK rally
- Al-Qadia cell^*
- Neo-Nazi gathering

* = The US military will pay you to do this

That's right: you can commit suicide after a mass killing and still be a hero! Do you really think anyone would give even HALF a shit if Joe Schmo took his AK-47 and cleaned house at the NAMBLA convention? I can the nightly news now:

"Thanks for that lead story about the cat stuck in the tree on 4th St, Ted."
"No problem, Sam. What do you have for us?"
"Well, Ted, it appears that Joe Schmo took the law into his own hands tonight when he gunned down a bunch of 40 year old pedophiles at a NAMBLA convention before turning the gun on himself. He was using an 'assault weapon', which allowed him to kill more of the sick bastards."
"We're gonna miss you, Joe. Sorry you had to go, but at least you remembered to take out the trash before you left."
"That's right. And anyone who wants to donate to the funeral costs is encouraged to bid on the weapon used in the crime, which is currently listed on E-bay."
"We'd like to remind our viewers that the sale of the weapon will cover Joe's funeral costs, not those of the perverts."

Yeah. No one would give two shits. It'd be a 2 second sound bite on the evening news, give a few people a laugh, and that'd be about it. So for any sick bastard reading this who wants to go on a spree killing: choose an appropriate target.

Treating the Core

2009-04-05T21:25:00.001-07:00

This recent spate of mass shootings has spawned a large outcry in certain circles to ban assault weapons. Not only is this irrelevant, as most of these shootings did not incorporate a so-called 'assault weapon', but it complete avoids the point, the same way the rabid pro-gun people think the answer is arming the entire populace.

First, people should realize that mass killings (not just shootings) are rare in the extreme, claiming on average 30 lives a year. Yes, we've had 53 die this year from mass killings thus far, above the average. But let's face it: that's 53 people. That's really statistically insignificant. We've had far more soldiers die on our behalf in EVERY major war we've ever been in, take your pick. 43,005 people died in car wrecks along in 2002. THAT is statistically significant in a country of 300,000,000 people and it's still only 0.0143%! 53 people? 0.0000177%. NOT SIGNIFICANT.

The mainstream media sensationalizes such bullshit in order to make headlines with someone's awful tragedy and/or to push an agenda. And if they're going to sensationalize the deaths of a number of people, how about we do something useful with it rather than try to erode our civil rights and bring us one step closer to a police state?

I'm talking about mental health. This country has ignored mental health issues for FAR too long. I would wager that most if not ALL of these mass killers had SOME (or many) mental health issues. Whether these issues were overlooked, whether the government ignored them or failed to get them the attention they needed, or whether their doctors simply sucked and didn't medicate them properly--we need to reevaluate the shambles that our mental health system is in.

I don't mean to say that we need to ban patients with mental health issues from buying guns--there's already laws against that and that's treating the symptom, just like banning all firearms. The real issue is to come up with an effective, compassionate way to help those in our country with mental health problems. There is no easy or simple solution. Whacking people up with drugs until they are in a catatonic state and then locking them up in a mental institution is not a very compassionate (or even sometimes very effective) method of dealing with the problem, and locking them up in prison certainly isn't either. If you've ever been in California, you'd know that leaving them untreated to fend for themselves on the streets isn't a very good idea either, since that's where most of them live here. This country needs a system where those with mental health issues get the counseling, medication, and supervision that they require and deserve. Social workers need to double check doctors medications and not let them whore themselves out to drug companies, make sure that patients aren't going overlooked as they become increasingly more unstable, and keeping people from slipping through the cracks and winding up on the streets of some godforsaken place like California.

No, there has to be an effective solution somewhere. Yes, there are those that need to be in a mental institution because they are too dangerous to be out in society, but there are far more people in need of help that are a functioning part of society like everyone else. For fuck's sake, you can't build a building anymore without making it handicapped accessible; I don't see why we can't spend some money to fix our mental health system.

As a society, there are things that our tax monies pay for that are for the collective good. Yes, it is good that we have police, fire fighters and teachers. It's also good that we have social workers and the VA. Leaving people who desperately need help (mentally, financially, whatever) on the streets will only serve to increase problems for society as a whole. Where do we get the tax money, you ask? How about we release a bunch of non-violent felons? After talking with Dave, I am amazed at how much money we waste on keeping people like him in prison. What the hell? A guy is convicted of tax fraud and we have to pay for his room and board? Put him under fucking house arrest and let him be a productive member of society. Take that money you'd save and bolster our mental health services.

If 53 people had to die to bring attention to this issue, it is a very small price to pay. Far more men and women have given their lives in protection of our freedoms over the years. Why should the media not use this opportunity to turn senseless killings into something good?

Unfortunately, the only things likely to come of this are bans on certain types of weapons, more discrimination against foreigners/the mentally ill/firearms owners/blacks/etc. and a huge glut of spending on police. Without treating the core of the problems, like a fucked up economy, lack of education, and a deteriorating social help structure, things like these spree killings will continue unabated.

Strange Things and Weirdos X

2009-01-15T01:45:00.000-08:00

After a long hiatus from the Strange Things and Weirdos installments, we are back. This, of course, is precipitated from a trip to Berkeley.

Walking up to campus from where I parked today, I see two guys, both kind of dirty, smelly hippie types, who, if you took a picture of them, appeared to be wrestling. But this was not a picture. This was two guys in dirty flannel in a weird Greco-Roman wrestling pose, complete with wide stance, low center of gravity and arms locked, standing completely motionless. I watched them for a good 45 seconds. No sound, no heavy breathing, no obvious signs of strain, only standing there. Could this be a new type of street art? Were they two homeless bums totally lost in their own drug-induced world? Were they simply two crazies fighting Darth Vader? Or was it perhaps the bizarre experiment of two physics undergrads? We shall never know.

On my way back, I saw some more of this 'street performance art', if you will. Totally deserted, down by the high school, two goths were standing on the sidewalk, facing parallel to the road (like 90° to where they would be if waiting for a bus), cigarette in the right hand, book held open in the left, perfectly still, silent, and weird. Both wore black berets and tan or grey wool trenchcoats. Neither was puffing on the cigarette, nor exhaling smoke. What's weird was that they weren't standing in a particularly well-lit area, so I'm not sure they were reading, and they were not standing at a bus stop. So what were they there for? An homage to the Greco-Roman statues earlier today? Again, sadly, we shall never know.

The last item to add to this list isn't all that strange or weird in Berkeley, but it is in the rest of the country. While down at the local Ben & Jerry's getting ice cream, a homeless man came in with no shoes, khakis, a flannel shirt and bicycle gloves, and asked us for money for an ice cream. He had crushed up crackers in his mouth and only a few teeth. He started bothering everyone, and the clerk asked him to leave. He didn't, and then she told him to leave. Repeatedly. But she got no respect from his old worthless ass. So, because I'm from the midwest, we don't put up with this shit back home, and the poor girl working the Ben & Jerry's looked like she needed some help, I stood up and threw his dumb ass out of the store. Fortunately, I didn't have to actually *touch* him, as I was reluctantly prepared to do, but I did get up in his face and tell him in no uncertain terms to get out. After asking me if I was going to kick his ass, he left. I think I would have kicked the shit out of him had I been in another state, but this fucking state would probably send me in with Dave if I were to even touch his sorry, nasty ass.

Which brings me to my last, and off-topic point: Dave is now in his permament home for the next couple years in Leavenworth Kansas, at a Federal work camp. If you want his address, drop me an e-mail.

A New Joke: California!

2009-01-14T01:27:00.000-08:00

Get it? California! OK, you should be laughing now. You're not? Yeah, me neither. I've now totally had it with this shithole state once and for all. Apparently our wonderful Governator, Arnie, announced to the great state of Kalee forn yuh that we are broke. We will be out of money by February. Fine, we're out of money, it's only some bullshit accounting, right? Nope. If they don't figure out the budget soon, the state will issue IOUs instead of checks for income tax refunds. You heard that right: the sate will give me an IOU.

Now, I've already paid my money. The state actually has MY MONEY. They owe it back to me. And for those of you who say "Oh, well you should have claimed the right withholding," that doesn't work for me. Since the lab switched over to private ownership, we as students were forced to pay our own tuition. They raised our salaries the exact amount that tuition was so that we could pay for it. Sounds good except for one little detail: our tuition has to come from our post-tax pay. So it looks like I'm making about 33-40% more than I actually am, since $10,000 of it a year goes to tuition. Of that $10k, I get about $7k after tax, so I have to front the extra $3k until tax time when I get that money back, since it is a fair deduction/credit for education. Except that this year, I'm not getting my state money back, which is a LOT because it's not only my NORMAL salary tax, but it's part of that $3k in tuition, and it's ALSO the extra tax taken out because that salary boost to cover tuition puts me in a higher tax bracket. Oh yeah, it's a fucking shitstorm of awesome. And, since I can only claim 1 dependent (unless I claim my plants and my cello, none of which I think the IRS would approve), I only get that in withholding due to the way that this shit ass lab system works.

In short, I am fucked. Kalifornia will fuck me in the ass as hard as it can before I leave. And when I leave, I will stop on the Nevada border and piss into Kalifornia to show my disdain of this godforsaken piece of shit.

Why is this state out of money? Lots of reasons, including gross entitlements, illegal immigrants, tax loopholes for the rich, but mostly: we have incompetent legislators. We have retarded amounts of entitlements in this state. Why does the city of Berkeley spend money to provide lockers for the homeless? The illegal immigrants keep our produce prices low, but they're paid in cash, never pay income tax, and they use our tax dollars for heathcare and schools. Then there's the loopholes for the rich, like how if you take your luxury yacht out into international waters to transfer the title, you don't have to pay tax.

But the worst are the legislators that put all this into existence at all. The fools pass TONS of useless legislation that is a waste of money. Why do we have to spend a tremendous amount of money on keeping records of gun owners and every transaction they make? Why do we have to make it illegal for someone to buy a car from out of state, and all the investigation that entails? Where does the money go from our 'California recycle value' deposit we put on our plastic jugs, because if you turn them in at a recycle center, you sure as hell never see the $0.10 per bottle you pay. Why do we have this ridiculous smog system that doesn't keep smog out of our cities? Why do we have the highest gas prices in the nation, yet a coastline full of refineries? This whole place is a big waste of money and time as far as I'm concerned. Come visit, see the cool trees at Sequoia and Muir Woods, then leave.

It'll be nice to get to New Mexico next week and get out of this state, if only for a short while.

AT&T Sucks my Nuts

2008-11-21T19:02:00.000-08:00

AT&T may be going through some restructuring right now. They may be under new management. They may have just laid off a bunch of people due to the economy sucking. But the economy right now doesn't suck as hard as AT&T. Thanks to their unbridled, unstoppable and almost unsurpassed incompetence, I had no internet for 14 days, and the saga may still be continuing as I write.

How could such a massive corporation with many checks and quality controls, whose #1 priority is customer service, screw up so badly? Well, grab a cup of coffee and settle into your chair, because this is going to be a long story which is nearly as boring as reading tax law.

All of this stems from the assholes that broke into my apartment. I swear, if I ever find them, I'm going to give them a slow, painful death for the aggravation they have caused me. You see, I moved apartments during the week leading up to Halloween this year. I stayed in the same apartment complex, as the management here has been spectacular, but moved to a 2nd floor apartment next to the apartment management office, where they can keep an eye on my place during the day. Not to mention that, but my car has a garage. I don't think the old girl quite knows what to do with the garage yet, as she's never had a garage in her lifetime. But I'm getting off on tangents now.

In preparation for this move, I called ahead to AT&T to make sure my order was in on time to get my phone and internet switched over. I called on the 21st of October. The lady I talked to (curse her and 5 generations of her family henceforth) put in a change order to switch my phone service and internet to my new place on the 28th. Except that I have come to find out that she (may she burn in hell) put through a disconnect order on my internet rather than a change. Why the fuck would you put through a change on the phone line and a disconnect on internet service? I mean, that fucking worthless, stupid, vapid, script-reading, desk-jockeying, roller-chair monkey tried to sell me on an upgraded internet service for like 15 minutes, the whole while discussing the move and how the internet service would be turned on when I arrived.

I am letting my anger get the better of me, because, at this point, I was still quite happy, my move not having happened and my internet not being lost. I began my move on the Friday before. I sent out my last e-mails Monday evening, the 27th. Then, I moved on the 28th. I came in, plugged in my phone, and WA-LA! My phone worked. This was a good sign. I then plugged in my filter and my DSL modem, and.... nothing. I then began my two week long saga on the phone with AT&T customer support, which is as incompetent as our current president and just as worthless.

I call. The first think you now hear, besides a question in Spanish, is an ADVERTISEMENT for AT&T, telling you how AT&T is ranked #1 in customer satisfaction by some survey or another. Guess what, ass-fucks? The caller ALREADY HAS YOUR FUCKING SERVICE so there's no need for an advertisement. Even worse, THEY'RE CALLING BECAUSE THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEIR SERVICE, which means that they really don't wan't to hear your company bullshit about how you're #1 in customer satisfaction. It's a fucking lie!

After being forced to listen to their self-aggrandizing verbal masturbation, you get dumped into a phone tree. And it's not even a 'push the button' phone tree; it's one of those voice-recognition pieces of shit. You know, the ones where a voice comes on and says "If you want billing, please say 'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis pneumonia'." It then reads my phone number back to me in a painfully slow manner and asks me if it's correct. I say 'yes', and then have a 30 second wait for the recorder to stop, have it recognize what I said, and it continues to ramble on, having me say if I'm calling about a DSL problem or a phone problem, what kind of operating system my computer is running, and if I would like to use my customer service ID or my social security number for identification. And EVERY time I used this phone tree, despite saying the EXACT same words at each juncture, I got dumped into a DIFFERENT phone tree level each time. What a piece of shit. I'd say "DSL PROBLEM" and I've been dumped into 5 different tree levels. I do know someone who writes these things, though, which explains a lot, because she's an incredibly self-important and stupid bitch. In any case, the phone tree portion takes 11-14 minutes each time, in the case that you're interested.

Finally, I get through to a live person. Not only do they not speak Enlgish, but the phone tree is of absolutely no use, as they have to ask me what my phone number is, if I'm calling from the # with DSL service, what kind of OS my computer is running and if I'd like to use my SSN or customer ID for identification all over again. Fuck. I get someone who doesn't speak English. They tell me to wait until the next day to see if the DSL comes on. I grumble, but agree.

Day 2. October 29th.

I call. I go through the 14 minute phone tree again. I get some Indian guy who tells me that he can't see any order for me at all, just a disconnect order. I wait on hold for 45 minutes with him while he talks to provisioning. He gets back on and tells me that I should be on Oct 30th. OK, cool, one more day. No big deal.

Day 3. October 30th.

No internet. I call. I go through a 11 minute phone tree. I get someone who puts me on hold for 75 minutes, then tells me that they don't know what's going on, but that my last two orders for service were canceled. They don't know when I'm going to be turned on. He tells me that someone will call back. Amazingly, a guy does call back and tells me that I am now scheduled for turn on November 4th, but he's going to try and get me on by Halloween.

Day 4. Halloween.

No internet. Just because I figured something was wrong, I called again. 13 minute phone tree. Got a guy who was nice but incompetent. He keeps putting me on hold, but I can hear him and the call center; he just can't hear me. He keeps saying "Hello?". Anyway, he calls the provisioning. It's a 45 minute wait. He asks them a question, then he has to ask me, and by the time he gets back to them, they've put him on hold again. Another 45 minutes later, he has to reexplain everything. Then, in switching lines, he accidentally hangs up on me. I wait for him to call back, as he's got my call back number, but apparently he's too dumb for that. So, I call back. Go through the 15 minute phone tree. Then I get this asian bitch who doesn't speak English and can't even get my phone # right. I hang up on her in frustration.

Day 5 & 6 - the weekend - of course, no one works in provisioning during the weekend.

Day 7 - November 3rd.

I call again, to make sure we're on. 12 minute phone tree. 45 minute wait for provisioning after customer service says I have 4 canceled tickets. Provisioning says there is no record of a service ticket for Nov 4. I ask them to connect me on November 6th. They say it's not a problem.

Day 8 - November 4th

I didn't call. I was sick of them.

Day 9 - November 5th.

I call again because I KNOW my order is screwed up already. 14 minute phone tree, 35 minute wait for provisioning after the customer service guy has to call me back twice after we get cut off twice. He can't see any tickets AT ALL, like NO ONE HAS EVER PUT IN AN ORDER FOR ME. He gets provisioning, then they put him on hold for 75 minutes. He tells me that we're not going to get turned on before the next week. He then did something that none of the other assholes did: he said HE'D wait on hold and call me when he got through. And he did. That guy, whose name I can't remember, was fucking awesome, and I told him so. Didn't help me get my internet on any faster, but it at least felt good to not have to sit there on hold and wait for my neck to need a chiropractic adjustment.

Day 11 - November 6th.

I call yet again. 12 minute phone tree. For whatever blessed reason, I got someone from St. Louis. Amazing. Someone who speaks English. And this guy actually gave me provisioning's direct number, and connected me (after 20 minutes on hold) to a person who told me that no orders had ever been put on my account in the correct system, and that I'd be back on Tuesday, November 11th. Well, at least I had some satisfaction.

Day 12 - 15 - November 7th-10th.

I went back home. I flew in on Monday the 10th, and arrived back here. I now have a green DSL light. I call AT&T again. I get the 14 minute phone tree. I then proceed to spend 2 hours on the phone with a DSL tech, who, however nice and helpful she was, was also completely ignorant. I managed to dick around with my settings until my DSL worked. And I got internet. Wasn't supposed to have it yet, but I had it, so fuck them, I'm finally back on, right?

Well, the next day I get a letter in the mail: "Welcome to AT&T! We're so glad you've chosen to become a new AT&T customer..." WTF? I've been with AT&T for years. But wait, they had to send me that letter just to get my DSL back on? Fuck. Then the letter explains that they are going to charge me $79.99 for the setup package and a new modem. Fuuuuuck. I haven't seen that bill yet, but I'm betting it's going to be a clusterfuck of charges, which I will then have to call back about, get through the phone tree again and waste time talking to someone else about.

The NEXT day, I get my bill. Continuous, no outage at all. They have charged me for all of it. Fucktards. I had to call back and get them to cut out 14 days of service, because I'm sure as hell not paying for shit that I didn't get.

As a public service, if you ever have trouble with AT&T not turning you on, don't waste your time with tech support. Provisioning's direct number is 1-866-274-4357, and then the phone tree options are 1-1-1-2-1. Then you get to speak to a live person. Yeah.

So, looking back... AT&T wasted 732 minutes of my time. My phone keeps track of call length. Yes, 732 minutes, or 12.2 hours. And all they did was not charge me $11 for the 14 days of internet I missed. At my nominal pay rate at the lab, that's about $250. How about they fucking pay me that? Of course they won't. Cocksuckers.

Reach out and touch someone? Fuck that. I want to reach out and strangle someone.

Suicide Prevention on the Golden Gate

2008-10-11T18:29:00.001-07:00

They're going to put a net on the Golden Gate Bridge to prevent people from jumping.

First, let me say I am all for suicide hotlines, prevention, etc. However, I am completely opposed to the net. It's going to make the bridge ugly, be expensive to put up and it's not going to prevent anyone from killing themselves. They have suicide hotlines on the bridge already, but if you have already come to the point of offing yourself, a net there is only going to make you go somewhere else, or get really creative (like jumping from higher up to avoid the net or jumping with a pair of wire cutters). It reminds me of blaming suicides on guns. Guess what? People will find another way to kill themselves if they don't have access to a gun, a bridge, pills, razors, whatever. The real prevention is in fighting depression and hopelessness which is too expensive or long-reaching of a goal for our government/society to care about and try to tackle. Let's not forget, too, that the net will probably entice a number of half-drunken high schoolers to jump into the net on a dare, knowing they won't die from the fall.

Far as I'm concerned, they need to put a diving board on the bridge and put a giant concrete block just below the water's surface painted with a big red "X" so people have something to aim for.

Emo Update? Nope. Prisons and Police States

2008-09-26T00:38:00.000-07:00

Most of you haven't heard from me in quite some time. Partly this is due to the fact that I still have not installed messenger since my computer was stolen back in May. Not out of not wanting to, but more because I've been busy. Yeah, I'm always busy, but I'm kind of overworked right now. My research is sucking balls. Nothing is working. At all. I am now at the point where I am giving up on my target molecule and doing tangential work that has a better chance of working and thus giving me publishable results. It is a terrible disappointment to have to do this. Most of the rest of my life (softball, cello, etc.) is taking up my time, which in one sense is good, because I feel that I'm actually accomplishing something, but at the same time, it sucks because I only have so much energy to do things in the lab.

I would say that I've turned into a faggy emo blogger who just gives updates about my life, as the last few posts have been pretty lame. But bad news gets me pissed off. And getting me pissed off turns me back into the asshole who writes with such venom.

The worst news for those that haven't heard is that Dave is in prison. He was charged with some conspiracy to manufacture drugs bullshit, and a cop (from north county, surprise surprise) perjured himself on the stand saying that he confessed to growing pot or something. Two other cops perjured themselves to a lesser degree. Nevermind that there is no physical evidence (I've read the transcripts, etc.). Apparently federal prosecutors do not use any discretion and simply try every case that comes across their desk, no matter how flimsy. That and something like 75% of federal cases come back with a guilty verdict, no matter what. I have certainly learned a lot about the federal prosecution system. No character witnesses are allowed. This particular police unit is known for being dirty and using illegal techniques. The prosecution has the last word, not the defense. And the rules of evidence are retarded. The prosecution claimed Dave made over $75k in 6 months selling drugs, yet, they would not let him enter his tax returns, canceled checks, bank account statements or the 10 year loan on his $5,000 car as evidence to prove that he didn't have anywhere near that kind of cash. Nope, that was inadmissible. This whole system is fucked and we are turning into a police state.

Yeah, that's right, we're fucked. We knew that our society was headed toward a police state, that our freedoms were being taken away, but they're headed down the drain even faster now. The Patriot Act has become permanent. The FBI has been given more leeway and less oversight to operate within our borders. The Army has assigned a brigade to operate within our borders. The economy is tanking.

There are very few things standing between us and prison, torture or death, depending on how far the government wants to take things. The biggest thing standing between us and these horrible things is the common decency and honesty of our fellow human beings, particularly those that we trusted with the power to protect us. And they have failed. Not all of them. Not even most of them. But enough of them to make one wonder what is really going on. Are those who take the oath of a police officer, FBI agent or other law enforcement official really interested in protecting the public, or are they out to grab some power for themselves? Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and the more power we give to law enforcement, the more we're going to corrupt them. We need to have a reasonable law enforcement agency whose hands are tied by the civil liberties of those they protect. Only those who are truly interested in protecting the freedoms and civil liberties of our nation would be law enforcement. Law enforcement has entirely too much power in our nation at the moment. Our nation is losing its freedoms. We will soon be like most of Europe: a police state masquerading as some civil rights lovefest. Fuck that.

And where's Dave? Caught in the middle of this shitstorm. This can happen to any of us. Don't talk to the police if they don't have a warrant. Tape every conversation you have with law enforcement. Because even if you don't say anything, a cop on the stand saying that you did is more important to the jury.

When the survivalist whackos start looking sane, you know we're in trouble. And, ladies and gentlemen, we're not in trouble. We're positively fucked. Time to buy gold, stockpile the water and canned food, and get your hands on as much ammo as you can. The storm's a comin'.

And for those of you who knew Dave, there is the opportunity to write a letter to the judge on his behalf asking for leniency in his sentencing. E-mail me for more details.

Theft of Peace of Mind

2008-08-03T04:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's that time again. We're back to blogging and not sleeping. Stress has led me to this horrible place once again. So, it's 4am and I'm here writing instead of sleeping.

What kind of stress might you ask? Well, my reactions aren't working. Mostly because I can't get some material purified. Our God-like Chinese worker has a procedure for cleaning this stuff up, but it's like trying to follow the directions of an Olympic sprinter: "Just run fast." Right. I've learned that when he says "This reaction not so difficult," that I need to be worried. And when he says "Ah, this reaction somewhat difficult," that really means that you have to give up a winning lottery ticket after sacrificing a goat on the zenith of Mars coinciding with a full moon on an odd-dated Thursday to make it work. Needless to say, work is going slowly, which is stressful because I want to get the fuck out of here.

The other stressor is the break-in. While I have to live like a prisoner and keep everything I value at the lab, it is a headache to keep everything locked up all the time. And, the little fuckers have been back. Twice. First, they came to steal my propane tank off my gas grill. What the fuck are they going to do with that? Have a cookout? They didn't steal the grill. Then, sadly, I found out that they stole a package off my porch that my mom had sent me. It had clothes, books, and a fake book with a hollowed out inside to store stuff. Both of these happened during broad daylight in the afternoon. It means that the crooks are brazen enough to jump my porch wall during the day, and it also means that if they come back, the book safe they stole may give them the idea to start tearing books off my shelves. That would have been bad, as I had some IDs stuck in there. No more. All my IDs are now at the lab. And just for insurance purposes, I have also taken all my chemistry/pyro/explosives books there as well. I figure that these idiots probably won't steal books, but if it's a bunch of kids, they may see the titles and think they're cool. So there is the stress of the assholes stealing shit off my porch.

I despise this state. It truly is the land of criminal empowerment. It is illegal here to booby-trap your house. If it were not, the floors in front of all my windows would have plywood boards with screws driven through them waiting for someone who came through. The porch railing would have razor wire. And I would have fitted my propane tank with an RP-1 detonator and a trip wire. And, just for fun, the porch would have bear traps covered in straw.

Now I do hope that someone breaks in while I'm here. I will kill them, no matter what kind of consequences that entails. I'm ready to split a head open with my hand axe. Fuck shooting them. That's too quick. I want to get my aggression out with my bare hands. Let them feel the wrath of 5 years of graduate school. Let there be no question whether or not I was within the legal 21' for self-defense required by state law. Yeah, I may take a bullet or a knife wound, but that's not even going to slow me down. Criminals take note: come in here at expense of your life. I've got plenty of kitchen knives I don't need to put in your hand to explain my 45-odd 'self-defense' hatchet wounds to your head, and I have lots of bleach to clean your blood out of my carpet. Hell, it'd probably make the place smell a little better.

Man, I need to get the hell out of here.

Scott McClellan: American Coward

2008-06-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Scott McClellan recently published a book wherein he described some of the lies and shenanigans of the Bush administration. Some people are celebrating him as a hero. I've got news for them: he's a fucking coward.

No, I'm not saying that because I think it's cowardly that someone would become a traitor to the Bush administration. Far from it. But I do think that he went along with the charade for far too long to try and blow the whistle now. Hey Scott, did you know that blowing the whistle after the game is over does nothing? Where the fuck were you in 2003 when you describe the illegal coverup of the outing of Valerie Plame? Or the overselling of the Iraq war?

Fact is, McClellan is jumping on the 'beat on Bush' bandwagon now that it has become popular. Were Bush still popular as a president, you can bet that this book would not have been written. Not that Bush doesn't deserve it, as he most certainly does, but I consider McClellan a coward for jumping on this bandwagon now that it has become popular, cashing in on the deal. A brave man would have take shit from the administration for maybe a year, and then quit, outing their illegal dealings at the same time. To stand up for your country and what you know is right, against a corrupt administration, that takes balls. Old Scottie M. has none. He could have been a patriot and called out the administration while they were in the midst of their lies, but he didn't. And even worse, he was their mouthpiece! He could have simply resigned and forced them to find someone else, but no, he spouted their lies for them. That makes him doubly complicit: not only did he know for 5 years that the administration was lying, but he told their lies for them.

By the fact that he is running snivelling to the more popular side of Bush-bashing now, he is providing further evidence of his cowardice. This cowardice, coupled with his greed in wanting to cash in on this new popular movement actually places him as a perfect fit for the administration: look out for #1, fuck everyone else, don't do anything less your ass is covered, and kiss ass.

Do everyone a favor: don't buy McClellan's book. If you must read it, download an illegal copy from the 'net.

Indiana Jones 4 (no spoilers)

2008-05-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

I was excited when I first heard that there would be another installment in the Indiana Jones series. I saw it tonight on the big screen, and it was OK. I think that because it's been so long since the last one, people are willing to endure anything in order to see Harrison Ford dress up as Indy one more time. If this had come out after Temple of Doom, it wouldn't have been received as warmly, and wouldn't have been considered as good as The Last Crusade. If I were to rank the movies, I would say:

The Last Crusade >= Raiders > Crystal Skull >> Temple of Doom

The latest installment is definitely a cut above Temple of Doom (which I consider to be only slightly better than the Alan Quartermain movies), but it is definitely behind Raiders. I consider Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade to be on par with one another.

What wasn't so hot?

Pretty much everything about Cate Blanchette's character sucked. Her makeup, her fake wig, her accent, her acting, and her script. You never really feel her character is evil, just kind of bland. She's never cruel or mean, just there. BORING.
Shia LeBoeuf. He was OK in parts, but there was some definite over-acting, especially at the beginning, which was dumb. Harrison Ford is there, acting like he's a real person, and Shia is there acting like he's in a high school musical. Terrible.
The CGI. It's Indiana Jones, not Star Wars. A couple of the CGI scenes are just stupid. CGI looks fake at a certain level, and until the technology improves, it always will look fake.
The main plot device. I can't say anything more about it without giving away some of the plot, but I will say that the 'artifact' that Indy is after is too Sci-Fi and leaves you wondering if you just left a Kubrick film. The sad truth is that you aren't really sure why they're after what they're after in the end. At the end of Raiders, they found the Ark. At the end of the Last Crusade, they find the Holy Grail. Even in Temple of Doom, they're after some sacred stones. But this? Well, it's a little strange and you're never really sure what the purpose of the film is.
Marion. She's back, but turns out to be a shallow, fat, giggly girl. How fucking boring.
The fucking gophers. They were given only seconds of screen time, but the instant I saw them, I was thinking "Oh shit, it's another Jar-Jar." Fortunately, this didn't pan out.

What's great?

Harrison Ford. He really carries this film. He can act, and he's perfect in the Indy role, even at 65.
The action scenes. For the most part, they are well done. Unfortunately, action scenes don't make a movie.
The way the action scenes glue the movie together. The first three string action scenes together to move the movie along, but they are held together by an underlying plot. This movie has less of a plot, but the fact that it moves from one action scene to another keeps the movie rolling along, quite surprisingly. It's rare to see this happen in a movie without it turning into a turd.
The Russians. There are some Russians in uniform, and they did them right. They hired real Russians so the accents would be authentic. I saw this movie tonight with a Russian, and even he was impressed. Too bad they couldn't say the same for Cate Blanchette.
Family history. You get to see a little family history of Indy, and some of the story of Indy's life unfolds.
Nostalgia. There are numerous homages to previous films, and previous characters that we have all fallen in love with.

Apparently there were supposed to be 5 Indiana Jones films originally. It'll be interesting to see if Harrison Ford makes another one. Perhaps it'll be Indiana Jones and the Bottle of Blue Pills. I'm guessing it will come out right after Sean Connery makes his last Bond film, Octagenerian Pussy.

Burglary

2008-05-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

For those of you who haven't heard, I apologize for not contacting you, but it is because I no longer have your e-mail address. You see, last Tuesday some cocksucker broke into my apartment and stole my computer, along with various other things. I did not lose my cello, which I was very much relieved about. My dad was good enough to come into town, which I needed more than I thought, and my folks bought me a new computer. So now I've got a little macbook and it goes everywhere with me, including to work. Let the bastards try and steal it there.

While in the apartment, the thieves did open my cello case and look at it, which was unnerving. Because I can't afford to lose the cello (even though it is insured), I sent it home with my dad. I went out today and bought a really cheap $400 POS Chinese-made nitrocellulose-lacquered box. It's OK, as I've only got a year left out here anyway, and now I've got an instrument that I can play at outdoor weddings and in the theater pit. The sad thing is that my good cello is not going to be played but for a few times a year until I return home.

Things could have been a lot worse. First, I could have lost the cello. Secondly, I could have had a lot of non-backed up data on my computer. Fortunately, all my research data was backed up, as was some personal data. Unfortunately, I did lose all my e-mail, so I need anyone reading this to e-mail me so I have your e-mail address again. At first, I wished that I was in the house when these thieves (or thief) broke in. However, in retrospect, it's probably a good thing I wasn't here, because they'd be dead and I'd be in jail, which would suck. I'd lose my clearance, at least temporarily, lose pay, and lose a shitload of money paying a blood-sucking lawyer to defend my ass against the oppressive murder charges I'd inevitably face out here in this land of criminal empowerment.

I owe a huge thank you to Fox, who allowed me to ask him questions a few years ago when his home was burglarized. Since moving to Kalifornia, I have expected a break-in. I asked Fox where the burglars did and did not search, and prepared my Kalifornia apartment accordingly. They didn't search his pantry, his trash or his bookshelf. And they didn't search mine, either, which is where all my personal information was (passport, IDs, etc.). They went right to my bedroom and went through all my drawers and all the stuff in my closets, and in and under my bed. They did a few things that I didn't think they'd bother with, such as dumping my dirty laundry basket over searching for stuff, and stealing my large backpacking backpack to take all my stuff in. They went out on my porch and rifled through all my plants, probably looking for weed, and went through my small laundry area to see if there was anything worth having there. Unfortunately, since I moved out of Berkeley, I was a little more lax on some stuff than I should have been (camera, etc.), so they did make off with a few things.

So, what are the plans for the future? Well, I've already removed anything valuable from my apartment, aside from my printer (which is too big to move), my bike (which is locked), and now my new cello (which isn't all that expensive and wouldn't fetch much money from their meth/crack dealer). It has given me an impetus to get done and get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. I thought that after leaving Berkeley, I would have put these kinds of criminal action behind me, but in reality, I only put the strong possibility of getting killed or mugged behind me, not the chances of petty theft.

Since this criminal, or these criminals, saw everything in my apartment and didn't steal some things, like my bike, I am inclined to think that they may return. They did see and open my small warming tray of lignum vitae. They were seeds, and in rockwool cubes. Probably thought they were weed. Thinking this, perhaps they will return in a month or two, in time for 'harvest'. If they come back, they're going to have a surprise waiting for them. Because I found a place that sells seeds. And not seeds of any normal plant, no. These are seeds of urtica dioica, or stinging nettle. Thats right, I'm going to grow stinging nettle. A lot of it. And I'm going to intersperse it between all my plants on my patio, and put in front of my windows and other entry points to the apartment. And when I go on vacation, I'm going to take some and put it in front of the closet. And on the kitchen counter. And pretty much anywhere that some jerkoff is going to have to move it to get at something good. I'd love to see them grab a big handful of it to get it out of the way or perhaps steal it, thinking that it was some sort of drug. Hope they're allergic and die of shock.

Ready for the Retards?

2008-04-16T02:24:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's right, it's about that time of year for the short bus to stop again and drop off the latest batch of neglected, chemically-imbalanced, douche-bag, ball-washing, shit-headed, dick-licking assholes more commonly referred to as school shooters. Why? It's close to 4/20. Those dickweeds seem to love 4/20 for whatever reason. Never mind that most people who are high on pot are unlikely to do anything, much less shoot anyone. This is a copy-cat world, though, and since those asshat jerkoffs from Littleton shot up their school on 4/20, it's been the copycat idea to do something similar ever since. Black trench coats, hate for the world, leaving suicide notes, Nazi paraphernalia, whatever.

There are no excuses for shooting, stabbing, blowing up or killing innocent children, or people in general (though one may be able to make a case for lawyers...). I don't give a damn if you were just coming off your anti-depressants, or if you were skull-fucked by a mexican chihuahua when you were three. No excuses. If you go destroying the lives of innocent people, especially children in a public setting, you should be rotting in a nameless grave and not showered with media attention. The problem is that our media hypes these people up with all sorts of attention, publishes their idiotic manifestos and generally makes celebrities out of them. I completely disagree with this. Since we can't take back the publicity, I say we change it to be completely negative. I don't give a shit if it's libelous or not, let's give these kids negative publicity so that when they are researching their 'idols' on the internet, they'll come across stories of how he fucked a goat, not how he shot up his school.

And, without further ado, my tribute to those asshole school murderers, names excluded because they are too worthless for even a mention.

"I likes me the cock!"

"The smartest thing I've ever done was to staple my tiny testicles to my desk so that I couldn't ever reproduce."

"I am trying to hide my shame of my inability to add small numbers, like my dick."

"Here's me trying to be scary. Unfortunately, I come off as being severely constipated, which is erroneous, since my asshole is incredibly loose from frequent sex with my Barbies."

"I either have three lips or don't brush my teeth. Either way, I still look like God's gift to Lassie." (My apologies to Lassie)

"Since I am the only one of these fucktards still alive and in jail, I shall truthfully tell you that I am very excited to be Bubba's bitch down here in this nice, sweltering Mississippi jail."

"I was actually released after my slayings, then got arrested again, TWICE! I could use a good killing, but only after I make change for this kid here. What did you say? You wanted two tens for a five? OK, here you go."

Jesus. This doesn't even need a slanderous comment.

How I Spent my Christmas Vacation: Terrorizing Squirrels

2008-01-20T17:13:00.000-08:00

They're delicious and nutritious, and now they're trying to take over our birdfeeder at home. Since my mom was injured over the holidays and I had to cancel most of my plans to stay at home and take care of her, I had to figure out ways to entertain myself while homebound.

We've always had the occasional squirrel problem around our house; they'll get on the birdfeeder and scare off the birds. My dad used to occasionally shoot at them with the BB gun, which I assume is a standard practice, but after a while, they'd hear the door open, then run just far enough away to be out of range or line of sight for the BB gun. Then they'd run back out and you'd have to stand there opening the door every 5 minutes to keep the squirrels away. And the birds would not come back. If we wanted squirrels, we'd have put up a squirrel feeder. We want birds. They're much more interesting.

Well, this Christmas, I was filling up the birdfeeder and noticing the squirrels were more of a problem this year than in years past, likely for two reasons:
1. We moved the birdfeeder and it's now closer to the woods.
2. My dad has been busy at work and unable to shoot the bastards on a semi-regular basis.
I tried shooting at them with the BB gun, but wound up with the same problem: as soon as they hear the window open, they run off just far enough to get out of range, then come back. While an occasional shot would still help, it was a far cry from being a solution.

With nothing but time on my hands, I began devising a method of squirrel removal. I thought that firecrackers would be great, but the problem is that you've got to open the window, light a fuse, throw the cracker, and then hope it's in the vicinity of the squirrel. Of course, that can be remedied by having the firecracker taped to the tree, but then you have to be standing out there to light it. Can't do that, or no animals will get close to the feeder, so you've got to modify the firecracker so that you can ignite it with electric match remotely from the comfort of your house. To that end, I bought a model rocket engine launch kit and some e-match. The launch controller has a button you press to resistively heat an element coated in black powder (the e-match). This ignites the now greatly shortened fuse to the firecracker.

First test: success. The squirrel rocketed to the woods and not a single one came back for 3 days. The second test was just as successful, but we got more fancy and did a double shot: two black cats. Two squirrels were scared shitless. And even better, we caught it on video. The fuses lit, and the squirrels started to move away from the feeder, but then they explode into full flight when the crackers go off.

We have very little squirrel activity on our feeder now.

M82A1

2008-01-20T17:07:00.000-08:00

So... you're all waiting for pictures. There's only one problem. No, it's not that I don't have it... it's more that it doesn't fit into one picture. Or two. It actually takes THREE pictures to get the whole thing in, when it's broken down. Couple that with the fact that this stupid blog is about half as wide as it needs to be to even begin to display a picture like that, and, well, you get the idea. The good news is it looks pretty much like the picture posted on the first one of these entries. I managed to get a slightly older version of the same thing, but it came with a 16x scope, which was nice. I'm waiting until after I graduate to fire it, so I'll be taking suggestions as to what to shoot first. I'm thinking some old TVs, a washing machine, talc powder, water jugs, and, of course, a W bobblehead. So comment me your suggestions, and I'll add them to the list.

This makes my day

2007-12-25T23:35:00.000-08:00

Check this out. Not only are the zookeepers incompetent at keeping their animals inside, but the tiger killed one person and injured several more. The tiger was eating Californians and instead of giving it a medal like it deserved, they give it a bullet. Far as I'm concerned, they should have locked the zoo and let the tiger feast on all the assholes inside it. Or why bother? Just leave the gates unlocked and let the tiger wander about freely on the streets of San Francisco. After eating one or two people, it'd be so high from the ingested THC that it'd be quite lazy. Either that or it'd get the munchies. I guess it's a win-win situation.

I don't understand why the people think that it's so horrible that a tiger we are keeping in captivity escaped and mauled some people. No shit, that's what tigers do. They should have hit it with a stun gun and put it back in the cage. Oh yeah, some dude was getting mauled. Guess what? Human life isn't that precious. There's tons of us, but the Siberian Tiger faces extinction. They just significantly decreased the tiger gene pool while extending the idiocy of the human one.

I think we should build a monument to the tiger for being a servant of humanity.

I Am Will Smith

2007-12-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

I read several reviews on I Am Legend, and they all said the same thing: the first half of the movie was good and the second half of the movie was bad. Well, let me tell you: that's bullshit. The movie overall was pretty good. That's it.

The scenes of post-apocalyptic New York: A. Not the A+++++++ people are giving it.

The plot: A-. Makes you think, and moves the story along well. The good part is it doesn't try to explain things too much. The only downside is that you might be left with a couple of questions.

The CGI: C+. The CGI isn't great, especially on the monsters. But so what? When did CGI make a movie? Star Wars Episode II? I think not. Though the CGI was spectacular, it didn't save that movie from being a giant steaming pile of shit.

The acting: B+. For the most part, the movie was well acted. Part of it was just Will Smith doing what he does best, being Will Smith. That being said, there are very few other actors who could have pulled off that role; they would have either made it campy or been too serious for the part and the rest of the movie would have seemed hoakey compared to their acting.

Overall: A-. 3.5/4 stars, or 7/10.

M82A1 (100%)

2007-12-20T02:38:00.000-08:00

Due to my extreme frugality (Read: I am a cheap-ass bastard who doesn't eat much), I am at 100% on the monster. Pictures to follow upon receipt.

Socks

2007-11-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

I was sorting my laundry tonight and looking at my socks. I've got several different kinds, some from accidentally buying the wrong thing, some from when WalMart was out of whatever I regularly bought, some were black for concerts. It occurred to me that when you reach the point in your life where all your socks are the same kind, it's time to die. You're just too damn boring.

I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but at least I've got several kinds of socks.

The Carcinogenic Lightsaber

2007-11-09T06:43:00.001-08:00

The other day I was watching some Star Wars video on YouTube, and it occurred to me that there are some physics problems with the lightsaber. Of course, there is a large amount of pseudo-science surrounding physics, construction and use of the lightsaber. The lightsaber is purported to generate an 'arc wave energy field' and has an infinite cutting edge.

Apparently, "Other than emitting a colored light, a lightsaber blade was a massless form that neither radiated heat nor expended energy until it came into contact with something"^[Ref], which stinks of bullshit. If it is emitting light, it is, by definition, expending energy. It is emitting light energy. The 'arc wave energy field' apparently emits that buzzing sound you hear in the movies. Isn't that sound energy? Wait. I think I have more plausible explanations for all of this.

First, the lightsaber is purported to have an infinite cutting edge. We can deduce that it is no smaller than the atomic level, as a swipe of a lightsaber doesn't incite nuclear reactions/explosions by splitting the nucleus of an atom. Since the lightsaber doesn't expend energy unless it comes int contact with something, it is reasonable to assume that the energy being emitted, such as the light energy, and the crackling sound energy comes from the 'arc wave energy field' coming into contact with molecules of air (nitrogen, CO₂, oxygen, etc.). The crackling noise is probably due to molecules of air being ionized by the lightsaber beam, just like high voltage power lines crackle when molecules of air come in contact with them and become ionized.

This brings me to my next point: if the lightsaber is ionizing air, then it is necessarily a source of environmental pollutants and health hazards. Think about it. High voltage power lines produce ozone. Ozone is a major lung hazard, decreasing lung capacity, causing emphysema, and other problems. Ozone in the environment causes decreased metabolism and reproduction in plants, which will effect crop harvests and kill vegetation. Those farmers near a Jedi training ground should beware.

Of course, high-voltage power lines contain much less energy than a lightsaber (just ask any Star Wars fan). Perhaps rather than simple ionization of oxygen, there is enough energy to ionize the nitrogen in the atmosphere as well. Most of the atmosphere is nitrogen, so many more molecules of nitrogen get hit with one swing of the old lightsaber. Ionization of the nitrogen will produce nitric oxides like those found in car exhaust (NO_x gasses, like NO, NO₂ and N₂O₄). These are much more acute toxins and many times more damaging to the lungs. These are the brown gasses that give smog its color.

So what does this mean? Well, you'll be able to smell when a Jedi was around. The whole place will probably smell like Los Angeles on a good day, or perhaps a room with one of those ozone generators sold by Sharper Image (also known as the Ionic Breeze). It also means old Luke probably has emphysema and perhaps a bit of lung cancer.

Where's the evidence for this you ask? Take a look at Yoda. There's a reason Yoda moved into the woods: he needed more oxygen and his emphysema was too bad to continue screwing around with that lightsaber. Then Luke comes along, he turns on the lightsaber to train him, worsening his lung problems by more exposure to lethal gasses, and then he expires a short time later.

And what about Darth Vader? Some of his breathing difficulties are probably due to breathing in so many pollutants over the years, in addition to that nasty wound on that volcanic planet. And I'd bet a dime to a dollar that his breathing device has an ozone filter on it.

Perhaps new lightsabers need to come with a label: "This device is known to produce chemicals known to the state of Kalifornia to cause cancer."

Shake, Rattle and Roll

2007-10-31T19:42:00.000-07:00

Last night we had an earthquake. A 5.6 on the Richter, and it was one of 2 earthquakes I have felt here. I was in orchestra at the time, and it felt like someone behind me was rocking my chair very slightly with their foot. It lasted maybe 5 seconds, probably less. I had no idea what had just happened until someone said something. Everyone was freaking out, a few people ran to the door. Let me tell you what I thought about it:

Nothing. That's right, it was nothing. Big deal, the floor very slightly moved for a few seconds. I had heard all these little things about how scary earthquakes are and how dangerous they are and I approached the whole earthquake thing in California with a little trepidation. After not feeling like 5 earthquakes, I finally felt my first one my first year here. There was one shake, from a magnitude 4. I thought someone had dropped a large beam next door in the construction area. Completely lame. Now that I've survived and not noticed many further earthquakes, I have recently experienced a 5.6, by far the largest earthquake I have ever felt, and by most accounts, a pretty big earthquake.

The power didn't go out, didn't even dip. Nothing caught on fire. Nothing fell down. No really cool geysers of lava opened up and rained fire upon us. As a matter of fact, it sucked. I am now thoroughly convinced that Californians in general are pussies (apologies to Jim Dandy, I know that he is native to this land). But seriously: you want excitement? Go live in Florida where hurricanes rip through the area all the time. Go live in Kansas where hundreds of tornadoes flatten entire towns. You know some shit is going to go down when a twister comes through: the sound of the approaching freight train, the sky going green, hail falling in 90 degree weather and some seriously bitchin' wind. I have been in the basement on multiple occasions for tornadoes, seen a funnel cloud touch down in Illinois, and watched a massive black twister rip across farm fields from the interstate. In all, I have been through around 10 tornadoes, three of them close enough to have seen them or heard the freight train sound. They seriously damaged property, sometimes destroyed an entire town.

Earthquakes? Get real. A destructive earthquake is rare at best, there having been only a few in the last century that have really been incredibly destructive. The USGS lists this:

Santa Cruz Mountains (Loma Prieta), California
1989 10 18 00:04:15 UTC (Local 1989 10 17 05:04:15 p.m. PDT)
Magnitude 6.9

for the Loma Prieta quake so famous in 1989. It also has this to say:

"It was the largest earthquake to occur on the San Andreas fault since the great San Francisco earthquake in April 1906."

Hmm. One bad one in 83 years. Two in 88 if you feel like adding in the Northridge CA quake a few years later in 1994. On average, Kansas alone averages 55 tornadoes a year, so that's about 4840 tornadoes in 88 years. Although only 2% of tornadoes are 'highly destructive' (F3 or higher), that's still 194 tornadoes in the same amount of time as two bad earthquakes.

At the same time, you have to give some credit to the good old midwest. The New Madrid earthquakes were serious, even more so than the 1906 San Fran earthquake, and we've got a 90% chance at having some serious shit go down by 2040. But I'm still more scared of tornadoes.

Yeah, you can't see an earthquake coming like a tornado, and perhaps to some people that's more scary. But what the hell does it do when it hits? If you were in the middle of a field, you'd be perfectly fine. No buildings to fall on you, no fires from gas lines, and most importantly: no stupid people to loot and riot.

Let's face it: the most scary part of earthquakes in California is the fact that once some imaginary threshold has been crossed, people seem to take that as an excuse to loot and riot. Fuck that. I keep at least a half a tank of gas in my car at all times, some iodine for water, and 2000 rounds for various firearms ready to go at a moment's notice. If people want to loot and riot, fine, but they'd better be prepared for me to shoot my way the hell out of here.

So, let's hear it for earthquakes!

Student Quotes

2007-10-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

One of my friends is a high school English teacher, and assigned a paper on the accuracy of web-based sources. Here's a couple of good quotes:

• "The source looked reliable because the person used big words."

• In reference to a web site: "I think it has good info but the web site seems a little unreliable but I would still use it."

You know why it's not a good idea to cite sources from the web? Because of things like this.

Then, a few more quotes from her freshmen, based on different papers on Shakespeare, etc.

• "Puck was being a goodie tissues."

• "You shouldn't take things for granite."

• "He felt bad about himself because he didn't have a good self of steam."

Ah, thee youth of America; still loosing there chances too have a good self of steam. :)

The Brave One

2007-09-19T01:37:00.000-07:00

[No spoilers]

I saw the trailers for this movie online and thought it looked interesting. I was curious to see the movie, for it promised a bit of revenge, good acting, action, and some introspection on the consequences of being a vigilante. I was a little worried that all the action and revenge were contained in the trailer and that I might be going to watch some sappy, teary-eyed drama that whined about the personality failings and told some sob-story about Jodie Foster's character. I was also a bit worried that it might be some vehicle for anti-gunners out there or some other idiotic political action group.

Let me tell you: my worries were never more unfounded. This movie was revenge, action and good acting from beginning to end. It was Death Wish but with Jodie Foster instead of Charles Bronson. Fucking awesome. It was a terrific role for Jodie Foster, as her character was not a weak-willed victim, but a hard, vengeful killer. You'll delight as she blows away the bad guys. Even better, it was actually pro-gun, if you can believe that. Not overtly so, which would have pissed me off as a vehicle for the NRA, but only so because it is very true-to-life.

Despite all the action, the movie isn't mindless. I found the main character's development to be fascinating. The movie does a good job in showing the radical change in her mentality and does a good job in making you think about her position and wonder what's going through her head. I like the fact that it doesn't draw conclusions for you or try to railroad your thought process through some 'message' that the producers want to get across. In a lot of ways, it's actually a feel-good movie about revenge.

Unfortunately, the movie stops short of an action masterpiece, such as Man on Fire or Ronin. Sadly, it had the potential to be excellent, as the cast was up for the job, but the script was lacking a bit. There were a couple of corny lines in the movie which made you shake your head. There were two or three that stick out in my mind, and, while not nearly as corny as those horrible lines from Schwarzenegger in his bad action movies ("Stick around!" as he nails a guy to the wall), they are a little too much to be saying as an exclamation (as they are in the movie). The plot fell down a bit near the end, where I think Hollywood producers took control of the script for about 45 seconds, but their control is fortunately wrested away and the movie comes to a better conclusion a few minutes later. The only other somewhat weak part of the movie is at the very end, when Jodie Foster narrates a bit. She talks about her feelings and how she changed from suffering the attack; while it attempts to reflect on things, it ends up bringing more of a 'no duh' reaction from the audience.

Interestingly, there were parts of the movie that were laugh-out-loud funny. The audience cracked up 3 or 4 times in the theater, and it wasn't at the crappy one-line exclamations. While some people might say that humor this brazen doesn't have its place in a serious movie, I would disagree in this case. While I agree that it has to be handled delicately, I think that this movie used humor appropriately. The humor was usually dry, and wasn't from an overt joke; usually the audience was laughing at the nonchalance with which the seasoned New York detectives met a gruesome scene, or the attitudes of the general public toward a vigilante. The movie made you ride an emotional roller coaster, from fear and revulsion at the initial attacks to sadness at the results of the attack, and then to suspense and excitement at the victim revenging herself. In there, you occasionally laugh, too. It's as if you're experiencing the emotions of the main character all in the span of two hours. Unlike some movies where the entire point was to leave you feeling one way or another, and the plot is irrelevant compared to the way the filmmaker wanted you to feel, The Brave One hits some of these emotions to better connect you with the main character, ultimately adding a little extra dimension to the movie.

Overall, this movie is highly entertaining, and I want to see it again to see what else I pick up the second time through. Definitely worth seeing in the theater, even here in the People's Kommunist Republik of Kalifornia for $9.50.

Overall, 3.5 out of 4.

M82A1 (92.5%)

2007-08-31T23:32:00.000-07:00

Still at the same level, despite earlier worries over losing money for the fireworks fund. I've managed to save a bit, and also found a place with a lower price, so despite the price hit, we're still at the same level.

And you didn't think I'd post in August. :)

Berkeley Blows

2007-06-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

Finally got the pictures working. So, now there's a big helping of shit from one of the worst towns on the earth: Berkeley, Kalifornia.

First up, the quality of repair on the benches at the bus stops. I must say, at least they left a bench there. Most of them have been taken out.

Second, we have gas prices in Berkeley. Despite the poor image quality because it was taken at night, check out the $3.84/gallon for 85 octane. Yup, it's 85, 87, and 89 here, not 87, 89 and 91. So, really, compared to the rest of reality, the cheap stuff here is $3.94/gal.

Next up we have the retarded sign outside of Evans Hall (where the UNABomber used to teach). It is a sign aimed for cars, as it's way too high for pedestrians. It admonishes them to stay on the sidewalk. Good going.

Then we have the reverse of that sign, the one that asks the slow traffic to watch for pedestrians. Obviously, the fast traffic is too absorbed to look out for them, so they should just run them over.

Finally, we have the retardness of Kalifornia out in the open. Look closely. Read the signs. I'll leave this one up to you to find, but I'll give you the hint: "She's gone from Suck to Blow!"

Fucked

2007-05-07T01:45:00.000-07:00

The M82A1 fund is going to take a big hit tomorrow when I place my order (and unfortunately perhaps one of my last) of fireworks chemicals. The CPSC (Consumer Product Safety Comission) has overstepped its legal authority, being helped along by the DOJ, and they are regulating raw chemicals. The bullshit government rhetoric is here:

http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml07/07181.html

They regulate finished products. What grounds could you possibly give for regulating raw materials? It's like the ATF saying that they can regulate lead, brass, and gun-grade steel since it can be used to make firearms. Or how about corn because it can be used to make ethanol? Same deal here. If you want to read the actual injunction, it's here:

http://www.usdoj.gov/civil/ocl/cases/Cases/Purrington/Firefox_injunction_opinion.pdf

I almost cried tonight. It pains me to see out civil liberties taken away, faster than I could have ever imagined, and now it's directly attacking one of the things I really love. I have been stuck out here in Kalifornia where I can't make fireworks, so I rarely get a chance to enjoy my hobby. I was hoping that I'd be able to move back home and pick up where I left off. But no longer. In about the next 20 days, the hobbyist firework arena is going to disappear. Which is why it's time to stock up now.

Since the draconian laws regulating fireworks are going to be pushing the legal hobbyists out of business, you should expect to see an increase in illegal fireworks-related injuries, as well as a dramatic increase in illegal bombs. Those people who may have been satisfied with building fountains and skyrockets before are now going to be building pipe bombs and other such idiotic crap.

This situation reminds me of a story fromone of my friends who grew up here in Kalifornia. He said that since fireworks were illegal, the people on his block would dump 5 gallons of gasoline on the ground in the middle of the street and light it on fire. Yeah. Great. No fire hazard there in the dry Kalifornia climate.

Fuck this government. Double fuck the CPSC--they are now one step worse than the Berkeley Police department. I thought there was nothing on this earth worse than the BPD, but I now stand corrected.

New Top 10 Worst Things on Earth:
1. The CPSC
2. The Berkeley Police Department
3. George W. Bush
4. The US Department of Justice
5. The remainder of the Bush administration
6. Berkeley, Kalifornia
7. Rolla, Missouri
8. The people in Kalifornia (especially the gov't)
9. Adolf Hitler
10. Genocide

A Worse Tragedy than 9/11

2007-04-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

Though I have less to vehemently criticize now that I have left the-town-that-should-be-bombed, Berkeley, I should not disspoint my fans with a lack of acerbic and generally unwarranted criticism of the world around me. Last night, I found a new outlet for my stinging appraisals: bad movies.

It should be known that over the past 5 or so years, I have kept an excel spreadsheet of all the movies that I have seen and have rated them on a scale from 1-10. At current count, there are 275 movies on the list. Until last night, the only movie that I had given a score of zero (remember, this is on a scale of 1 to 10) was Spawn. This movie changed that.

If you do nothing else for the rest of your life, remember this name: Shattered Lies. You will thank me when you're at the video store 5 years from now on a rainy Friday night and all the good new releases are already taken. You'll browse through the action movies for something that looks like it's fun but not too intense, and you'll stop and marvel at this movie. Don't let the looks on the outside of the box fool you: inside is a giant steaming pile of male bovine excrement. You can't hear the bad line delivery, you can't see the dispassionate acting, and you can't see the horrible camera work from the still pictures on the outside of the box. DVDs are nice, but I kind of miss the old days of videos, because you knew the movie wasn't worth renting if you found it unrewound halfway through. When it was so bad that someone had to get it out of their VCR as soon as possible, you knew that it wasn't worth it to rent.

So, what is wrong with this movie you ask? Let's sum it up:
- The script
- The acting
- The dialogue
- The casting
- The props
- The scenes
- The camera work
- The music/film score
- The syncing of the sound effects
- Choice of sound effects
- Special effects

Hmm. Let's see if there's anything else that makes a movie... um, nope. There were NO REDEEMING FEATURES to this movie. The lead actress is a washed-up Playboy model from the 80s (no joke). I might have given the movie a 0.5/10 if she had at least gotten naked like Playboy models are supposed to do, but no such luck. Both her and the lead actor cannot deliver a line to save their souls. The lead actor spends most of the movie with his blue jeans hiked up to his belly button, too, which just makes me shudder. They deliver lines in deadpan with no affect at all; they had to try to get them that dry. It reminds me of sitting in high school english class taking turns reading paragraphs out of Charles Dickens. Speaking of high school, I have seen high school plays with better acting.

The movie revolves around a plot of a bunch of guys to steal $3 million dollars in 'extra' money that the US Treasury has printed. Um, yeah. The movie is very vague about everything, and when it tries to pull the old double cross, it makes a mess of everything. Then it pulls a double double cross and nothing makes any sense at all.

The dialogue is stupid at best. There are certain lines that are completely useless. For example, toward the beginning, the two leads are being hunted by 'some guys with guns' (according to them). The guy gives the girl his car keys and says 'when I say go, you go, OK?' She nods, then he asks 'Do you understand?' She says 'yes' in a very deadpan way, and then he grabs a bucket of ice from a random cooler sitting next to the hotel. (Hey, all hotels have coolers with ice in the lot next door, right?) She manages to get into his convertible unnoticed by the guy guarding it, and then he charges this guy (who is carrying a gun), and throws a bucket of ice on the ground in front of him. The bad guy with the gun charges him and, of course, slips and falls on the ice. Nevermind that there's about 10 ice cubes spread over an area of about 100 square feet, and nevermind that he's carrying a ranged weapon that could easily hit this asshole from the 10 feet away that he is. No, he charges, then slips and falls on his back, which is odd, considering momentum is carrying him the other way. Back to the original point, though, the good guy jumps into his convertible and yells 'GO!' at the woman driving it. I would think that yelling 'Go!' in a situation where you've got an attacker with a gun chasing you would be rather self-explanatory. No, they have this big pointless dialogue about 'Do you understand?', and they never really explained it anyway. And one of the many plot holes shows its ugly head here, too: both the leads don't know each other yet, and probably don't trust one another. The woman, however, waits dutifully for the guy to throw the ice, etc., while she could have easily been driving away in his car long before this. Let's see, when you're scared to death and a stranger hands you the keys to his car and you've got a chance for a clean get away, are you going to hang around?

I would say this next paragraph contains spoilers, but this movie really can't be spoiled due to the fact that it already has the smell of milk that has been sitting in the hot summer sun for two weeks, so I won't. As it turns out, the main character is a private detective who has been acting like a criminal this whole time. Not only does it not make any sense, if he were a private detective, he would have easily been able to make connections with other law enforcement in order to get the bad guys chasing them with intent to kill sent back to prison. No, the movie really makes no sense at all, and just to throw in the coup-de-grace, includes a female-on-male rape scene in the middle that is somewhere between disgusting and utterly stupid.

If all the above hasn't given you enough reason to avoid this movie, I rented Daredevil the next night, and by comparison, it was better than The Godfather. I rented this movie on dollar night and felt ripped off. After the rape scene, I watched most of the movie on 8x fast forward, and it was still tedious.

I spent 63 minutes of my life watching that atrocity that I will never get back again; don't make the same mistake. Do the right thing and put this movie where it belongs: your fireplace.

Shitfest 2008

2007-02-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's soon to be that time again, where this country wastes more time, money and energy on a popularity contest; yes, I'm talking about the presidential election of 2008. Already the ass-sucking politicians have put themselves up front. Unfortunately for America, we have nothing but shit again to choose from. Sort of sounds familiar until you look at our lineup this time, before even the democratic or republican national conventions: we're screwed. Let's take a look at some of the major contenders.

Democrats:

Hilary Clinton - She'll never win. She's carrying years of baggage with her from Bill's presidency; the conservatives had 8 years of her husband in office to villanize her, then 6 more of her in the senate to do the same thing. She's politically savvy, but she's arrogant to think that she can win. She's got the most money and delusions of grandeur making her head inflate to the size of the state she represents. She is death for the democrats.

Barack Obama - Obama Osama. Oh yeah, he's black and liberal, too. Sorry, he's done before he even takes off the ground. And he smokes. When was the last time we had a president that smoked, especially given the climate smoking is viewed in now? He's going to be villanized like no one else has been before, even with racist campaigns. He'll go down in flames. The only way we could get a black into office is if Colin Powell ran, and he won't.

Republicans:

John McCain - While I used to have some respect for McCain, he completely lost his spine during the 2000 elections when he caved in to Bush. He's a puppet of the current administration. If he gets elected, we'll have 4 more years of this downward spiral shit. Fuck that. You used to have balls, John; where'd they go? The sad thing is that he's the most electable of the major contenders.

Rudolph Giuliani - He is perhaps the most terrifying figure on the election scene. He is a complete power-mongering despot. He cleaned up New York City by turning it into a facist police state. Ever wonder why Singapore's so clean? Because their people have no freedom there. Rudi doesn't want your soul, he just wants your house, your car, your right to bear arms, your right to freedom of speech, your freedom of movement, your income, all your communications, and pictures of you from public cameras. Remember, this is the guy who prosecuted John Gotti. Gotti used to put on fireworks celebrations when he won cases in court. Giuliani is so petty that he now hates fireworks for that very reason. Guess what, Rudi? Had you done your job properly, you wouldn't have lost, asshole! If Rudi wins, we'll be in even worse shape than Bush, if that's possible.

With the 'real' candidates out of the way, we have one that simply denies reality, but kicks ass just the same. I have no idea what he's like, but given the rest of the field, he's got about a 75% chance of being better than ANY of the current candidates.

Christopher Walken

The Daily Grind

2007-01-30T21:42:00.000-08:00

Can you believe that it's been almost two months since my last rant? That means that things have gotten a lot better here. No kidding. My life has done a 180^o turnaround since the summer. Didn't happen all at once, but slowly is better than nothing. Of course, I do have the odd day during the week when I have to go back into Berkeley. Those days always suck, no matter what. Seriously, they blow. I don't have much good to say about that town, other than it sucks. And yes, that's the good thing I have to say about it.

Most of the stoies I can tell now I hardly remember because I'm so used to the insanity around that place. For instance, the last time I went into Berkeley, the well-dressed bums in their 20s on the street begging for change and the young kids pushing the elderly around to get in the front of the line barely registered with me. The homeless running around the streets screaming, the guys outside the BART station with the signs that say "Money for pot", none of it phases me anymore. I don't know whether or not to be scared of this, as I suppose it's possible I'm becoming a Kalifornian.

Nah, probably not. I still think these people are idiots; I just don't gape anymore. Like a modern slasher flick, there's no shock factor left in anything you've witnessed 3000 times already.

Now I have small laughs when I go into work and the guards purposely mess with you to see if you're paying attention. I enjoy the fact that when I leave work late at night that I don't have to worry about getting mugged. I can leave my car unlocked. The area I live in isn't infested with assholes and criminals. Though it is still Kalifornia and my really cool guns still have to stay at home, I am on the edge of the place that is called Kalifornia and the place that is called California. Because if it came to it, the place that is still worth of being called California would repeal the gun laws, the fireworks laws and all the other sill bullshit legislation in a second and go back to being part of the United States. Until then, my friends, we are screwed.

Casino Royale: MI4

2006-11-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

If you want to see a movie with as many plot problems at Mission: Impossible, take a look at Casino Royale. It tries to be way too heady for its own good, and it collapses in a heap. Without spoiling the movie (if such can be done), I shall try to illuminate the problems:

1. Daniel Craig - This queer-bait dickhead looks like he belongs in a Calvin Klein underwear ad, not as James Bond, superspy. While I don't think this guy is particularly blonde like the papers say he his, the fact remains that we don't have a dark-haired bond because Daniel Craig refused to dye his hair for the role. What an arrogant prick.

2. Lack of Comedy - While some of the latter Bond movies were almost ridiculous with some of their comedy, these films are meant to be seen by teenage boys. Casino Royale was definitely meant to be an adult movie and took itself way too seriously. The comedy that did result was from Bond's acting like an asshole, not his wit. The comedy took its cue more from an episode of Jackass than the dry British humor and wry wit we have come to expect of Bond.

3. Confusing Jargon - At the beginning of the movie, a big deal is made over Bond's 00 status. Only one reference is made to the requirements of it, and the person who elevated him to that status doesn't seem happy with it. So, why is he a double O agent? It introduces the idea without explaining it or backing it up, making it useless, confusing jargon.

4. Terrorism - If this is supposed to be set in the modern day, fine, we don't have the Russians, but for God's sake, how cliché can we be? Even worse, the terrorists aren't believeable. They're simply people who appear on screen with creepy music and are labeled as 'terrorists'. Boring. Why not have one of them wear a Greenpeace shirt? They'd be 'terrorists', too. If the movie wanted to make the villians terrorists, they needed to really villanize them. They didn't, and the villians came across simply as assholes.

5. Lack of Chemistry - Perhaps it's because we don't have Miss Moneypenny or Q to help us see Bond's charming and witty side, but Bond has no chemistry on screen with anyone. There's a dreadful lack of chemistry with M, who in previous movies has always seemed to be like the schoolteacher who gives a glare at her favorite mischevious student. In Casino Royale, she really doesn't like him, or at least that's the impression you get.

6. Plot Twists - This is one of the biggest sticking points for me. While some of the previous Bond movies have required more suspension of disbelief (like the nuclear sub crashing into the ocean floor and not failing...), this movie leaves you twisting in the wind at the end due to the twisting nature of the plot. The plot is like a pretzel--a broken one. Instead of tying things up neatly at the end, it takes two or three twists more than it should have and winds up taking a giant shit on itself and stomping about in it some. Up until the last 30 or so minutes of the movie, the plot stays relatively simple and has no problems. Then one large twist happens, which could have been really good--if they had stopped there. Then it twists again, and again and again. It reminded me of the part in Mission: Impossible at the end wher Tom Cruise starts pulling the masks off and you're wondering what the hell is going on. You'll wonder the same thing about the end of Casino Royale.

7. Texas Hold'em - PLEASE! This is the silliest thing they have in the movie. A huge deal of the game is made, and it is given way too much screen time. Not only that, but do you think that they're going to be playing No Limit Texas Hold'em Poker (which, incidentally is specifically mentioned by name by a french-accented dealer to ridiculous effect) in Monte Carlo? No.

8. Anachronism - This movie is supposed to take place before Bond becomes Bond. Well, if that's the case, then maybe we better step back in time to 1962, because it's painfully obvious with cellphones and the like that Bond is not in the 60s. Some people said that this movie is like Batman Begins. Well, the Batman movies were set in Gotham city, a ficticious metropolis. In Batman Begins you also had the feel of the 1915s during the scenes in China, and the 1920s-1930s when Bruce Wayne returns home. Yeah, they had some technological gadgets, but the decor and the people were old-styled. I'd have been fine with Bond using really high-tech gadgets if the decor had been a bit older.

9. Daniel Craig - One last time, this guy is a pussy. He comes across as a thug. There is no pinache, no suaveness, and no wit. Craig is lame. He plays Bond about as well as Sylvester Stallone would have played Tim Robbins' character from The Shawshank Redemption.

The final wrap? Had they ended it about 20 minutes earlier, Casino Royale would have been a good action movie. Not a Bond movie at all, but still a good action movie. As it is, it didn't even make the good action movie category. This movie will leave you unfulfilled and with more questions than when you went in, one of which will be "Why did I just pay to see this?"

Let's be Blunt

2006-10-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

In other words, let's be idiots. I mean like Matt Blunt, the governor of Missouri. I rarely disparage places back in the midwest, but this is retarded. There was a school shooting down in Joplin yesterday; fortunately no one was hurt. Unfortunately, it came to the governor's attention and he suggested that teachers should be armed. No shit. That's embarassingly stupid. He even commented on TV that many soldiers are returning home from Iraq to become schoolteachers and that they have firearms experience, so it could be a good fit. Glad to see the governor comparing his state's schools to the anarchy and chaos of Fallujah.

Let's take this one step at a time, shall we? First, we have the idea of bringing guns into schools. I think we all know where I stand on the right to bear arms, so this is not coming from a gun-control advocate, but this is perhaps the worst idea on how to stop school shootings. In my opinion, there are several venues where firearms should not be allowed, and there should be ample security in place to prevent firearms from entering. These venues include, but are not necessairly limited to:

Schools

Stadiums

Courthouses

Classified government facilities

Churches

Aircraft

Of all these, churches would be the hardest to control. The others are easier: search everyone who comes in. Sorry if that invades your privacy, but tough shit. Do random searches so you never know if you're going to be popped in order to keep throughput high. Most places you won't even need a search if you have a uniformed police officer at the door to the building scoping for people with problems. These assholes who shoot up schools come right up to the front door with their guns ready to roll; they don't sneak shit inside a backpack. These areas should be highly controlled. We can't control the world, the country, or even a county, but we sure as hell can control a building, and we should.

Which brings me to my second point: have an armed cop at the door. Not a fucking rent-a-cop or pussy ass security guard, get a real fucking cop who is trained and armed. He or she can serve as a lookout for suspicious activity. Have all the kids come in through one door past this guard so they all pass muster. It may not be perfect, but it will diminish the crazy shooters by a large percentage.

On average, 30 people a year die from shooting sprees, both in schools and out. This is a very, very low number. While it is terrible that these instances occur, it is statistically insignificant compared to the 270 million people in the US. The fucking world trade center disaster is statistically insignificant when you look at it. If you arm teachers, you have brought the number of firearms in schools up to a significant level--there will be firearms-related incidents based soley on statistics. What if a teacher leaves a gun someplace, like in a desk drawer? What if a teacher accidentally sets it off, injuring or killing himself or a student? What if the teacher's gun is taken from him? (It even happens to trained cops. Really.) Ever wonder why cops don't carry guns in large mobs of people, like in prisons or stadiums? It's because the gun is more likely to be used against them after it's taken away. I'm not saying that the whole school is going to mob an armed teacher, but a teacher is going to be a lot easier target for one or two students to take down than a cop.

The most likely firearm to be issued to a teacher would be a handgun. This is perhaps the worst type of gun to carry around a school. Handguns are inherently less accurate than rifles or shotguns due to their smaller sight radius, plus they are a single projectile which can penetrate targets or richochet with killing force remaining. Rifles, while more accurate, are even worse with penetration and ricocheting. The real gun of choice would be a shotgun--and what kind of teacher is going to carry around a 12 gauge in class? In order to control the gun, it would have to be in their hands at all times, thus handicapping them from writing on the board, or really doing anything other than speaking. Besides this, if you hit someone with a shotgun at close range, they're dead. What if your teacher misses? Very easy to miss when you're firing under pressure. A cop only hits 4 in 10 targets, 1 in 10 if the target is moving. (Check out these chilling stories). How do you think an untrained or undertrained teacher would do?

Next, we have the real crux of the problem: incompetent teachers. Not that they teach incompetently (which may be arguable in many cases), but rather that they are incompetent marksmen. They are trained to teach, not shoot. Sure, if we hired ex-Navy SEALs and SWAT team members, fine, but there's only so many ROTC and gym classes to be taught. Those people are professionals with hundreds of hours firing in combat situations and training. They know when to fire, they know to hold their fire, they know how to protect their weapon, they know what to do under fire, and they can shoot accurately. Think about your 9th grade foreign language teacher. Think about your 11th grade english teacher? Think any of them would survive Army Ranger school? Doubt it. Those people are trained to kill. When some jerkoff in black face paint is charging you with a gun, it's not very hard to cap them a few times if you're trained for it. It's a hell of a lot harder when you're Mr. Smith the history teacher having Jake Roberts, that kid with the bad essay on Napoleon but with so much promise, pointing his dad's bolt-action .22 at your head. The training needed would be expensive both monetarily and time wise and the washout rate would be phenomenal, but that would be the standard you would have to hold anyone in a public building full of children to in order to feel safe about them wielding a gun there.

This whole idea stinks from top to bottom. There need to be social programs in place to help people who are having mental problems. School counselors should have a better idea what's going on and used more by the administration for students who are acting up. The entire populace should be given mandatory firearms training at the end of elementary school--so that they don't see guns as a pathway to power, but rather as a tool. If there's a serious problem, then post armed police officers at the door to the school and perform random searches. But guns in schools? Dumbest idea I've heard since erasing our second amendment right.

But let me be Blunt and offer a band-aid solution: instead of arming teachers, armor them. Issue body armor to teachers. Doesn't take much training to wear a BPV properly, and it might just save a life, which is more than I can say for the arming of teachers.

Success

2006-09-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm assuming many of you read PostSecret. There is one card on there this week that says "I'll consider myself successful when I can shop at Banana Republic." The card doesn't really mean that much to me, but the comment someone wrote in is:

"I'll consider myself successful when I can get back everything I gave up in order to be successful."

People have thought I am successful over the years for a number of reasons. Currently it's because I'm in a PhD program at Berkeley. Lemme tell you, it's a load of crap. There are a lot of things that I have had to give up in order to make it out here, and I'm not convinced it was worth it. If you are happy in your life, keep it; awards, money and prestige don't mean shit. I didn't come out here for that, but I have had to fight to keep myself from being measured by it.

M82A1 (92.5%)

2006-09-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

So, let's take a survey: what would you like to see shot first?

An old TV/Computer monitor

A cinder block

A 'W' Bobblehead doll

A milk jug filled with water

_______________ (write in your idea here)

Kalifornia, how I Hate Thee; Let me Count the Ways...

2006-08-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

I was at our weekly Friday chemistry outing with beer and chips sponsored by the department out on the plaza, talking it up with some of the other grad students when I spied an old grad student from our department who had recently returned from a post doc position in Japan. He's a great guy, so I said hi, and we got to talking. He said that it was a good experience, but he started counting down the days until he returned here several months into the work. I laughingly mentioned that I was counting down the days until I left this state, and he was surprised, asking me "What, you don't like it here?" to which I responded "Hell no!" He then asked the question that so many others have asked me: "Why don't you like it here?" This usually stumps me, as there are so many reasons I hate this place that I can't even begin to list them, as I'm trying to sort them out in my head. Rather than continue to hesitate when someone asks me this question, I shall enumerate here in traditional Letterman format, the Top 10 reasons I hate Kalifornia. Shall we?

Top Ten Reasons Kalifornia Sucks the Big One

10. The shitty, dreary winters with endless rain. This is the most depressing time of year. To never see the sun for 3 months--the only place worse for this is Seattle.

9. Lack of safety in the urban areas. San Francisco, no matter how lovely, has one of the highest crime rates for large cities in the US. Oakland? Richmond? Lost Angeles? We won't even go there.

8. People can't drive. No, seriously, it's like someone made sure you drove like an asshole at 45 in the hammer lane on the highway when there's plenty of other lanes to choose from.

7. Idiotic people. "Do they have Kangaroos in Missouri?" "You just said that benzyl bromide is a good SN2 substrate. Does that mean that benzyl bromide is a good SN2 substrate?" "Conservatives don't listen. We, as liberals, listen to you. What did you say your name was again?"

6. Harassment by the pigs. While I don't have a problem with the Livermore police (at least not yet), the Berkeley Police can burn in hell.

5. Apathetic people. 'If you don't give a shit about it, chances are it doesn't matter' seems to be the motto out here. Perhaps if they don't give a shit about the 225 grain Winchester silver-tip hollowpoint that I just sent toward their head at 1050 fps, it won't turn their brains into textured wallpaper. Whoops! Healthy dose of reality--physics still work in the real world!

4. Rude people. Why don't you fucks acknowledge my presence? At least people in Boston say "Fuck you!". Here you could die in the street (or on the LA metro like in Collateral) and no one would know. The only thing more rude than being directly rude (which is the case occasionally) is to completely ignore you because you are too insignificant.

3. Overpriced shit. Everything except fruits and vegetables are way overpriced. The cost of housing is ridiculous. The cost of living is terrible. How anyone puts up with this for more than a few years is beyond me. I used a price calculator online--my salary here is equivalent to $7,344 in St. Louis. Yeah.

2. Gun/Pyrotechnic/Misc. laws. I don't like anyone telling me what to do, but especially legislatures curtailing my civil liberties. Our president is doing a good enough job flushing them down the toilet; why help him?

1. Overpopulation and crowding. This place is a festering cesspool of the worst of humanity. We're stacked on top of each other like ants, or perhaps more correctly, like shit on shit. I can't turn around without being on top of someone else. I can't walk out into the woods without being bothered. It makes me claustrophobic. I think when I return I'm going to need to go into the middle of nowhere to detox from all the assholes here. This problem leads to many of the rest of those already mentioned, too.

So, there you have it. 10 big reasons why Kalifornia is one of the shittiest places to live. I would say in the United States, but I'm not convinced we're part of the union anymore.

Pain Relief?

2006-08-17T23:08:00.000-07:00

Normally when I buy a bottle of pain relievers, such as Tylenol or ibuprofen, I use 2-4 pills and wind up throwing the rest away because the bottle expires before I ever get around to using them. I don't like taking any drugs at all, even when I probably should. I will try to outwait a headache rather than take some aspirin, and only if I have a really bad headache or have pulled a muscle will I take something. Tonight marks the THIRD bottle of ibuprofen I've bought in Kalifornia--and the first two I ran dry. The first bottle was 50 tablets--the second was 100--and this time I said screw it and bought the 100 tablet bottle again. Why? Because this state is so painful that even I am going through bottles of pain reliever. Since I know I'm going to need it I may as well save some money by buying in bulk.

M82A1 (83.75%)

2006-08-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

Gotta love that summer money. Unfortunately, the move and this killer commute to Berkeley has taken a big chunk out of my summer funds, but I'm hoping that the rest of the summer won't be quite so disastrous on the old pocketbook. You know that you want to see an old TV get hit by this thing.

Strange Things and Weirdos IX

2006-07-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, indeed, it's time for another installment of Strange Things and Weirdos. This time, we are going to be covering the timespan of a few months, for these events have a central theme: the BART.

BART is the Bay Area Rapid Transit mass transportation here. It's sort of like Chicago's EL, but it's too expensive and doesn't run at convenient hours. Nonetheless, it is the only mass transit here, so it is used by many. The system is kind of old, and is pretty dirty, as I doubt it has been washed in many years. Cloth seats lend to the general nastiness and funk, but all in all, it's better than nothing. Unfortunately, it's usually as expensive, or in some cases, more expensive, and always less time efficient to take BART as opposed to riding in a car. If you carpool or if there is more than one person in your family taking BART, a car is cheaper all around.

So, first, something mildly amusing to get the story rolling. I'm sitting in a BART station and a train is approaching. The sign overhead flashes: Train Out of Service / Train Won't Stop. The train slows approaching the station, then stops. Matter of fact, it stays stopped for about 5 minutes, all the while with this sign flashing 'Train Won't Stop'. Good.

But that's not all that funny. The first story brings us back to April, when I was flying back from Minnesota. I landed at SFO, so I had to take BART back. I get on, and another Berkeley student, a poor freshman girl, sits down in front of me. She's obviously returning from Spring Break as well, as she has a suitcase, etc. For the first couple of stops, nothing is amiss. Then this old Asian guy comes walking from car to car trying to talk to people, and he zeros in on this poor girl.

Now, this girl is probably a bit timid, and since she's new here, probably hasn't dealt with people on BART much. Many of the people that ride BART are crazy. They're even worse than the street panhandlers because they know they have a captive audience. You either ignore them completely or give them a look of death; if you don't, they'll pester you the entire ride. Well, this poor girl hasn't learned how to be an asshole to BART crazies yet, so this Asian guy starts talking her up.

"Do you think that people should be allowed to drive SUVs?" She is polite with him and enters into a discussion, and then realizes she's been had. This guy starts launching into a tirade about how SUVs are evil, should be outlawed, how our president is a murderer, and then he starts getting into this existential shit about how we can live forever. He starts going on and on about how the government has discovered how to turn off some receptor in a gene that controls how we age but won't tell anyone about it. The girl asks why anyone would want to live forever, which really launches this guy off. I quit listening for a while, but I'd drift in and out of the conversation to hear shit like "This government wants us to all die so they can control us, but they have the technology. Don't doubt it. They will dole out the cure to our children so they can live in slavery forever."

Then we cross the bay and hit West Oakland. We get some rather seedy and questionable characters on the train there. Two black guys sit down across from me, and across the aisle from this Asian guy. One of them is obviously a student; he's well dressed and looks respectable. The other is some sort of street tough. His eyes are yellowed and bloodshot, he's got a couple of cuts, some tattoos, his clothes are dirty, and he's about 6'3" / 300 lbs. After a few minutes of listening to this Asian guy go on and on, he asks the student to his left and me "What the fuck is he talking about? He needs to shut up. I need some more crack." At this point, I'm beginning to wish that I had at least brought my K-Bar.

Then the Asian guy says: "Here in the US, our civil war 400 years ago taught us about slavery. The black man chose to be enslaved by the white man, and it was because the white man left out the gene that turns off when we die that he was enslaved." (I'm just repeating what he said, not claiming that it makes any sense). At this point, I thought the big black guy across from me was going to kill the Asian dude. He said something like "What the fuck did he just say?" and started to move that way when the student talked a bit of sense into him and he just started cussing at the Asian guy.

A couple of stops later, we're are the Berkeley BART station, and this girl isn't sure if she's at the right place. I told her that she was, and she said 'Thanks'. The Asian guy gets off the train following her, and I said to her as she exited "I bet that's the last time you talk to anyone on BART!" She looked over her shoulder, gave me this wide eyed exasperated expression and says "Yeah!"

Moral of this story: Don't talk to strangers on BART or you're likely to get your ass kicked by a crackhead who's just been insulted by a racist Asian without a sense of history.

Our second story brings us again to BART, although this time just a few days ago. On certain days out here, there is a lot of pollution in the air, so the BART system opens its doors for free and we have a 'spare the air' day. It encourages people to take mass transit instead of drive, and beecause it's the only day where it's actually economical to ride BART, it's jammed. Every parking lot is full, and the trains are standing room only. Unfortunately, it also means that homless guys and crazies can just walk right through the gates and shuffle from one train to the next panhandling and checking trash cans.

On this particular day, I was riding back home on the BART, and had just boarded at the Berkeley station. The train takes off, and no sooner than the train has taken off does this 20ish black guy with an LA Kings jersey and baggy pants run up the aisle in the train, pushing everyone out of the way screaming 'Look out!' and charges ahead into the next car. Everyone in a little annoyed at this, but they also realize that every nutcase is probably riding this train today for lack of anything better to do. Things settle down. Then a few minutes later, he comes back again, jumping over and around people, and knocking people out of the way. This time he's screaming "Look out, federal agent coming through!" and dashes to the back of the train. Now everyone's wondering what this guy's problem is. We take off again from the next station, and he continues. He must have made the circuit on the train about 6 times before the BART announcer says "If you have anyone causing problems on your car, please press the call button and let me know." Then we stop and the BART police get on the train with the dog. Nevermind that the train is crowded as shit because there's like 600 people trying to get home, no, the dog gets on and now this guys chase is for real. He dashes off the train screaming "Federal Agent! Move!" and dashes up the escalator at Lake Merritt with the BART police in hot pursuit with their German Shepherd. Then the train doors and everything returns to normal.

I'm not sure there is a moral to this story. On the plus side, I have actually seen a law enforcement agent of Kalifornia do something worthwhile, so I have a modicum of respect for the BART police now.

Lies, Damn Lies and Kalifornia

2006-07-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

There are several lies about this state bordering the Pacific Ocean. I'm only going to get into one, and it's about the weather.

The general idea is that the weather in Kalifornia is great all the time. In reality, this isn't the case. First, only a narrow strip along the coast has 'good' weather. Most of the state is a desert. Second, that strip that has 'good' weather in reality has shitty weather most of the time. Let's look at a breakdown of the seasons:

Spring: ~March - May

This season undoubtedly has the best weather. There usually isn't much rain, and during the day, temperatures are usually in the 70s. It's sunny much of the time, although it can be quite overcast for long spells. The problem is at night the temperature plummets and since there's little humidity, you wind up freezing because of the shorts you wore during the day. Thus you have to carry shorts, a change of long pants, a fleece and a windbreaker to work with you in the morning. That's a pain in the ass.

Summer: ~June - August

Summer is the second best season. Unfortunately, it can get hot. The heat is usually in the high 80s to mid 90s, which isn't too bad because of the low humidity, but it is misery in most of the houses here because no one has A/C and none of the houses are insulated for shit. Seriously, no one insulates anything. My old apartment would be 117 during the day because of the sun and 51 at night because the temperature plummeted. My thermometer indoors would record the hi and low temps, so that's an empirical number. Again you have the problem of carrying all your junk with you to prepare for all types of weather, yet it's worse in this season because of the larger temperature differential.

Fall: ~September - November

This is very nearly the worst season. You think: "Oh, pretty leaves changing colors!" but that isn't the case since it's the hot season here. Temperatures can reach the high 90s and I have been here for over 100 days. The fog rolls in and stays in all day until the late afternoon when you get about 1 hour of sun. But you get sunburned because of the excessive UV coming through the clouds. Changing colors? Fuck no. You either get green trees that have no idea what fucking season it is anymore because the weather is so screwy or you get ones that are wilted because of lack of water.

Winter: ~December - February

After that heat of Fall, you get the horrible misery of rain which is nice for the first few days. But it never really rains. It just tries for three months. It's like an old man trying to take a piss for 30 minutes but can't get more than a dribble. And it's constant. It starts and won't let up. This past winter we had a continuous 42 days of rain. Never rains heavy enough to be a real rainstorm, just some light drizzly crap. You see the sun twice in three months. It's painfully depressing to not see the sun for three months. You get soaked everywhere you go. Mold grows like crazy. And then it gets cold at night and everything in your apartment is damp because there's nothing that hasn't been touched by the rain. Even better, people drive like even MORE shit, which you might not think is possible once you see them drive here in the summer. You trade cold and snow for three months of depressing attempted rain.

I'm not sure what the weather is like further inland here, but my experience so far has been hot and dry. Today it was 115 in the shade with a heat index of 121. It only gets down to 78 at night, so we don't have that clothing problem. It's looking a little better. It better not rain all winter, or if it does, it better not be half-assed. I want my goddamned thunderstorms that wash the pavement away, then break away to reveal clear skies in about 10 minutes.

M82A1 (71.25%)

2006-07-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

We are closer than ever with a little help from the summer fellowship incentive. We may be ready by the end of the summer. Little did the University of California know that the salary they paid me would go toward an anti-tank rifle.

Useless Friends

2006-07-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a friend's house for 'movie night'. It's our way of hanging out together. One of my friends who was there always antagonizes me about not liking Kalifornia, telling me it's not that bad. We usually playfully banter back and forth about it, which I have no problem with. She began again on me last night, and we were joking around when one of my other friends entered into the conversation and was serious. Then the argument became rather heated and I became pissed off. The basic assertion of these two women was that people in Berkeley are more friendly than people in the midwest. They said that I only saw people as unfriendly here because I expected people to be rude and that people were nice to me back home because I had a different attitude there. They wouldn't listen to me, and one of my friends (the one who joined in later) insisted that people in the midwest wouldn't talk to her. Well, fuck them, here's my answer to them, despite their unwillingness to listen.

First, realize that people in the midwest won't bother you if you look like you're in a hurry, staring at your feet and have a pissed off look on your face. So, since you have a Kalifornia attitude already, don't expect anyone to kiss your ass. Second, I don't know who the fuck you talked to in Berkeley, but let me know who they are so that I can actually have someone talk to me further than "unh". Third, people are more inclined to talk to you here, because both of you are good looking girls, of which there is a major shortage here. Back in the midwest, you're in a larger pond and thus attract less attention.

Next, I am accused of having a different attitude at home. I wish that were true. Every time I go home, I find myself ignoring people, not making eye contact, and not talking to people. After a few people at checkstands or just walking down the street say hi to me, I have to remind myself I'm not in hell any longer and that I can actually talk to people without getting ignored or yelled at. But the people at home ARE more friendly. I think so. My parents think so. All of my friends who have visited Kalifornia think so. Co-workers who came out here from the midwest think so. I'm not crazy and don't have skewed perceptions. People here are just assholes.

Which brings up another point: my attitude toward people here and my expectations. When I first came here, I expected everyone to be nice; nicer than the midwest in fact. I'd heard that Berkeley was very liberal, and I thought that would be a welcome break from the conservative assholes back home--but it wasn't. People here were more rude than all but the worst conservative assholes back home. It's part of what contributed to my first two years out here being so miserable. That was an expectation on my part that people would be NICE--not that I expected them to be assholes like was implied. Now, of course, I do expect people to be assholes, but that's after 3 years here.

In short, the accusations were garbage, and all I wound up being was pissed off for nothing. My friend I usually banter with diffused the situation pretty well once we got to the house, but my other friend kept at me for a bit. I just about got up and left.

There's only one place I've ever been where the people were more unfriendly than Berkeley, and that's Rolla. Guess what? I wouldn't live in either and if the Air Force accidentally bombed either of them to the ground I woudn't shed a tear.

So, what have I learned here? Even friends you have here are slightly Kaliforniaized. I'll be amazed if I leave here with more than one friend.

Home

2006-07-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, there has not been much to bitch about recently. I moved on the 13th of June, and now it's nearly a month later and I still have about 50% of my things to unpack. Today I brought the total from 85% unpacked to the now 50%, and may unpack more before I head to bed. My place is looking much bigger already, although I'm sure I won't finish tonight. I have been so busy that today is the third day that I have had at my new place since I moved in. Yeah.

So, for those who weren't tuned in, here's the comparison between my old place and my new place:

	Old	New
In California	(-)	(-)
Town Quality	Bad (-)	OK (+)
Area of Town	Bad (-)	Good (+)
Parking	On-street (-)	Covered off-street (+)
Dishwasher	No (-)	Yes (+)
Washer/Dryer	None (-)	Full-sized in apt. (+)
Square feet	280	653
Cost per sq. ft.	$2.50/month	$1.42/month
Hot tub access	Yes (+)	Yes (+)
Pool access	No (-)	Yes (+)
Good landlord	Yes (+)	Yes (+)
Stove type	Gas (+)	Electric (-)

Really, the only thing that I would change about the new place is that it has an electric stove, something that I can live with. The old place was cramped, moldy and kind of crappy in general. The new place is bright, clean, and spacious. It's even got 9' cielings. I feel like I'm living in a palace out here. Just need to keep my costs down and I'll be money wise, too. My only real fear is that I'll be isolated from my friends in Berkeley. I've only got two good friends in Berkeley though, so maybe that's not as big a deal as I thought.

I am a little surprsied that I haven't made as many friends here as I did in undergrad. I lived in a dorm then, so I saw those people more frequently perhaps, but I still see people often while at work, so I don't know if that qualifies. While in undergrad, if I had to count the number of people I made good friends with, I would say that I made 12 close friends. I had a number of people more than that with whom I would say that I am solid friends. Granted, I was there 5 years and have only been here 3. My last two years there, though, I picked up only one of those friends. Here, I have two close friends, and two that I would consider friends, one of whom doesn't count because I was friends with her at U of I and she wound up coming here for grad school. Eleven close friends divided by 3 years, or if you will, 12 divided by 5, gives a minimum of 2.4 close friends per year in undergrad. Here the ratio is 0.6 per year. Perhaps there are lies, damn lies, and statistics, but there is definitely something about this place that is not conducive to making friends that easily. Is it grad school? Is it the fact that I'm in an apartment? Or is it more like the people in the area are assholes? I'm betting there's some of all three, but a good portion of the latter.

For those of you who were there on the 4th, it was a great time. I had a blast. And so did Mr. Incredible. Being home makes me feel alive again, lets me breathe and I feel at home there. I spent time in Illinois, Minnesota, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Florida, Arizona, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Kentucky and Missouri. I've driven through a lot more than these, but these states I have spent enough time in to get a sense of the area. Of all these places, I could live in any but California, Arizona and Florida. I'm not enthralled with Pennsylvania or Arkansas much, but I could live there. Arizona and Florida are too hot and too crowded in the cities. California is a gigantic cesspool.

I think the saddest thing that I have lost out here is cello. The orchestra never cut it, and my playing has completely gone to shit. There is a big hole in my life, and it is cello. I'm trying to rectify that, but it isn't easy with the amount of time that I work.

Good luck to everyone out there trying to find their lost passions and being comfortable with where they are in life.

A $100 Tank of Gas

2006-05-23T18:13:00.000-07:00

Gas is rapidly approaching the point where it will cost me $100 to fill my tank. The cheapest gas I could find today was $3.49, and that's down from $3.65 that it was earlier this week. Once gas hits $3.71/gallon, it will cost me just over $100 to fill my tank. Yes, I have a 27 gallon tank, but let's not forget that in May of 1998, only 8 years ago, I filled my tank for less than $20--$19.14 to be exact, back when gas was $0.709/gallon in Missouri.

The saddest thing about this is that the gas prices, while high here, are the most similar to prices of items back home. People complain about gas here--when they should be complaining about rent, taxes, food, services and commercial goods--most of which are anywhere between 2-10 times more than back home.

Quotes

2006-05-13T04:45:00.000-07:00

Normally, I wouldn't post random quotes here. However, I'm cleaning my apartment and came across these that I will soon be throwing away, yet I wish for others to bask in the glory of these fools. So now their rhetoric shall shine like a polished turd.

"We try to convey to everybody that we're just learning just like everyone else. We're on this planet to be, y'know, as humans."
--singer Chris Kirkpatrick of 'NSync

"Sundance [Film Festival] is weird. The movies are weird--you actually have to think about them when you watch them."
--Britney Spears

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for 'entrepreneur'."
--Our glorious president, George W. Bush

"I let him do it. And it felt so good. God, that pain is like nothing else in the world. And it's so sexual, too, you know? I mean, after it's done you just want to go and drive a car off a cliff or something, you know?"
--Drew Barrymore after getting a tattoo

"We spent week one in Oman at 4 different bases and we got a true behind the scenes look at what it is like to be a soldier. We lived like them--at each base we were bunked in a 12-person tent and slept on cots and had to walk to the public restroom. We roughed it!"
--on the Miami Dolphins cheerleader site

"I desire what is good. Therefore, everyone who does not agree with me is a traitor."
--King George III of England

"Either you're with us or you're with the terrorists."
--George W. Bush, July 17, 2002

Strange Things and Weirdos VIII

2006-05-12T03:47:00.000-07:00

Having been incredibly busy as of late, I have not had much time to write in the blog. But now, for all of you who have been waiting with baited breath, there comes a special installment of Strange Things and Weirdos.

First, we shall begin with a sight I beheld a couple of weeks ago. I've been working a lot, sometimes on a late schedule. I had just gone home and was walking back to campus around 10pm to do another 5 hours worth of work, up Shattuck Ave. Shattuck Avenue in Berkeley is sort of like Grand Blvd in St. Louis or Broadway in New York. It's where everything happens, both good and bad. So, as I pass by two homeless guys smoking crack, I am not surprised. I'm sure those of us who have lived in the city are now wondering "Why is this strange or weird?", but no, my friends, this is Kalifornia. The whole picture was ridiculous. Imagine, if you will, two homeless men, completely soiled and smelly standing around a storefront at night. Now imagine that one of the bums is huffing through a rolled up piece of aluminum foil held over a spoon containing crack which the other bum is heating from the bottom with a cigarette lighter. Ordinarily, this would not be strange, except for the spoon. It wasn't any ordinary spoon--it was one of those free giveaways like you get from Microsoft with the blinking light-up pink neon handles. So, imagine two bums smoking crack from a neon-pink light-up Microsoft spoon in front of a really upscale Scandanavian furniture store and you have Berkeley.

I also play in the orchestra in town. It's a good time, and the people are cool. My stand partner this year was an 18 year old freshman. She was a tiny little Asian, really nice and cute in a puppy-dog sort of way. She's from the LA area orignally and completely naive. She comes in one night at rehearsal with her hair cut. Nothing big, but noticeable. I asked her if she got her hair cut. It went something like this:

Me: "Did you get your hair cut?"
Her: "Yeah, but I need to get it cut again, it's really messed up."
Me (oblivious to what is wrong): "Really? What's wrong with it?"
Her: "Well, you know, guy's hair isn't that big a deal, but girls hair has to be layered and cut specially. I went to SuperCuts this time because it was $17 instead of my usual haircutter who's $33. I went in and it was really weird. There were all these people in there, like guys and stuff. I think some of them drove busses. I was waiting for this woman to cut my hair, but then this guy called my name, and I was too embarassed to say that I didn't want him to cut my hair, so he cut my hair and did a terrible job--he just cut it straight across. I mean, I let a guy cut my hair and he wasn't even gay!"

At this point I was almost rolling out of my chair onto the floor with laughter. She was so sincere about being affronted by having a non-homosexual male cut her hair that it was hilarious. No discrimination that someone is gay--but the complete taking for granted of the stereotypes of homosexuals that they are more artistic and can cut hair better. It makes me smile even now thinking about it. The naivety and sincerity of it all was hilarious. Only in Kalifornia would you have someone like that.

The last strange piece of news also comes from the orchestra. One of the girls in the orchestra told me that she saw my stand partner at the dentist and didn't recognize her. This girl I was talking to is Asian. She says to me "Yeah, I didn't recognize her--but it wasn't my fault--she's Asian, this whole orchestra is Asian, and all Asians look the same." This also sent me into fits of laughter--what some people say about Asians we have one saying about themselves--with total sincerity.

Sometimes I wonder about the naivety of the people here.

FUCK THE BERKELEY POLICE, PART II

2006-04-08T01:22:00.000-07:00

FUCK THE BERKELEY POLICE
FUCK THE BERKELEY POLICE
FUCK THE BERKELEY POLICE

I cannot express the rage I have right now. The worthless, asshole Berkeley Police are the source of my infuriation once again. This time, they towed my car. I called them, they said that my car had an expired registration. This is a lie. My car's registration expires in '07, which it clearly states both of my license plates and my registration. I go to the police station, which tells me they need the original registration (which is in the car itself). Bear in mind this is at 9:30pm in the rain. I go to the towing company. They aren't there. I go back to my place to use the phone. The towing company finally answers, telling me that they will open the gate. I go once again to the towing company. The guy there tells me that I can go to my car to get out whatever I need. I go to my car and am surprised to find it open. I open the door, and find the contents of my glovebox spilled all over the seat and floor. The registration is laying right on top, so the cop obviously looked at it. I asked the towing company guy and he says "Oh yeah, the cops search everything and dump it everywhere and never put anything back." Great, so now that the cops have illegally towed my car, they have also performed an illegal search. The towtruck guy had to open my car with a slimjim to get the parking brake off, but the cops just searched my car anyway. I'm wondering if they broke the trunk and searched it, too. Fuckers.

I get my registration and head back to the police station. Of course, it's after a shift change, so I have to reexplain everything all over again. Now I find out that since the car is titled to my dad, he's got to send a fax with his license, a bunch of information about the car, his signature and some statement saying it's OK to release the car to me. Great, so now I've got to wait until tomorrow, because it's like 3am central time by this point. I also find out that I will have to pay the vehicle release fee, the towing fee, and the storage fee if I am to get my car back before Monday. Then I'm supposed to have my case reviews and be reimbursed by the city if it was found that I was towed in error. Right. Like the city is going to give me my money back. So, I can wait until Monday, although I'm without a car. Then if they don't waive my fees, I'll have more storage fees. This is bullshit. It's extortion as far as I'm concerned--once they have my money, they won't let it go. I'm supposed to call the officer tomorrow. Like what the fuck will that do? She can't unwrite the ticket. Oh yeah, it's a female cop, too. Seems the stereotypes of female cops being bitches with something to prove is right. I've had 'Fuck the Police' on repeat for the past 15 minutes on full volume. I'm so mad right now that I can't even begin to explain it. I hate the Berkeley Police and the state of Kalifornia more than I have ever hated anything in my life. My hate is tangible it's so thick.

Burn in hell, Berkeley. Fuck the Berkeley Police. Die, Kalifornia.

Kalifornia Still Sucks

2006-03-29T23:55:00.000-08:00

I noticed recently that the month was about to slip away without one post from me ranting about this goat-raping state. For shame! You might get the idea that this place is shaping up. Don't worry, it isn't. I've just been busy.

After being harassed by the police, I keep a lookout for the cops now, because I don't trust them. It makes me constantly paranoid that one of those douchebags will pull me over and give me a big ticket for having out of state plates, thus forcing me to relinquish my car. It is the feeling I would think those that live in a police state know well.

On the plus side, I went to Reno Nevada a few weekends ago. Hell of a time out there. Went to a gun range, too, and it was pretty fun to watch people shoot their machineguns out there. Yup, machineguns. Check out the range notice.

[Currently, I am having difficulties with the pictures]

This weekend I again flee the miserable wretchedness of the idiocracy here and travel back to the United States, to Minnesota to visit a friend. Ah, sweet bliss of breathing fresh air and talking to people who aren't assholes.

I smell bacon, I smell grease...

2006-02-20T00:59:00.000-08:00

I smell the University Police!

While my hatred for this ass-licking shit-headed worthless goat-fucking state had diminished over the past couple months, it rose back up again in me like bile after a lunch of polish hotdogs and mayonnaise. Today I was driving up to school to pick someone up for a rehearsal, and a University cop pulls me over. I know at once it's for my plates, as I wasn't doing ANYTHING else wrong. He pulls me over and says "I pulled you over because your plates have two different stickers on them. One says '04, and I just noticed the one that says '07." The strange thing is, he can't pull me over for expired out of state plates. It's not his jurisdiction to pull my ass over for plates that expired IN ANOTHER FUCKING STATE. So, he was just harassing me, plain and simple. He began this tirade about how I have to register my car out here, get it smogged and all this other bullshit. I looked him right in the eye and said "I'm not going to do that because I can't afford to do it. I pay $212 a year in car insurance right now, and that's because this car is registered in Missouri." He laughed and said "That's less than I pay every two months here!" No shit, jackass. This place is an overpriced rip-off. It smells like a ball-sweat factory most of the time and the people here are dickheads. I don't even bother trying to relate all the horrendous tales of assininity I routinely see in this shit-sucking land. But these cops, they burn my ass up. I can only imagine if I were black out here. I'd be thrown against the back of my car and anally searched with a 6" latex glove for sure.

You may say, "No, the police are just doing their job." I say bullshit. Including the time when I drove on only a permit, I have driven for the past 13 years. I have driven this same car for the past 9. I drove this car in Missouri for 10 years. I drove it in Illinois (time overlapping) for 5 - with Missouri plates on it. You know how many times I was pulled over in Illinois? ZERO. You know how many times I was pulled over in Missouri? ONE. And I fucking deserved that--I was doing about 112 in a 55. The cop was cool enough to write me a ticket for 74--still the lowest fine bracket. So, that's ONE time in the 10 years I drove there. None in Illinois. Here in Kalifornia? I've been driving here for LESS THAN TWO YEARS--one and a half years to be exact. You know how many times I've been pulled over here? Two. Been pulled over twice in a year and a half? You know what that is, besides an average of 1.3 times a year? It's called HARASSMENT. Yeah, that's right, it's police harassment to fuck with you when you're NOT DOING A GODDAMNED THING WRONG. Even better, the first time I got pulled over I was on my bike. Wait, let me repeat that. I WAS ON MY GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING BICYCLE! A bicycle for god's sake! Who the fuck pulls over someone on a bike? You have to license your bicycle here, which costs $40 (more than TWO YEARS worth of automobile registration in MO) and you have to take a two-day pissant bike rider's safety course which costs $35 and gives you a license to ride a bike. The first cop that pulled me over cussed me out (which was outrageous) and then lectured me on how I had to get a license and register my bike and all this shit. I quit riding my bike. Fuck it. If they're going to bitch about me riding my bike, then fuck them, I'll drive my polluted ass car or ride the horrible gas guzzling bus. I'm not going to waste my precious energy trying to save the environment.

The police here are terrible. This state is a police state. This is what will happen if we have a socialist government. This is what will happen if we become like Europe. This is what will happen if the current administration has their ways. Fuck these assholes. To demonstrate that I just don't have bad luck, I know two other students who have been pulled over on their bicycles before, both for completely ludicrous things, and I know two people who have been pulled over while walking, one of them being extorted by the police in the process. He was a little tipsy and the cop told him that he had to call the cab company that she gave him or he'd go to jail. Well well well, maybe I'm a simple hick from a backwater town in Missouri, but that's what we call 'extortion' back home. The other guy was detained for like 4 hours because he 'looked like' a suspect in a robbery near there. They didn't believe him that he was a graduate student in chemistry just walking home and so kept questioning him. Finally they said "Oh yeah, well, if you're a grad student in chemistry, then maybe you can tell us a little about what you do." And he did. For over 90 minutes he drew diagrams, showed them his reactions, explained his chemistry, and generally made their eyes glaze over. They detained him for NINETY minutes--you'd think after about 5 they'd realize this guy wasn't bullshiting them. I mean, really, who the fuck can bullshit about hexadiamino-2,3-carboxyphenylesterase for 5 minutes much less 90? Nobody but a really nerdy chemist. So, instead of looking around for the real robber, they wasted over 4 hours of his time convinced that he was the robber. When he asked who they were looking for, they said "An average height guy wearing a blue Cal jacket." In case you didn't know, that describes about 80% of the male population on campus, or approximately 11,000 students. Good job, shitwits.

I now understand why the police got rid of their mounted units--they couldn't stand that their transportation was smarter than they were.

And, in honor of the dickfuck assbag police that harass students all over the campus, I reprint in all their glory, the lyrics to that NWA classic, Fuck tha Police.

Fuck tha police
Comin' straight from the underground
Young nigga got it bad cuz I'm brown
And not the other color so police think
They have the authority to kill a minority

Fuck that shit, cuz I ain't tha one
For a punk muthafucka with a badge and a gun
To be beatin' on, and throwin' in jail
We could go toe to toe in the middle of a cell

Fuckin' with me cuz I'm a teenager
With a little bit of gold and a pager
Searchin' my car, lookin for the product
Thinkin' every nigga is sellin' narcotics

You'd rather see me in the pen
Then me and Lorenzo rollin' in the Benzo
Beat tha police outta shape
And when I'm finished, bring the yellow tape
To tape off the scene of the slaughter
Still can't swallow bread and water

I don't know if they fags or what
Search a nigga down and grabbin his nuts
And on the other hand, without a gun they can't get none
But don't let it be a black and a white one
Cuz they slam ya down to the street top
Black police showin' out for the white cop

Ice Cube will swarm
On any muthafucka in a blue uniform
Just cuz I'm from the CPT, punk police are afraid of me
A young nigga on a warpath
And when I'm finished, it's gonna be a bloodbath
Of cops, dyin' in LA
Yo Dre, I got somethin to say

Fuck the police

Grad School

2006-02-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

Ever notice that 'Grad' is simply an anagram of 'Drag'? Sometimes grad school is a real drag. I'm not going to do too much bitching now, as my chemistry is kind of working and I don't want to jinx it, but I am tired of my sleep schedule being screwed up. I had to stay really late one night to get some things done before the reaction died so now I'm up at 6:47am, still up from the previous day because I have to reset my sleep schedule the hard way. I'm hoping it's not going to be too difficult. I can't seem to pull allnighters like I used to. I'd be very happy to have a regular schedule and a job where I didn't have to work 16 hours a day.

Whoever said that school is better than a real job is an idiot.

A New Blog

2006-02-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

In the case that you don't have enough ranting about Kalifornia from me, check out Damage_Control's new blog.

Recertification of the NAV System

2006-02-02T16:14:00.000-08:00

OK, this isn't really my post--this is one from a friend's blog many years earlier. It was unfortunately taken down, but in order to give background to some of my friends not in on the joke, here it is in its entirity.

The NAV System

There comes a time in a man's life when he feels the need to objectively rate women he sees based soley on looks. This satisfies his chauvanistic urge for the moment, until he sees another female and must repeat the process. Most rate on a scale from 1-10. Unfortunately, the female gender has caught on to this, and saying "4" or "8" can cause quite a lot of looks or maybe handslaps. Therfore, we must be creative and speak in code. Thus the NAV system.

The NAV system revolves around three anchor points: Woof (or Rolla), NAV, and PBJ. On this scale from 0-10, Woof (or Rolla) is a 1, NAV is a 5, and PBJ is a 9. NAV comes from 'nnnnnnnnah, average' being a 5. PBJ of course, is peanut butter and jelly, which is always finger-lickin' good. Woof, well, you should be able to figure that out. As a friend pointed out to me, Rolla may be substituted for Woof, as they are apparently the same thing.

The anchor points are modified by + and -, one point in each direction. Therefore, a +NAV would be a 6. A -PBJ would be a 8. These modifiers may be appended on either end and reflect the comliness of the specemin as seen from the front or the back. For instance, a +NAV- is a 6 coming and a 4 going. A +PBJ+ is a solid 10. A -Rolla-, well, we won't go there.

Several modifiers may be used if the instance warrants it, such as a --NAV-, which is a 3 coming and a 4 going. The closest anchor point should be used, however, so the proper usage would be: --NAV-, not ++Woof+++.

If for some reason both sides are unviewable, a question mark takes the place of the modifier. For instance, a specemin seen only from behind could be rated as: ?PBJ-.

This rating system will save many headaches, for when you turn to your friend and say "Plus NAV at 3 o'clock", you will most likely be saved the indignity of a slap.

So, there you have it, straight from game_master himself. Along with the R system, this has made for some interesting conversation and observations. Such as: "Wow, check out that -Woof R6!" We have come to the conclusion here that the R scale is inversely proportional to the NAV system. For instance, it is impossible to have a +PBJ+ R9. Just won't happen. Also won't happen that you have a -Woof- R0.

Incidently, there is a slight modification to the NAV system, just as there is with the R system. The BCF, or Berkeley Correction Factor. This is a slighly flexible number that lies between 1 and 2. Thus, a NAV here would at best be a -NAV- back in the United States.

Stomp your hands, clap your feet...

2006-01-28T21:07:00.000-08:00

Retardation can't be beat. Especially by these fuckoffs here in Berkeley. The retards out here are so voluminous that a friend and I decided that we needed a rating system. Another friend and I had already devised the NAV system for surreptitiously rating women on a scale from 1-10 as we passed them on the street, so we figured that this new system could follow the same lines. Although much simpler than the NAV system, it is described below in all its glory.

Retard Rating System^†

Suspects are visually examined for signs of retardation and rated on a scale from 0-10, 0 being not a retard, and 10 being the biggest retard of all time. Then you append an R in front of the number so that if you're talking about a girl she won't get the idea you're rating her looks. (This could be abysmal if you just walked by a completely retarded girl and gave her a high rating).

R0 - You are normal
R1 - You have very slight signs of being a retard
...
R5 - This is your average retard
...
R10 - You are Richard Simmons

^† - This does not describe those who are actually mentally handicapped--only those that act like them despite full mental capacity.

So, now that we have the rating system down, let's take a look at signs of retardation. Any one of these by itself probably isn't positive proof, but they add up quickly.

You might be a retard if...

You wear your pants down around your knees

Your hair is dyed an unnatural color

You have tattoos on your face

You have a piercing anywhere but your ears

Your pants are 8 sizes too big

Your hat is cocked at a 45° angle or more

You walk with your feet supenated

You let dogs lick your face

The word "California" appears anywhere on your drivers' license

You live in Kalifornia

You are offended by dirty jokes or swear words

You wear your sunglasses indoors

You walk everywhere with a cellphone stuck to your head

You drive an SUV

You ride a skateboard

Your clothes are tattered and multi-colored

Your hair is in dreadlocks

You are the president of the United States^‡

You use phrases like "Way cool", "Gnarly", "Whoa", or "Right on"

You regularly quote Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

You are German

You like German music

You are French

You like British cooking

You like Italian organization

You like German Police

You constantly stop in front of people while walking

You don't look before crossing the intersection

Your shoes are always untied

You don't shower regularly

Your name is that of a dog (Toby, Rex, etc.)

^‡- This automatically gives you an R10 classification

Now, there are some things on the list that give you an istant minimum. I, for instance, live in Kalifornia, and therefore at minimum must recieve an R2. If I move out of the state, I will lose one of those points. If I stay out of the state for more than 5 years and don't return, I gain my other point back and can go back to an R0. If you are German, your minimum is R4.

One last thing of note: the Kalifornia correction factor. It is noted that here in Kalifornia, we spot people two points. This means that someone who is an R2 in Wisconsin would be an R0 here. So far the average out here over the past week or so is R6.

M82A1 (52.5%)

2006-01-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

Hooray for Christmas money! Over halfway!

Letter of Derecommendation

2006-01-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I looked online at my grade for teaching this past semester. Usually, as a graduate student, teaching is an automatic A. If you do what is asked of you, like grading and showing up for your lab section, you get an A. If you did a great job, you'll definitely get an A.

I got a B+. I did all my grading. I was there on time for every grading session and lab period. I never shirked my work. When I went to talk to my professor about my grade, he told me that I did a great job with my students, that I recieved no complaints from anyone, and that I did a fantastic job this semester. I asked why I had recived a B+, and he told me it was because I had made some mistakes grading the final and because I "wasn't around" because of my commitments with the National Lab. He said that he understood about the national lab and that it wasn't my fault (all three times that I was gone, with his permission beforehand). My grading itself wasn't at fault, only his vague and incomprehensible answer key, which he admitted to. So, what did he do? He changed my grade to an A-. Thanks, dickhead. Now anyone who looks at my teaching grades will think that I shirked my work or that I came to class stoned, which is pretty much what you have to do to get an A- for teaching around here.

Rather than lambast him with my standard weblog prose, I thought I might write him a letter of recommendation. Here it is, with only his initials for his name. Another professor's name is omitted as well, although he is shit nuts, just for reference.

To whom it may concern:

AJ is a lecturer at the University of California-Berkeley. I had the displeasure of teaching for him over the past three years. I would sooner have my eyes gouged out with rusty sporks than teach for him ever again. His micro-managing of classroom activities stifles the graduate students’ freedom to teach, while his bungling and overtly condescending approach to the lecture material ensured that the undergraduates would leave Berkeley with a sub-standard education.
Aside from his voluminous passive-aggressive e-mails, his effiminate handwaving and self-aggrandizing name-dropping quelled all motivation and enthusasim that I had for teaching. Much of his lecture material is simply incorrect, and is always incoherent because of his Jackson Polluck approach to material organization. He has serious self-esteem issues and is nearly as insane as Dr. VH. His evaulation of his teaching assistants is completely egomanicial and utterly capricious, mostly to satisfy his sense of superiority.
It is with utter disdain and contempt that I recommend him to a miserable institution such as the state of California. The two whores deserve each other.

Kalifornians Suck

2005-12-03T14:38:00.000-08:00

Although this title is reminiscent of an earlier post, it does require some rehashing. Those inhabitants of this reasonably fair land (remember, the land doesn't suck) deserve another good verbal lashing, and that they shall soon recieve.

First, we shall start out with the adage that anything Kalifornians set out to do, they don't do right. On my journey to Sequoia National Park, I drove through some highly rural areas. These rural areas are much the same as the rest of the rural US--small towns, farms, two-laned roads, etc. They even have the same shot-up signs that most of the rural US has. There is a notable difference, though: wherever else you go in the rural US, the signs have tons of holes in them from being shot. Here in Kalifornia, the signs are simply dented. They're dented because someone shot them with a .22 LR. It's about the only round that won't penetrate a sign, and a BB gun or air rifle won't dent it. So, the Kalifornians can't even shoot up signs properly--they use .22s to do it, thus only denting the sign.

At this point, I must also speak to the roads in Kalifornia as a little aside. We shall now enter Entropy's Postulate, which says that when in Kalifornia, you are limited to 15 mph, whether due to the lay of the road or the traffic. We weren't proved wrong in Sequoia. The road there was so windy and twisty that I began to get motion sickness, and I have never done so before. The roads have a maximum speed of about 15 mph, sometimes less. While in the park, this isn't bad, considering you're going slow and looking at things, but on the highways it's terrible.

And now, for the grand finale and the story that got this rant started in the first place. Last night I was on my way to a rehearsal for a concert and happened upon a person lying on the ground. As I approached, I realized that there was one 80 year old woman lying on the ground and one of her 80 year old friends was with her. Apparently the woman lying on the ground had fallen and hit her head, cutting part of her scalp. Now, the amazing thing is that as I was approaching, I noticed at least 5 students keep on walking by as if nothing was happening. I immediately stopped, placing my tuxedo on the ground, and helped the woman sit up, giving her some napkins that I had brought with me for snacks at the concert. Another young man stopped, and we helped her to her feet, then took her to the faculty club, where she was destined for in the first place, and she got some help there. As it turns out, the other guy who stopped was from Michigan. While we were stopped there, at least 10 people walked by us as if we weren't even there. What the fuck? What's wrong with these people out here? See an elderly woman lying on the ground and you don't want to help? Fucking assholes. I'm surprised that no one walked on my tuxedo or didn't outright steal it while I was gone. People out here are inconsiderate assholes, rude, and never think outside themselves. Fuck them. I hate this place.

M82A1 (38.75%)

2005-12-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

Oh baby.

Sequoia National Park

2005-11-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving I went down to Sequoia National Park. Talk about amazing. You've heard how big these trees are, you've seen pictures on TV maybe, but you have no idea until you see them in person. I can tell you that these trees are up to 46' in diameter, weigh over 1500 tons, are around 275' tall, and have a circumference of over 100', but that really doesn't do them justice at all. Even a picture doesn't really do anything. You have to go see these trees for yourself.

It was an awe-inspiring trip to say the least. These trees are over 2000 years old, some close to 3000. Think about that. Think about what it means to have a tree that old, that big, right in front of you. You can walk up and touch many of them. When you walk through the groves of these giant trees, you can't help but have reverence for the trees. Walking through the Sequoias is like walking through consecrated ground.

The saddest thing is to see the pictures of the shitbags that logged the forest originally. Hundreds of these gorgeous trees and their cousins the redwoods have been logged and destroyed. Most of them, in fact. What collosal arrogance led us as humans to believe that we had any right to fell one of these giants? We are so insignificant compared to these trees. I guess it just goes to show that my original theory that the trees are better than people is completely correct.

M82A1 (26.25%)

2005-11-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

Over a quarter of the way there. I would say that I feel like I gangsta, but when was the last time you saw a gangster walking down the street with a 5.5', 35 lb. rifle?

Kalifornians Kannot Kommute

2005-11-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

My first year living here, I didn't have my car. I thought most people here couldn't drive for shit, but since I hadn't spent any time on the roads themselves, I couldn't really comment. Now that I've been driving for a year here, I must say, Kalifornia has the worst drivers I've ever seen. These people have their heads up their asses when it comes to operating a motor vehicle.

To be fair, not all of it is their fault. Their DMV is terrible, and the test to get a license is 25 questions, True/False. A retard could pass it by eating a crayon and drooling spots over a scantron form. You can take the test in Mandarin Chinese along with 4 or 5 other languages, even though all the signs are only in English. So, people are passed for something that they cannot possibly help but screw up.

Now, even for those that can drive, they get constantly screwed by the signs out here, or, more specifically, the lack thereof. Nothing out here is labeled properly. Get on the highway. No signs anywhere to tell you what highway you're on. The onramp for the 'freeway' simply says "Freeway" in most places. No idea what direction or even what highway you're getting on. Drive around Berkeley a little while and you'll see that practically none of the street corners are marked with signs, and those that are marked aren't marked consistently. They are black on white, white on purple, white on green, white on blue, white on brown, black on yellow, and probably a few other colors that I haven't seen yet. And they're never marked at the same place in the intersection. Some are on the right corner, some are on all 4 corners (rare), others are marked on an overhanging light pole (also rare), and some are marked at a 45 degree angle to the intersection, making them practically useless.

These considerations aside, the people here can't drive for shit. Many of the drivers here are timid; they are scared shitless to just drive. You can actually get a license out here in Kalifornia that will allow you to drive everywhere except the interstates. They should give more of them out if you ask me. But, back to the timid drivers. The first problem with the timidity here is that almost no one does the speed limit. You're thinking "Oh, well, I never do the speed limit, either! I always do 5-15 mph over the speed limit." That's nice. It's also not what happens here. Kalifornian drivers routinely do 15-20 mph UNDER the speed limit. Even at night, when there's no one else on the highway, EVERYONE in EVERY FUCKING LANE is doing 20 mph under the speed limit. I'm doing 65 in a 65 and blowing the doors off every car I drive past. It's unreal. People are heading down a large hill with a posted speed limit of 65, but once their speedometer reads 50, they hit their brakes. It drives me nuts. This place will never be like Chicago where everyone drives 3' off their neighbor's bumper at 80 mph.

The timidity of Kalifornian drivers also manifests itself in their inability to merge. People here are pigs. Stupid pigs. Most pigs are smarter. They will see a blinking sign telling them to merge, or come up on a place where one lane merges into another on the highway--and they will still wait until the last minute to merge. They won't even turn on their blinker until they're at the end of their lane. They will drive at full speed up to where the barrels or a solid curb force them over into the next lane, and then stop and turn on their blinker. That inevitably slows down traffic that was doing about 30 mph into a nearly dead stop as they have to admit some asshole who is at a dead stop in the next lane over. And the people at a dead stop will simply cut into traffic, causing accidents or people to have to slow down for them. I sometimes wish I could have a demolition derby car that I could just ram people with and drive off.

While merging may be an art form while driving, no matter how crude, lanes diverging is certainly not. Travelling south on I-80, it splits into 580 and 80 at the turnoff for San Fransisco. Here the interstate is 7 lanes wide. The last entrance ramp where people could merge in is over a mile behind this split. It's one of the few places that IS clearly marked in this state: the right 4 lanes go to I-80 / San Fransisco, and the left lanes go to I-580 / Oakland, etc. There are no merging lanes. The lanes do not widen or shrink. Yet, every time you drive this section of road, no matter what time of day it is, there is ALWAYS a major slowdown. There is no reason for this. No merging. No lane shrinkage. Signs are properly marked. You have over a mile to get into the correct lane. Once the split happens, traffic moves normally again. The only possible reason for this slowdown? People here can't drive for shit. They have no idea where they're going, so they slow down to think about it and to change lanes 12 times before the split.

So, how to solve the driving problems of Kalifornia? My simple suggestions:
1. Make all tests in English because that's what the signs are in.
2. Make the tests more difficult.
3. Force people to take a difficult driving test in order to get an interstate-capable license.
4. MARK THE FUCKING STREETS AROUND HERE WITH PROPER, CONSISTENT SIGNS.

When I move back to the midwest and become governor of one of my beloved states there, I will change the laws to read that anyone with a Kalifornia drivers' license must retake ALL driving tests in order to get a license in my fair state. Anyone on vacation driving on a Kalifornia license will be considered to be driving without a license as the Kalifornia drivers' license will not be recognized in my state.

M82A1 (16.25%)

2005-10-31T18:38:00.000-08:00

The new James Bond doesn't deserve one of these.

00Pussy: The New Bond

2005-10-30T13:24:00.000-08:00

Pierce Brosnan is being replaced as James Bond by Daniel Craig. A replacement is necessary after a while because Bond is supposed to be young. OK, fine. But can we please get someone who's not a pussy? The Bonds over the years: Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan. Sean Connery is by far the best: the most suave, the most dashing, and the most imposing. Pierce was a good second best. Then there's a large gap and we fall down to Roger Moore, who made Bond seem more like the tree stooges than an action movie. And Timothy Dalton, well, we're just not even going to go there--this blog does have its limits on being negative.

But who do they choose? Daniel Craig. Aside from being a blonde, he hates guns. WTF, a Bond who doesn't like guns? How can you play the role? A friend of mine had this to say about Daniel Craig:

"It is really funny that he hates the inanimate object - a gun - but has no problem getting payed to portray shooting people. He and Roger Moore are perfect examples of hypocrites, people who are willing to expand and export gun culture without actually taking part in it."

If you don't like guns, don't play Bond. It's not like Bond uses a manly gun anyway--he uses the Walther PPK in most of his movies, which is a .32 caliber pistol. Granted, Bond is British, but can't he carry a more kick-ass weapon? Let's look at Bond vs. Dirty Harry:

	James Bond	Dirty Harry
Gun:	Walther PPK	S&W Model 29-2
Barrel Length:	3.3"	6.5"
Caliber:	.32 Auto	.44 Magnum
Bullet Velocity	888 fps	1257 fps
Muzzle Energy	125 ft.-lbs.	1010 ft.-lbs.

So we can see, size does matter. Dirty Harry carries a manly gun. James Bond carries a pussy peashooter PPK pistol poorly. What can we conclude from this? That if the new James Bond can't even handle a little Walther PPK that's a pussy weapon in the first place, then he's probably not cut out to play the role of the rugged, womanizing, suave role that we've all come to know and love.

My advice to Daniel Craig: grow some balls, learn to use a gun and get something a little longer than 3.3"; also, get a gun with a longer barrel.

M82A1 (7.5%)

2005-10-18T23:56:00.000-07:00

For those of you that know me, you know what this is about, and are most likely excited because you'll get to play with my new toy when I finally get it. Since I'm saving up, I'll be periodically posting with this title to let you know the % of the way there that I am (in parenthesis after the object title).

Dave for President!

2005-10-09T15:20:00.000-07:00

Dave and I have been contemplating running for president/vice president once we are both of age, making us the big ticket in 2016. We'd both be 38, making us popular with the younger generation, as we'd be the youngest pair elected to office. We'd begin cleaning up the government one step at a time. Here's a spotlight of some of our campaign issues:

Abortion - Want one? Have one.

Privacy - The government would be prohibited from collecting biometric data on its own citizens. Warrants and subpoenas would be required for most everything--searches, wiretaps, inspections, etc. There would be no 'big brother' bullshit in our country.

Drugs - Drugs would be permitted if you were of age and the drugs didn't make you violent (i.e., PCP, crack, etc.) Stronger enforcement of DUI and other drug-induced crimes would be enforced, however. You would be held responsible for your actions.

Education - We would quadruple the money spent on education in this country, of all types, from primary schools and teachers' salaries to college scholarships. The cornerstone to keeping this country on top is educating our children. The more education we have, the less crime and the less wars we are likely to have in the future.

Defense - Where would we get the money for the education? By cutting the budget of the DoD in half, of course. There is no need for a $1 million missle that is going to blow up all its intricate parts. That is a million that should be spent on education so that we don't have to have a war in the first place. Without cutting soldiers' pay or manpower, we would do two things: 1. revert to dumb bombs--they're real cheap and we can easily drop 10 of them for every 1 smart bomb and still save 95-99% of the cost of a smart bomb. 2. Force the military to use warplanes that do not have to drop their live ordinance before landing (e.g., on a carrier, etc.). This is a waste of resources.

War - We would not go to war unless it was absolutely necessary--our children don't deserve to die in some shitty other country. And if we were forced to go to war, everyone would know we meant business. We wouldn't fuck around with this strategic bombing--we'd just level the entire area--because it's cheaper and our kids deserve that money for education so we can avoid this kind of crap in the first place. We'd also use special forces to their full extent--none of this sending ground troops in crap. Nope, just send in the Spec Ops to blow up the weapons depots and go home.

Guns - We'd repeal all the firearms laws in existance back to and including the National Firearms Act of 1934. There would be no prohibition on owning any type of firearm other than to make sure you're not a criminal, etc.

Gay Marriage - You're gay and want to get married? Get married. We're not going to discriminate based on gender preference.

Criminal Punishment - Our legal system needs to be overhauled in a big way. Criminals that download an MP3 can get as much time in jail as someone who robbed a bank. This is stupid. Violent crime should have a greater punishment than non-violent crime, unless the non-violent crime is extreme in magnitude--such as the corporate fraud of Enron and Arthur Andersen. The CEOs who screw thousands of people out of their retirement would be sent to share a cell with serial killers.

Capital Punishment - In its current incarnation, capital punishment is useless because it is monetarily biased. The poor who cannot afford lawyers get screwed. Capital punishment would only be available in cases where there was irrefutable evidence--DNA tests on unquestionable evidence, videotapes of the crime, etc. However, it would be expanded to pre-meditated murder, rape and child molestation.

So look for the 2016 ticket to clean up the USA.

A History of Violence

2005-10-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

I recently went to see A History of Violence. I was quite happy that it wasn't a mindless action flick, although the movie did have its problems. I enjoyed the portrayal of a typical midwestern small town life, but I had a few questions:

1. There are two sex scenes in the movie. They take up about 10 minutes of screen time. In a 90 minute movie, this is a lot of screen time. The first one is a little odd and probably longer than it needs to be. Why is one ninth of the entire movie devoted to this?

2. Two 'bad guys' at the beginning of the movie are travelling around on a crime spree, then get stopped by Viggo Mortensen. These characters are very shallow, other than to be completely villanized through their actions, and it is never said where they fit into the movie or what their motivations are other than to be 'bad guys' for Viggo to stop. What was their purpose?

3. In the movie, Viggo lives on a small farm in Indiana. He only has one double barrel shotgun in his house. The question is this: what the fuck? How many farmers do you know that have only ONE gun in their house? No one. They all have a shotgun and a rifle at minimum, most of the time, multiple firearms of various types. Most farmers have a .22 rifle, a couple of shotguns and a couple of hunting rifles. Some even have some handguns for plinking. It was a little unrealistic to see this farmer so poorly armed.

4. The last question will contain a spoiler, so if you don't want the movie partially ruined, skip this paragraph. The last question is this: if Viggo was the bad man before, why the hell did he not expect these people to come after him? Why was he not better prepared? Shit, I'd have taken some machineguns or something from my previous life to hide away in the attic in case someone came after me.

Overall, it was an interesing movie that I'll probably see again once it comes out on video just to try and understand more of it.

Strange Things and Weirdos VII

2005-09-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

Today has seen perhaps the strangest Berkeley occurrances that I have ever witnessed. It began early.

I received a call at 8:30am this morning from the national lab, telling me that they were working on getting my fellowship together but some paperwork was holding them up at the university. They asked me to check with the administration at the university about payment, etc.

This was pretty incredible: someone in the administration department was going out of their way to track down my problems and get them resolved.

I went into the administration offices and got a normal occurrance: the person I was supposed to talk to was not there. I came back 15 minutes later, and there she was. I braced myself for ignorant run-around, rudeness, and/or complete lack of brains. The next strange thing hit me then: the adminstrator in charge of the graduate fellowships was nice and very polite. She explained to me what I needed to do, and asked if there was a contact number for the administration at the national lab. I told her the name of the contact, but told her I needed to go look up the phone number and that I'd bring it back down.

I had to run to class, so I went to class, then retrieved the contact number for the national lab. I was about to run it downstairs to the administration offices when I got a call--from the national lab. Apparently, the administration official downstairs had looked up the number for the contact person on her own. I couldn't believe it. The system was working for me. This was definitely weird.

The national lab told me that they had already spoken to the administration at the school and they had everything worked out. I was stunned. I haven't had this much ease in dealing with the department since... ever. Everything with this department is an uphill battle, even if I'm trying to pay them for something. I dread going down to the fourth floor where the administration offices are kept. Walking into the administration offices on the fourth floor is like being a naked 10-year old boy walking through a NAMBLA convention--you know you're going to get fucked. But not today. I don't know what happened, but everyone was nice. They were helpful. They knew what they were talking about. I'm a little creeped out by it all, even though everything has been good. I'm waiting for the bubble to burst, waiting for everything to come crashing down around me in pieces; maybe they won't pay me for 6 months; maybe they'll forget to deduct tax and I'll owe $3000 at the end of the year; maybe they'll mix up my social security with an INS number and when I try to walk past the big men with machine guns at the gate, they'll grind my face into the pavement thinking that I'm Rico the Columbian drug runner.

If all goes as planned and I am not confused with an illegal immigrant, I will start at the national lab on Monday. Then you all will get to talk to the nice men from one of those alphabet agencies sometime soon.

This is by far the strangest day that I have had here yet.

Strange Things and Weirdos VI

2005-09-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

On campus there is a night ride shuttle system that will take you from campus to your door within a limited service range after it gets dark. It's a fantastic service and probably has saved the university thousands of dollars in lawsuits because of the crimes against the students that would otherwise be comitted. I got on tonight at 9pm to go home. I expected to have Habib, some middle eastern or indian guy whose name I don't know and who is incredibly difficult to talk to. He's the worst driver, unfriendly, and isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. He's also a driving instructor in his home country.

Fortunately, I got Duane, the awesome driver that used to drive Habib's route before they got switched. Duane's awesome, friendly, lives in downtown Oakland and drives like it (meaning the bus does about 105 and I get home early). He also takes me all the way to my door, which lies a little outside the service area, a nice thing considering I don't live in the best area of town. So, I get on and there's an older lady on the bus who's talking with him. He's friendly, so he asks if I know her, and I say no, and he in introduces us. She's a librarian from the bay area working at the university, and he says that I'm from St. Louis.

Ann Marie, the librarian, looks like someone who would live in North Berkeley, but I give her the benefit of the doubt considering that she is actually talking with Duane and not being a bitch. She's about 60, has poorly overdone makeup, and is wearing a tweed jacket that doesn't match her sweater or pants. She starts talking about how much she loved St. Louis when she was there, so I figured she just had no fashion sense. The conversation began normally enough.

"My friends and I went to the arch and then to St. Louis university, one of the old buildings there, and we went up to the roof and watched the thunderstorms blow in. I've never seen storms like that before, it was amazing."

"Yeah, the thunderstorms are great. I love the summer when you can see them roll in from miles away."

"Oh yes, I liked watching them roll in over the Gulf of Mexico."

"Um."

"Yes, it was great, those storms would roll in right over the ocean."

"I'm from St. Louis, Missouri, not St. Louis, Louisana." (There is a St. Louis, LA)

"Yes, that's where I was at! The storms coming in over the gulf were amazing."

"Um. The gulf is around 600 miles away."

"Well, you can see the storms coming in."

"Uh-huh."

"St. Louis is a nice place, but too hot in the summer. Very damp in the winter, though."

"You mean freezing and icy?"

"Very damp and wet in the winter there. Rains a lot."

Thank god it was time for me to get off the bus at this point. I said bye to Duane and waved politely at the woman. For anyone reading this blog who has never been to the Midwest, our summers are hot, it is true. But our winters are not damp. They are not wet. They are incredibly dry and super-fucking cold. There is no 'wet and damp' like it's a costal area; it doesn't rain. It snows and ices, and there's a bitter wind. You also cannot see the Gulf of Mexico. No way, no how. Visual range on the ocean is 25 miles due to the curvature of the earth. Inland 50 miles, much less 600 miles away in St. Louis, there is no way that you could possibly see the Gulf of Mexico unless you are watching TV. There is a reason that Katrina didn't do any damage to St. Louis, Missouri. That is because St. Louis, Missouri is NOT ON THE FUCKING GULF OF MEXCIO. If she hadn't said that the went to the arch and to St. Louis U, I would have thought she was talking about a different town.

Kalifornia is a different country. Berkeley is a different planet.

Bush Appauled at Katrina's Interruption

2005-09-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

04 Sep 2005 16:21:34 GMT
Source: Reuters

President Bush was fuming today after being interrupted at work from more reports of the aftermath of Katrina and pleas for survivor's help. "This whole thing is blown way out of proportion. Only niggers and poor fucks are dying down there. All the whities got out before the storm hit." The president was particularly annoyed when the reports first started rolling in on August 29th because it interrupted his private time with Karl Rove. "It's a damn shame when Turd Blossom can't even finish giving me a blowjob." The president met questions of Rove's fellatio with a grim face and silence.

Citizens of New Orleans, LA and Biloxi, MS are wondering why they were sucked into voting Republican at the last election. Says Dan Brown, a New Orleans resident "Them bastards don't give a shit 'bout us. Bush flew by in a Army helicopter waving at everyone and screaming on a bullhorn 'You are gonna be saved. The Republicans are helping you', but it was all bull. Where's all the winning lotto picks that the Repbulicans promised us last November? They all liars."

The situation in some areas of the flooded New Orleans are so desperate that residents have taken to defending their homes and property with lethal force. Looters run rampant, murders and rapes occur with regularity in this anarchy enveloping the town. Ted Egret owned a shop in downtown New Orleans and decided to stay. He explains his choice: "Well, after I's seed the riotin' in LA in that earthquake in '89, I figgered that we's gonna have us our share o' lootin' heres too, so I loaded me the shotgun and waited up on the roof. Got two o' them bastards and a fair-sized trout last night."

Scott McClelan, the White House spokesman, commented on the citizens defending themselves. "While it is admirable that our citizens are taking it upon themselves to kill some of the poor and the black people in Louisana, we are sending the National Guard in to do this instead. We don't believe that citizens need to own firearms, and would like to take this opportunity to relieve those in New Orleans of any weapons they may have. Only the national guard and the government should have firearms, because they are absolutely not necessary. I think we have proved such trivial rights like this are unnecessary; no one misses their rights to privacy, free speech, or unreasonable search and seizure, and those have been gone since the Patriot Act took effect in 2001."

With the rescue effort in full swing, President Bush took the time to comment on his administration's work to alleviate the suffering. "Americans don't put up with this kind of thing. We will find this Katrina bitch and detain her without trial until we can cook up some charges that make terrorism look like a dog pissing in a yard." No one is sure what the president's analogy is supposed to refer to.

Strange Things and Weirdos V

2005-07-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today has been strange. Not any one particular event, but a lot of little things. After reading this, think of the chances of these events, or even just a few of them, happening in one of your days.

It began with a strange dream about my neighbor back home having the baby-blue frame of a 1971 Nova in his living room. After I woke up, the following has happened:

- A street musician turned his guitar upside down to shake a joint out of it.

- A homeless man in Barnes and Noble walked up to me and said 'Hey Chico, good to see you again'. When I replied 'Good to see you, too', he nodded and said 'Have a good day' and left.

- A 10 year old boy kicked a basketball over a house.

- I made an accidental turn because of poor sign markings, drove the wrong way down a one way street, ran a red light, made an illegal right hand turn, and somehow wound up going the right way on a street.

- I bought a homeless man a blue gumball.

- A man in a $70,000 BMW sport utility vehicle was commenting to his girlfriend how nice my car was in all seriousness, talking about the square quarterpanels, etc. My car is an '89 chevy caprice with a bad paint job, no hubcaps, dents and rust.

I am waiting to see what else is going to happen before I go to bed.

Blockade Pakistan

2005-07-30T22:58:00.000-07:00

What a great article. This Pakistani journalist tells some great truths. We pretend Pakistan is one of our friends, when really, they are comforting the enemy more than our 'drug use', anti-repbulican bumper stickers and Doonesbury cartoons do. Seriously, they are a large part of the problem, not this crap at home. Want to know how to make Musharaff (too lazy to look up the spelling of his name because I don't care) actually crack down on the terrorists? Don't bomb him--cut his ass off from the rest of the world. Place a trade embargo on the country--and use our muscle in NATO and the UN to stick. Shut down his harbors, close his borders, and shoot down any vehicles entering or exiting the country. I don't give a shit if it's the Red Cross--tell them and Greenpeace that this country is a no-travel zone and if you go in you die. You'll see how goddamn fast he cracks down on terrorist assholes in his country--because if he doesn't he and his people will die from lack of food and medical treatment. We really shouldn't in the middle east at all anyway, but we don't need to be fighting their fucking wars for them. Let them blow each other up and clean up their own terrorist problems--or force them to. Ideally we would just operate covertly in their country with or without their permission, killing terrorists and blowing up their training camps, and then leaving. Don't trade with them, don't sell them cars, and don't fucking give nuclear technology to any of the fuckers over there, including India. Quit sending our jobs there, quit giving them money, and let them deal with their own shit. We always have Korea, Taiwan and Malaysia to make our cheap shit.

Police State

2005-07-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

This is actually a serious post.

First, we get the Patriot Act, a horrible piece of legislation which is nothing more than overpowering the government in the form of handwaving that's supposed to be security. Then we get the national ID card system. Now we are getting Patriot Act II. This crap will never stop. Beginning with the formation of the country's legislature, we as citizens have continually lost more freedoms. I would rather live in a free country than a police state, and I can hardly believe that the US is becoming the very thing that our cold war enemy once was--a police state. The whole point of being free is to be able to do what you want to do and not be afraid of police retribution. The democrats are using 9/11 to curtail firearms, the republicans are using it to curtail freedom of speech. Both are working to ensure a police state. We are going about this security issue the wrong way. Our approach is terribly Machivellian, though given enough time, it will work--100% of our freedom will be protected, because we will not have any freedoms left, and 100% of 0 is still 0.

The government is using the London bombings to instill fear in the public and allow themselves to have their freedoms stripped of them. How much are we willing to endure? When will we roll over and become like Europe? Soon only the criminals will be free here--and because they don't use libraries legally, have cash transactions, and are generally untraceable, they will truly be free, while the rest of the citizens are held hostage by the government. We are slowly becoming guilty until proven innocent--and good luck when you're up against the bankroll of the federal government.

I could bitch about the mistakes of our government, like the Iraq war, giving India nuclear technology, etc., but the bottom line is that these decisions have been made and our security still sucks. Our only way to have security is to have our citizens be more aware--train people to spot things out of place and have a police team be able to respond quickly to a situation. Cameras and other computer data are OK to trace suspects after the deed is done, but what about prevention? Why do we not have a Homeland Security Department that inspects chemical and nuclear plants, enforcing strict security standards and training their personnel? Why is not TSA on subways educating riders as to what is suspicious and whom to call if they see one? Why don't we have security experts analyzing the way our food is transported, or how our water supply could be contaminated? This is real security, not this bullshit about taking toenail clippers and scissors on a plane.

My suggestions to the administration:

1. Repeal the entire Patriot act. If we want to have anything left to protect, the right to privacy and freedom of speech are up there. This curtails these freedoms with roving wire taps, 'sneak and peek' searches and non-judicial subpoenas. These may sound like good ideas to track terrorists until you realize that terrorists won't respond to subpoenas, probably use pay phones at random which make wire taps impossible, and are probably well hidden enough that a sneak and peek search won't find them.

2. Get rid of this idiotic national ID card system. We are not Nazi Germany. We are not Europe and should never aspire to be. Our citizens should be free to walk around with NO ID if they chose, and what they do have should never have any biometric data on it. The storage of biometric data in a federal database is an irreversible identity theft crisis waiting to happen.

3. Get our homeland security to educating the public about suspicious activity. Have the DHS inspect high-rish facilities, and make sure the security applies equally. Yes, it will cost everyone more, but it will be cheaper in the long run and a lot cheaper than the cost of one problem later.

4. Tell people to go out in defiance of the terrorists and keep life going as normal--if our lifestyle isn't interrupted by the terrorists, then they are less likely to attack again because their attacks are meaningless. It may seem heartless to go out again and ride mass transit, but it is truly patriotic.

5. The terrorists have already won round 1. We suffered horribly economically because of fear of flying, fear of bombings, and loss of freedoms. Don't let them win round 2 by further suppressing our freedoms through our own overzealous government. Govern smarter, not more. Pass fewer laws that are better thought out. This partisan bickering is ridiculous and detrimental to our nation. It will be the undoing of this government.

The fewer and fewer freedoms we have the more we move toward a police state. I will not live in a police state. I only pray that when the time comes the American people will stop their retreat under government oppression and hear the words of Thomas Jefferson that 229 years ago brought this country into being:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Mein Kampf with the Germans

2005-07-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I don't know why I try with the Germans in our lab. We had two that were fine--they're more of the cosmopolitan Europeans than Germans. The rest of them are a bunch of pre-WWII hard headed krauts. They won't listen to you for shit. I saw one of them was running this reaction with a lamp today, a UV reaction that requires an ultraviolet lamp to blast a reaction mixture with light for a few hours. This lamp is really fucking loud because it was ordered by one of our previous krauts, who saved $3 by having the lamp be made air cooled instead of water cooled, so the air makes this awful racket--it's literally at the threshold of pain because of volume if you're in the same room with it. Anyway, I saw this lamp blasting away and asked the German using it if his reaction flask was quartz or Pyrex. He said Pyrex, but that it didn't make any difference for his reaction because it didn't need any specific wavelength of light and the lamp produced all wavelengths. I told him that Pyrex flasks absorb a large amount of the light, like 60-90% across the spectrum, and that he could probably cut his reaction time down 3-4 times if he used quartz (and thus annoy us less by cutting his 5 hour reaction time with the loud ass lamp down to 1-2). He said that it made no difference because the lamp produced all wavelengths. I told him again that it didn't matter what the wavelength was, that quartz was more efficient at transmitting UV light. He said no, it didn't make any difference, and that he had done an experiment using quartz cuvettes and it wouldn't have turned out any differently than if he had used Pyrex cuvettes. I asked if he had tried this experiment with Pyrex cuvettes, and he said no. Then he said that no one made Pyrex cuvettes. Hmm. Maybe there's a reason no one uses Pyrex cuvettes.... could it be that it DOESN'T FUCKING TRANSMIT UV LIGHT? No, that couldn't be it. So, I could see that he wasn't going to listen at all, and simply walked away with him still regailing me about the lamp producing all wavelengths of light, etc.

The Germans have to be right, all the time. They can never be wrong, and they can't do anything in a a way other than their own, because it would be wrong. No wonder they lost WWII.

Computers

2005-07-18T00:19:00.000-07:00

Until this past week, I have only had one problem with Apple hardware since I bought my first Mac in 1991. That's a pretty good track record in the way of computers. My first problem was with a PowerPC's hard drive. It was a second hand computer, and the HD was pretty old, like 1995, I think. It started to go bad and constantly screwed up the system when it was installed. I didn't worry about it much as I wasn't running Mac OS on that computer at the time anyway.

My second problem was highly irritating because it happened on my new dual proc G4. This is a computer that I bought new in 2003, and it was pretty damn expensive. Last week I put a CD in and it didn't read. I thought that was strange, but didn't think too much of it because it was a burned CD, and sometimes those things die. I tried a pressed CD. Nothing. Then another. Nothing. I tried 3 burned CDs and about 8 pressed ones, audio and data both, and nothing. It didn't sound like the drive was spinning up at all. I futzed around with it, looked at buying new drives, and finally got time to disassemble the drive tonight.

Yes, I broke the tape that says 'voids warranty if seal is broken' and opened it up anyway. My attitude is that since the warranty has expired, I'm going to have to buy a new drive anyway, WTF is the difference if I destroy a drive in the process? It's not doing me any good now.

I tore this thing apart--literally. I had to go get tools from the toolbox in the trunk of my car, and this thing was outfitted with a gazillion different kinds of torx and allen screws of all different sizes. Fortunately, after a lot of cajoling, I got it apart. I looked at the thing, moved the laser back and forth some, and tried spinning the spinner for the CD. It wouldn't budge. I finally got it to spin again, but it was like something was dragging under it. I figured it was stuck with dust and crap since there was a lot of dust in it. I spun it around a bunch until it spun freely, then reassembled and closed the thing back up.

I had no expectations that this thing would ever work again. I figured some circutry was fried. But lo and behold, I popped a CD in, and it fired right up. Strange as hell. I guess I'll just have to take the damn thing apart every time I want to use it.

I am dissapointed with Apple, though. This drive should last a long time, but they cheaped out around the turn of the millenia on hardware, and it pisses me off. Instead of cheaping out and passing the savings along to the consumer like the IBM-compatible market does, they cheaped out and kept charging outrageous fees. At least they have a decent OS now, but where is their excellent hardware? What happened to ultra-wide SCSI? Now it's all cheap shit and it's still expensive. Bastards. For the price you pay, they should have a lifetime labor and parts warranty built in.

Strange Things and Weirdos IV

2005-07-08T23:28:00.000-07:00

The good old bus. The busses around here never seem to run on any particular schedule. I learned that early, so I chose a bus route that had a bus that came every 15 minutes so that I theoretically didn't have to wait more than 15 minutes for a bus. It's been pretty successful. But I still wonder sometimes why these busses are late. Aside from the fact that they're probably on fire somewhere waiting eternally for the Berkeley FD to come put them out, what else could it be? Well, I got a glimpse as to why this bus system is so fucked up here.

Tonight I went to the bus stop to wait for my bus, but there was another already there, with the lights flashing, like it was broken down. I figured it was a mechanical failure. This would be normal. I saw the driver standing outside the bus waving at something. Was she waving down another driver? No. She was waving at a bug. The bus had stopped because there was a bug in it. Al Qaida doesn't need bombs to bring our mass transit to a halt, they only need s single insect that weighs less than 3 grams. I don't even think that they're illegal to posess in most states (although they may be considered a deadly weapon in Kalifornia). I asked her if it was a wasp, thinking that perhaps she was highly allergic to its sting, which would be bad for all the passengers involved if she went into shock. She said "Yeah, or somethin'. It's buzzin' in my ear!" Obviously, it wasn't at the time, because she was outside the bus and it was inside. Bear in mind, it's dark outside, and the bus is well lit inside, and she's got the door open trying to get it out. I advised her that she should turn out the interior bus lights so that it wouldn't be attracted to the lights in the bus and also to keep further insects out. Eventually she built up enough courage to run in and quickly turn out the interior lights. I guess this helped somewhat, but the interior lights stayed on by the drivers door, which is where the bug was to begin with, so it was a moot point. Not to mention that, but it was the brightest light in the area and right by the open door: a bug attractor.

At this point, I noted the time: 8:45pm, PST. This wasn't my bus, but another one that only runs on the hour this late at night--which meant one of two things: this bus wasn't on schedule at all or she had been parked here for 45 minutes trying to remove the offending insect. Considering that there were no passengers on the bus I concluded that the 45 minute scenario was more likely because: a. any passengers that were there would have walked away by now and b. this was the reason that the bus' schedule was so fucked up to begin with.

I took a closer look inside the bus at the insect, expecting this insidious, deadly black and yellow hornet by this time, only to be stunned at the discovery of the insect the driver was swatting at: a moth. The AC Transit bus service had been delayed 45 minutes because of a moth. Yes, a moth. And it would no doubt be delayed countless more minutes because several others were destined to join it in the bright paradise of the fluorescent interior lights of the bus.

While the driver was not allergic to the moth (as I know no one who is allergic to moths), I must say that I think I have developed an allergy to the stupidity of the people out here.

Welcome Back to Kalifornia

2005-07-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

After a wonderful few days back in the United States over this 4th of July, I had to come back here to the land that God turned a blind eye to when populating the universe. The flight was fine, and it seemed everything was going to be OK--I was standing at the luggage carousel when it happened: a welcome back to this place. Along with the rest of the people on my flight, I was standing in front of the luggage carousel waiting for my luggage to come up, when this kid (I do not know if it was male or female) pushed me aside saying "Excuse me!" in a rude and irritated tone quite loudly while barging ahead to the carousel. I figured he was after his luggage. Nope. He just wanted to get to the carousel. He (and that is just an assumption) was wearing a dirty nylon neon-green dog collar, listening to an iPod so loudly I could hear his death metal, and playing air guitar as he was looking for his baggage. His bag finally comes out, and he pulls it--but he doesn't drop it behind him--he drops it directly in front of me, almost on my toes, between me and the carousel as if I don't exist. His next bag comes, and he places this in front of the girl to my left. The girl and I looked at each other like "What's wrong with this guy?" but we both knew he was just a fuck-up. Anyway, this guy is still in my way, playing air-guitar, and his luggage was in my way when my bag comes out of that black hole where the airlines keep your luggage. I couldn't reach it over this guy's gym bag and he wasn't polite enough to keep his baggage out of the way, so I stood on his gym bag, first with one foot, and then, even though I could reach with just one foot on his bag, I stood on it with both feet just to piss him off. Unfortunately, he was a native, and it didn't bother him much. I thought about jumping up and down on it, but that was a bit much. He turned around and started yelling to someone (trying to talk but ignorant that he was yelling because of his earphones) and blocked my way through the masses with his big ass backpack and suitcases he had. So I plowed my way through him, giving him a good hard shoulder-check as I left. Nearly knocked him over, and I said "Excuse me!" in the same tone as he gave to me and loud enough that he could hear me over his headphones. Probably should be nicer, but I tried that for a while here. You just get walked on. Fuck it. I'll be nice back in the US, not in this hell hole.

Correct my Paper

2005-06-28T15:24:00.000-07:00

When I was in 9th grade, we had an assigned problem set from our book to do. We were doing problems with physics, and we had one question about kinetic energy. Without giving us any numbers, the book asked us "Which has more kinetic energy, a battleship moving at full speed or a bullet being fired?" Aside from the semantic arguments you could make about the bullet not moving since it was 'being' fired, it is an interesting question. It was supposed to make you think about how velocity is squared in the kinetic energy equation ( KE = (m * V²)/2 ) and thus if two things have the same product of mass and velocity the one moving faster will have greater kinetic energy. However, I thought about this, and though the bullet is moving much faster, it is exceedingly lighter. I think the publisher didn't realize just how much a battleship weighs. So, I put down the battleship, knowing that the gross displacement of the USS Missouri is over 50,000 tons. I got my paper back, and found that it was marked wrong. I looked it over, then talked to the teacher. She showed me the answer in the book, and sure enough, it said that since the bullet was moving faster, it had greater kinetic energy despite its lower weight. I argued for a minute, but then gave up, as my teacher was only as smart as the book. This was before the heyday of the internet, so I didn't have ready access to the facts and figures necessary to calculate this sort of thing. This was just a gut feeling I had, that the Missouri at top speed had more kinetic energy than a bullet.

Today, I do have internet access. This question arose in my head this afternoon and I decided to put a 12 year old question to rest.

First, since we are assuming the use of the USS Missouri, an Iowa class battleship (the largest of the US fleet), we must assume that we are talking about a rifle bullet, not some wimpy handgun round. We will further assume that we're not talking about some light and slow subsonic .22LR round, but rather about a rifle with some punch, the .308 Winchester round. Further, we will also compare to the most powerful commercial round on the market, the .50 BMG.

First, we take a look at the kinetic energy of the .308 Winchester round. The bullet weights vary from 110 grains to 190 grains for the most part. The muzzle velocity on these is 3100 ft/s and 2395 ft/s, respectively. Converting to SI units and keeping in mind significant figures, we come up with a kinetic energy of 3170 J for the 110 grain bullet and 3197 J for the 190 grain bullet. Already, the velocity conception of the book's problem is falling flat, as the weight difference between bullets is outweighing the velocity.

Second, we look at the .50 BMG. This is a little more exciting. With a bullet weight of about 662 grains and a velocity of 2912 ft/s, we come up with 16,954 J of kinetic energy at the muzzle. I was impressed by this.

Then I went to www.ussmissouri.com and looked up the ship's details. It can do about 35 knots (highest declassified speed--it could probably do 37 or 40 knots) when fully loaded. Since we're comparing to the .50 BMG, we'll assume the ship is fully loaded. The ship, fully loaded, weighs 53,000,000 kg. Yes, that's right, fifty-three million kilos. Right here I was already thinking that we're orders of magnitude above the bullets, but I kept going anyway. After converting to proper units and calculating the kinetic energy, it comes out to 8,586,000,000 J. Eight point six billion joules. No shit. Hmm. Let's see... the physical science book I studied from was only wrong by five orders of magnitude.

If someone asked you where your house was, and you told them "On the moon", even at its apogee (farthest distance) from Earth, you would still be correct according to my 9th grade physical science book. I think I deserve a point back for that one.

Supreme Court Shits on Citizens; Wipes Ass With Constitution

2005-06-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

I had been rather pleasantly surprised with the supreme court as of late. They had done some really wonderful things like strike down parts of the Patriot Act and eviscerate some of the Bush Administration's other unconstitutional laws. Today, however, they pulled the biggest boner of all: they fucked over the citizens of the US in favor of corporations.

Yes, that's right: they said that it is legal for state and local governments to declare emminent domain on practically anything. They said that it is OK for the government to seize private property for economic development because that is in the public interest. Wait. Isn't that the same bullshit trickle-down Reganomics theory that we've heard before? Well, it isn't the conservatives voting for it this time: it's the liberals. That blew me away. Aren't they concerned with people's rights? Do they want us to be like western europe and roll over for the government? I read online that California is already moving to tear down a church to put up a Costco. That is complete and utter horseshit.

What about life, liberty and ther pursuit of happiness? I bet you won't be very happy if the government takes away the house you've been living in for 80 years and puts up a McDonalds. And what kind of liberty is that? You have the freedom to live wherever you want, except for when the government decides that you can't live there anymore. My visceral reaction to this would be to sit in my house that is about to be torn down and shoot at whoever is trying to destroy it. This is a bad idea, though, since shooting construction workers and cops doesn't get anyone anywhere. One of my friends and I were discussing this today, and he had a brilliant idea: move out, let the government tear down your house. Let them build up whatever commercial crap they wanted. Wait until it's finished and stocked with merchandise. Then torch it.

Arson. The ancient solution that has been practiced since humans discovered fire. If you wait until late enough at night, no one will be in the store, and you are truly hitting the ones that deserve it: the corporations. Yes, all their merchandise is probably insured, but it's expensive for them to deal with the insurance agency, and they're going to lose a lot of revenue when they can't keep the store open because it's been burned to a crisp. Then, once they rebuild, BURN IT AGAIN! That's so awesome. If you're good, too, you can throw caltrops all over the parking lot to keep the firetrucks from putting out the blaze. Although it might take some work, it would be worth it to refit the fire hydrants in the area with fake ones that contained pressurized gasoline! That would make for an exciting evening at the new WalMart that used to be your house. If you torch these buildings often enough, you might even be able to either run the company out of business or make it so unattractive for development that you can rebuy the land cheaply and rebuild.

Revenge is sweet. While some may say is is a dish best served cold, I say it is a dish best served flambe.

ETS - Euphamism for Total Shit

2005-06-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, you get days where nothing goes right. Today is one of those days. My sleep schedule is completely fucked up, I can't seem to eat right, and I've been dealing with the enfuriating paperwork that ensues when applying for a graduate fellowship. Each rung you go on the academic ladder means one more transcript to send and one more institution to deal with. Berkeley, needless to say, is one of the more expensive and inane ones. The worst, howver, by far, is ETS, the assholes who administer the SATs and GREs. Those people should all be killed. The have two options for reporting test scores: 1. You call their number, which costs $6 per call (and I have been cut off before, forcing me to call back) and you have to enter a bunch of shit over the phone, which you inevitably mess up and have to re-enter, and then you get the worst--the goddamn worthless fucking $15 fee PER INSTITUTION YOU WANT THE SCORES SENT TO. The amazing thing is that you have to have an institution code to have your scores sent there. If you call, it takes at least 10 working days to process your order, which is absolutely ridiculous. They must employ only three monkeys to process orders, all of which live chained together in a warehouse in Miami and are paid only in cigarettes. The best part is that if your institution doesn't have a code and is still an 'authorized recipient' of the GRE scores, then you have to use mail, which takes even longer. Not to mention that, but by some strange happenstance, if your institution isn't authorized to see your scores, then they don't send them, don't tell you, and don't bother to give you your money back. NO REFUNDS is written on the bottom of their form. Hmm. Maybe they could make it more inconvenient by making it a 900 number where you pay by the minute, too. No, that's still less expensive than cutting you off and charging you $6 each time you have to call back.

I hope the keeper of the ETS monkeys is reading this. Everyone involved in ETS, with the exception of the poor enslaved monkeys, is a mother-fucking, ball-washing, puss-nuts, pencil-dicked, ass-eating, goat-humping, pig-raping son of a bitch. There. I've now said my peace.

Strange Things and Weirdos III

2005-06-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

While the crosswalk zen master isn't at the crosswalk anymore, I did see something today on one of the main roads that just made me shake my head. There was the dude who is missing his legs who gets around by pushing himself around on a skateboard; there's the 50ish woman who wears leggings reaching up to her knees made out of old blue jeans while she's wearing shorts; there's always the homeless people trying to sell you newspapers; and there's countless strange people with ridiculous colored hair. None of these things makes me shake my head. But the handicapped security guard did.

First, let's consider this: Mercantile Bank (or whoever) hires a man in a wheelchair to be a security guard. Honestly, it's probably a pretty decent job for a guy in a wheelchair--you just sit around all day anyway, why not get paid to do it while watching out for a store? Well, if he gets rowdy people that he needs to throw out, it will be tough, or if he needs to foil a robbery, he's not going to be able to beat someone up, but you know what? That's what guns were made for. I don't care if you're a cripple in wheelchair, as long as you can aim and fire a gun, you do just as much damage with the gun as our Governator who's much stronger. My thought is to give the cripple a gun, and let him do his job. Except that this guy is a rent-a-cop type security who doesn't have a gun. What does he have? No, not mace, not a baton, but a radio. Good. Just what we need, a cripple with a radio guarding a bank. Probably in the interest of not scaring people by having a firearm present at the bank, we have a useless security guard. The sad thing is, this poor guy is basically a target. If someone walks in armed, what is he going to do? Call for help? Ask the robber to pick up his radio if he drops it? As soon as he uses his radio, he gets shot. Ooops. Guess you should have been wheeling yourself out of the way while calling in the crime... but wait, that would require three hands--two to wheel yourself around, one to put the call in. Maybe if they got him a Little Rascal. What would calling someone accomplish? He'd probably get shot, especially if he was on a electric scooter, just because the robbers wanted something stupid-looking to shoot at. Jesus, give this guy a goddamn shotgun. Betcha you won't have a bank robber fucking with a cripple in a wheelchair when he's got a loaded 12 gauge.

This whole town is made for handicapped people, but they don't give the handicapped people the tools to do their job properly, or they give them a job they can't do. They are treated as equals. Guess what? They're not. They're missing legs, or arms, or whatever, and they can't function normally. Give them what they need to do their job or don't ask them to do something they can't accomplish. There's no point to asking a quadropolegic to be a fucking dock hand. Have the guy do some computer work or something.

This town is positively insane. Equal rights are for everyone. Equal responsibilities are for idiots. Responsibilities should be based on capacity, not rights.

Strange Things and Weirdos II

2005-06-10T12:18:00.000-07:00

This town is fucked up. I walked in today carrying a roll of Kraft paper and a 3' long, 1/2" diameter steel rod in my backpack--sticking out, of course. I met 5 people I knew on the way in, and even more that I didn't know. Not a single one asked me what I had or what I was carrying. Makes me think that I could walk in here carrying a HEAT round and no one would ask any questions. I guess people have seen far stranger things so they don't think it's strange if they see someone carrying a large steel bar around. Maybe if I had a tree growing out of my backpack... Nah.

So, we have a double-whammy today. The first is amusing, but not so incredible. I'm walking up University, the main drag to campus in town, and see a guy ahead of me waiting for the crosswalk light. Yes, people actually use them here, and traffic actually respects pedestrians. It's incredible. This guy is a 40ish asian with black hair that's going gray in a pony tail, a slight pot belly, two wrist braces a gray T-shirt and black jeans that are a little ripped at the bottom. He's wearing those Morpheus-style sunglasses that just clip onto your nose. So, he's waiting for the light to change, and it does. He then turns 90 degrees and looks at the other crosswalk light, which is now red. I figured he had changed his mind or forgotten something so he had to go the other direction now. I've done that before. No big deal. By this time, I'm behind him, waiting for the same light he is. As soon as the light signals that he can walk, he turns 90 degrees and starts waiting for the other crosswalk light again. I sort of shook my head, but went across the street to the bank. I came out, and there he is again, still waiting on the same street corner for the light to change. What the fuck is he doing? Is he some sort of crosswalk zen-master, eternally waiting for the light to change, somehow deriving the secrets of the universe from his eternal torment like Sysiphus? Is he paid to monitor the times between crosswalk light changes? He wasn't even a button-pusher for the crosswalk light, because this crosswalk didn't have them. This town is full of people like this. You wonder what they get paid to do.

Just two more blocks up, right after I had bought my steel bar and kraft paper at the hardware store, I see the second and more amazing strange event of the day. Right in front of the university, on the street in front of the circle drive that is the beginning of campus, a car is parked on the street. And it's on fire. This is a late-model silver Mistubishi something-or-other, and it's parked at a meter along with a bunch of other cars, but this one is pouring smoke like a car from Grand Theft Auto that has hit one too many buildings. There's a small lawn just beyond the car where people sunbathe, and sure enough, people are laying out on their blankets, not 20 feet from this car, not seeming to give a shit at all, even that they were smelling burning God-knows-what from the engine. Well, I keep on walking, as I don't have a fire extinguisher and there's nothing I can do about it. I did resolve to tell the nearest person that I saw, or to call 911 when I hit a phone. As it turns out, at the top of this cirle drive, maybe 100 feet from this car on fire, is a little glass hut that houses some hourly student worker who answers questions, deals with parking slips, etc. He's in there with his back to the fire and reading a newspaper. I went up to him and said "You've probably already been told this, but there's a silver Mitsubishi down there on fire." He looks behind him and says "Oh yeah. Look at that smoke." No shit, Sherlock. It looks like the jolly green giant is burning tires on a barbecue grill there's so much smoke. Then he looks and says "Here comes the firetruck now. They'll take care of it." and he turns back around and starts reading again.

Now, at this point, there is a firetruck heading for this fire, so I figured that they were coming for it. They didn't have their lights and sirens on, which I thought was unusual, but this is a weird town, so I thought nothing of it. The firetruck is in the right hand lane. The car is just to the right of that, pouring out black smoke that's going to leave oil stains on everything in a two block radius. Then came the strange, weird, and ultimately amazing part. The firetruck kept on going. It didn't even slow down. Just kept on driving by. What do the firefighters do in this town?!? They see a fire and don't put it out?!?!? What was going through their minds? "Well, we didn't receive a call on it yet. Maybe it's just a false alarm." or "We're union and on break right now. Can't stop to put out a fire." What the fuck? What do they get paid for? Drinking in the firehouse? I lost all respect for the Berkeley FD today.

As far as I know, the car has burned itself out and our crosswalk zen friend is still waiting for the light to change. I hate this town.

Strange Things and Weirdos I

2005-06-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

Starting tonight, I will be posting the weird shit that I see here in Berkeley. Kalifornia has more than its share of weirdos, but this city is insane. The rudeness, the apathy--that's Kalifornia. The weirdos and the occurrances that you double take at, those are Berkeley. This town is insane, from the dog with white mice crawling all over it to the 65 year old Jewish man with a bad temper and Turret's syndrome who is repeatedly thrown out of the post office. So we begin our saga.

I am walking through the North Berkeley safeway about 11:45pm, 15 minutes before closing. North Berkeley is the home of the super-rich, super-liberal, racist, xenophobic, arrogant and ultimately eccentric white people that live in Berkeley. Since there's so many white people, it's a good bet that they have a large percentage of serial killers. The crime in general is pretty low here, but the weirdo ratio is way up there. Anyway, I'm in the Safeway at this part of town. It's jammed with stuff, things falling off the shelves, I hate this store. It is unfortunately close and cheap, and being poor, I have to go there.

Walking to the check out lane, of course the only one that is open, as usual, when I notice a guy who's just checked out going through his groceries at the next check out stand over. He had gotten his stuff, and moved aside to rummage through his bags. No big deal, this guy doesn't look that weird; he'd pass for a physicist back home. He is maybe 55 with white-gray hair and sort of balding, wearing one of those crushable hats, some mundane collared shirt, a belt and some slacks. Clean-shaven, doesn't look dirty or anything, he appears to be a normal customer.

Until he pulls out a bottle of pasta sauce, opens it, and begins chugging it. This wans't Ragu Old World Style, either. It's the Chunky Safeway Select with Garlic. No shit. I almost choked watching him. Everyone in line was staring at him. He took a break, and looked at us all. All eyes quickly diverted to the soft-core porn of Maxim and Cosmo on the magazine racks, and the clerks went back to pretending they were really interested in the advertisements printed on the paper bags even though they see them every 2 seconds. Then he tilts his head back and keeps on chugging. He must have stood there for a good 5 minutes. I was done with my purchase and about to pull away from the counter when he left.

I think the cashier summed it up best after the man left with: "That man had some mighty powerful thirst."

Irresponsibile Stupidity, Times Two

2005-06-03T23:57:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what you see when you ride the public transit system. I don't know if this is because those who use the public transit are usually the poor, uneducated and those who are generally shit on by society, or if it's because public transit just sucks. In either case, you see people. Although I usually rant about how shitty Kalifornia is, I think that the two things I saw today are more a symptom of the corruption and decay of urban life in america in general. Of course, Kalifornia still blows goats.

Waiting by the bus stop today, I saw two girls, maybe 12 years old, walking down the sidewalk, obviously from some fair because their faces were painted with glitter and one had a balloon. Now, this in itself is nothing astounding. However, you must consider where I live. I am poor. I must keep my expenses down and therefore live in an area of town that I wouldn't if I could afford not to. This is an area of town where I have nearly been attacked, witnessed a gang fight, and more drug deals than I care to remember. It is not the worst area of town, and it certainly isn't the west side of Oakland. It is not, however, a place where two pre-teen girls have any business walking alone. My bus stop is on a corner of an an abandoned school that serves as a shelter for the homeless, across the street from a liquor store, and next to a gas station that constantly smells like burning weed. I saw these two girls walking down the street, being ogled by the homeless men, and two other very seedy looking asian men walking down the street, and wondered where their parents were. As one of the asian men turned to leer backward at the girls, I simultaneously began thinking of what kind of society allows parents to have such little responsibility for their children and how fast I could push the asian guy in front of oncoming traffic if he made a move for one of the girls.

We should not have to live in a place where we have to fear for our children's safety. We should be able to send our children to the store to get something, and should be able to let our children play after dark. We should not have to live in fear of the darkness in the city, and our worst fears in an urban environment should come from raccoons overturning our garbage and traffic lights that malfunction. Sadly, this is not the case. In some places, especially in rural areas, parents don't have to worry about their children being attacked, except maybe by a coyote. Why are our cities such shit? The scum of the earth is attracted to the metropolis. Why people like cities for the 'culture' is beyond me. While we should not have to face these problems, we do have to face them. And since we have to face them, we need to be responsible for our children.

I found out where these girls had wandered from. As I rode the bus up the street, about 3 blocks up was the grand opening of a Jewish temple where a fair-like event was going on. I'm sure the kids came from here. Did their parents not tell them to not wander off? What the hell? Those kids could wind up raped and/or dead, and then people would bitch about how we need stricter laws and more survellience. Bullshit. Take more responsibility for your kids. You chose to live in this shithole called Berkeley, so be fucking responsible and make sure your kids don't wander off. You think some country folk go off telling the local sherriff how he should have been out shooting more coyotes if they leave their kids out in the field alone and they get attacked by coyotes? Fuck no. Why? Because people in the country take some fucking responsibility. They either don't leave their kids there alone in the first place, or if they get attacked, realize it was their own damn irresponsible fault. At least they understand it was part of nature. But you think their kids are going to be attacked by some pervert? No. Why? Because the communities out there are tight knit. People talk to each other. You know what would happen if some child molester showed up in one of those towns? People would stop and talk to him and ask where he's from and what he's doing there, and they wouldn't let him out of their sight until he left. Or they'd just shoot him if they didn't want to deal with it. People here won't even look at you if you pass them on the street much less molest some little kid. I doubt anyone here would have done anything had someone grabbed one of the little girls.

Which brings me to my next amazing incident on public transit today. Riding home today, I am sitting on the back of the bus near all the gang graffitti when two girls get on the bus and start talking to a HS male who's sitting to my left. The male has a fat lip, but no other discernable calamaties. They begin talking to each other, and the guy brings up the fact that he got in a fight after school today, which is where he got his fat lip. He tells this with some male machoistic bravado, like he's proud of it. One of the girls asks what happened, and he relates the story. Apparently, on his way home, some kids on the street were throwing things at them and they got into a fight. OK, well, seems reasonable, especially as he only has a fat lip and no big injuries. Seems like a scuffle. Anyway, one of the girls asks "Did they jump you?" and then the details come out. Apparently he was walking home, and some kindergarteners (he specifically mentioned 'kindergarteners' several times) were playing in the mud and threw some mud at him. So he beat the crap out of 7 of them. One of them managed to smack him in the lip as he picked him up. Way to go, asshole, you can beat up kindergarteners. Guess what? A fucking cripple can beat up kindergarteners, and he'd still be an asshole for doing it. If I saw a big high school kid (and this kid was like 6' and 200lbs) beating up some kindergarteners, I don't give a shit if the kindergarteners were trying to stab him with swords, I'd beat the high schooler until blood ran out his ears. If I had a gun, he'd be lying in a pool of his own blood in the street. There is no reason to beat up little kids. The amazing thing to me was the reaction of the girls: "Did you get 'em?" Like, what, he was going to get his ass beat by seven 4-year olds? Congratulations, you've just earned 'fuck off of the year' award. We wonder why our cities are so bad when there's people like this out there. We really need some kind of educational system that teaches instead of putting a rubber stamp on idiots like this.

So when you let your kids out at night on the wrong side of tracks and they get the shit kicked out of them by an asshole who likes to beat up kindergarteners, it's your fucking fault. Take some responsibility for your actions, and if you see some asshole beating up kindergarteners, take some community responsibility and go crush his skull with a baseball bat. The police will be on your side, trust me.

Armed and Docile?

2005-05-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

Every time I hear the phrase 'armed and dangerous', I wonder exactly what that means. Usually it is accompanied by the phrase 'heavily armed'. This begs the question of what 'armed' or 'lightly armed' is. If you're carrying a pocketknife, are you considered lightly armed? How about a stick? A baseball bat? Does it have to do with the amount of damage you can inflict on another human being in a given amount of time? These are questions that prevent me from sleeping at night. So, in the interest of clarification and the prevention of insomnia, I present four categories of a person being armed that the media should adopt.

Unarmed
Not having your limbs severed, but rather this is posessing no weapon. Of course, you could always use your shirt to strangle someone, but I think that police are more concerned with people carrying deadly weapons. You can carry a pocketknife with a blade length of up to 3", a stick of no more than 0.5" in diameter and 30" in length, a rubber band gun, or a generally non-weapon-like object, such as a brick or cinder block and still be considered unarmed.

Lightly Armed
Someone who is lightly armed may have the following weapons: knife of up to 12" in blade length, quarterstaff or any other stick, club, brass knuckles, kubaton, slingshot, blowgun or throwing darts (including lawn darts).

Armed
This category includes lethal weapons whose sole purpose is to kill something. This includes a bow and arrow, a sword, and any handgun. It also includes bolt, pump or level action long guns. This also includes semi-automatic sporting shotguns.

Heavily Armed
Also known as the rambo syndrome. If you're carrying a semi-automatic rifle or a semi-auto shotgun with a clip, you're heavily armed. Any class III weapon (grenade, silenced weapon, machine gun or a short barreled shotgun) will also make you heavily armed. Destructive devices like nuclear weapons also fall into this category.

So, now that we've clarified that, what makes someone dangerous? I mean, as I sit here right now, I'm armed. Does that make me dangerous? Probably not. So, we need to make sure that the media have four categories to match up with the armedness of a person. Those are:

Docile
You can put a katana in the hands of a quadrupolegic. That doesn't make him 'armed and dangerous', but rather 'armed and docile'. Children who have no strength to wield a weapon (such as a flail or giant club) fall here.

Neutral
Armed and neutral. Sounds like a druid. Rather, this applies to most citizens. Anyone with a gun, unless physically incapable or unconscious, immediately falls at least into this category. The problem is that even children can operate a firearm and be dangerous.

Dangerous
This is for the criminals. Anyone who has a criminal history should be here, as well as those people that are agitated or pissed off for some reason.

Should be shot
Anyone who has shot at a cop or just comitted a violent crime with a weapon belongs here. Murderers, rapists, etc. This title also gives the public the idea of what to do when they meet up with one of these people.

\/\/007!

2005-05-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

Fuck you all, you worthless bitches, I passed!

The Apocalypse

2005-05-12T02:09:00.000-07:00

The first sign of the Apocalypse is upon us. I saw the single most amazing thing I have ever seen today. While on the bus, a homeless man got on. He had no money to pay, but wouldn't get off. The driver put the bus in park and waited. Several minutes went by. Then a man from the center of the bus walked up and paid for his ticket. In and of itself, this is not so amazing. Maybe the guy was just fed up with waiting. But it was a step in the right direction. Then, a block later, an old lady got on. This same guy got up from his seat and offered it to the old lady. We had a winner. A kind Kalifornian. Now, there may be some room for leeway here, as this guy may have originally been from out of state, but I'm still blown away. I've never before seen that here. I've been here two years. I was shocked. I wanted to reward the guy somhow, for an effort that would be second nature in 49 other states.

I am keeping a lookout for horsemen.

Sports predictions: Purdue is going to the Rose Bowl and the Cubs will win the world series against the White Sox with a grand slam to the opposite field upper deck by their injured pitcher on a full count in the bottom of the ninth inning while down by 3 runs in game seven.

Greenwar

2005-05-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Waste of our nation's natural resources

Let's think about this. We're going to cut down trees that are older than this nation. Let that sink in a minute. Older than our nation. That's pretty damn old. Some of these trees may be older than European countries. Aside from making an amusing quip abuot how we've lost respect for our elders, what can I say? This is a complete mismanagement of our nations resources. Why? Well, there's several reasons:

1. Old Growth Forests Cannot Be Replaced
It takes hundreds of years for these trees to grow to their current stature, and the ecosystem that they support is biodiverse. Just look at the ivory billed woodpecker. We are lucky that it is not extinct as it was thought to be from our deforestation of old growth forests. The bottom line is that we need to be selfish. If we cut down the forests, we cut down biodiversity. If we cut down biodiversity, we upset the ecosystem. We forget that we are part of the ecosystem, and we may make the world completely uninhabitable for ourselves. Look at the middle east. It use to be a lush oasis of plants. Horrible overuse and bad ecological practices have made it what it is. Do we want our country to turn into a desert? George Carlin is more right than he thinks when he says "The planet is fine. The earth has always been here and will always be here. It's us humans that are fucked." He's more right than we know. We don't need to save the earth. We need to save the inhabitability of the earth for human life.

2. Logging of Old Growth Forests is Not Profitable
Can you imagine that? Our government subsidizing an industry that is LOSING money AND has environmentally destructive practices? There's some bullshit about how the loggers can't keep up their traditions, blah blah blah. Traditon is important, I will agree. But if these people are just going to destroy their only source of livelihood, why the hell is the government supporting them? Rather than spend the money on subsidizing these idiots, why not spend it on retraining them for another job? Hell, make them stewards of the land and pay them to clear out underbrush to prevent forest fires. I'd rather have the government paying forest rangers to do work that benefits the environment than paying out welfare to drug addicts. We need to keep up with SUSTAINABLE, RENEWABLE logging practices. These are profitable, so we need to make sure that those are used.

3. Our Children Won't See These Trees Anymore
Your children, your children's children, and any future generations will never see pristine forest, never see the animals there, never see anything but the cities. This needs to stop NOW. The greatest thing about the United States is that we have wilderness left. Land is abundant. It is perhaps our greatest natural resource. We should not squander. We should be conserving as much as possible--piling people into urban areas made nicer by better land management there, practicing good farming technique, and keeping what remaining wilderness we have by keeping asshole industry out.

You may be wondering where the ranting is, where all the spite went. It is still there. The background is imperative to understanding the incredible, venomous loathing that I have for those who care to destroy the environment. I despise them almost as much as I despise those who would take away my fireworks.

Which is why I'm not out here telling you to join the fucking Sierra Club or chain yourself to a tree with a bunch of other fucking Greenpeace hippies. That's bullshit. Those pussy-ass protesters don't have the force it takes these days. What the hell? We have idiot kids running into a high school with guns shooting the place up now. Some hippy killed by a bulldozer plowing down a tree that they are chained to isn't going to even make the 4am news. New plans are needed to ensure our environment is safe and to promote the welfare of our species. I know, I hate people and would willingly let people kill each other, but can we please do it with trees still standing?

First, let us consider the positive aspects of trees and people.

Trees:
1. Smell nice
2. Look nice
3. Provide homes for birds, squirrels and other small mammals
4. Are quiet
5. Do not rob, rape or murder one another
6. Are not cruel
7. Do not lie to one another
8. Can provide wood for different applications we want (providing we use them reasonably)
9. Are easy to manage--they grow on their own, using solar power
10. Do not pollute the environment

People:

OK, there we have it. People are worthless bags of shit and are not as worthy of life as trees. We are wasting their precious resources on this planet. Up with trees, down with people!

Back to what we need to do to prevent all our friendly trees from being killed. Sierra Club and Greenpeace are out. What we need are paramilitary covert operators fighting for the trees. The trees are peace-loving and would never take up arms against us humans (despite what you Tolkein fans fantasize about). So we need to fight for them. We're perfectly good at killing each other. We've been doing it for thousands of years. What's the big deal if we kill a few more humans to ensure the survival of the rest of our species? A covert forest rangers outfit, maybe Greenwar, or The People's Nation of Druids. Wait for some fucker to come up in a bulldozer. Then shoot him. Or the bulldozer if you have a .50 BMG. It may even be more effective to shoot the bulldozer, because they're a lot more expensive to replace. Shoot the fuck out of them, then run into the woods. Wait for the army to search the area and find nothing, then they'll leave and the loggers will resume work. Repeat process. Eventually, either the Army will be out protecting the loggers, or they'll just give up. If the fucking Army has to be called out every time a tree is cut down from an old growth forest, it's not going to be worth the money invested just to cut the damn tree down.

Join Greenwar today!

The Final Letter (Electronically)

2005-05-04T14:24:00.000-07:00

So, one of my friends is having a difficult time right now. There's this girl who's enamored with him, and he doesn't want any part of it. So, how does he go about letting her down? You could adise him to take the Homer Simpson route: "Three simple words: I am gay." It seems to be dishonest, though, so I figured I'd help draft a letter for him, being honest. Not mean, just honest. I've been up for 20 something hours and been at this fucking lab for, well, OK, so I've been up 30 something hours and been at this fucking lab for 25ish now. The name has been omitted just because I felt like being nice. For once.

Dear XXXXXX,

Although I should probably be flattered that someone is attracted to me enough to be enamored, I unfortunately am not. Perhaps it is the fact that you're married, or that you're German, but I guess I could overcome these things if you were hot enough. But you're not. I don't mean to be cruel, so I won't be, but let me soften the blow a bit by saying that you look like a cross between a physically abused Gumby and the Pillsbury Dough boy with tits dressed up in a Rambo costume. If you want someone to love you, you might consider using deoderant, because your malodorous musk is much less alluring than the large donkey on my uncle's farm. Perhaps you should consider hitting on our Chinese postdoc. He's a really nice guy and he'd never notice your smell because he moonlights as an exterminator using only his breath as an insecticide.
I would also advise investing in a hearing aid, if only to note the incredible volume with which you speak. While you may have grown up on stage with AC/DC, here in America, we like to try and keep the volume so that those in the lab 4 doors down can't hear us over their radio that's shaking the floor. You might also invest in an English course. Of course, you studied English much more than I have studied German, as I haven't studied the language at all, but when you correct native English speakers on our grammar and pronunciation incorrectly, it is a bit irritating. As a matter of fact, you could save yourself the money by simply listening instead of deafening us constantly with your incredibly piercing banshee wail. If you listened, maybe you'd learn something about how we speak our language.
You incessant need to be right, all the time, even when you're wrong, and especially when your advice is unasked for or when you cut into a private conversation should really be curbed if you ever want to have an affair. I would also suggest not wearing anything that exemplifies the gargoyle-like grotesqueness of your body. A frumpy sweatsuit will do nicely.
By the way, if you want to pick someone up, I wouldn't talk about how hard you had to work in Germany and how much harder it was there. First, everyone knows that the Germans do everything the hard way and it's no surprise that you had a hard time there. Secondly, we don't really care. As a matter of fact, we don't really care about you, either. I can give you my uncle's number, though, because I hear his donkey is lonely.
Hope you die in a car fire,
--XXXX

PS - You should try listening to music sometime. That Reinhard Mae that you listen to is not music; it sounds like Mr. Rogers singing drunkenly to Sesame Street tunes in German and is less preferable to listen to than nails scratching glass.

The DC Duck

2005-05-02T04:44:00.000-07:00

Downtown D.C. Duck, Offspring Get New Home - Yahoo! News. I can only wonder how much money was spend paying the Secret Service to protect waterfowl while actual fucking people go without health care, food and clean water. Our country has the wrong priorities. We'd rather cater to some kitchy idea of "Duck Cheney" (read the article) than provide for our human citizens. I'm all for wildlife preservation, but not at the expense of human rights.

Welcome to the new club

2005-04-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

I took Liam's advice and changed the blog to members only. We'll see if everything's working if anyone can post comments on this.

WARNING:

2005-04-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

This blog is here for me to vent, not for discussion. It is a totalitarian blog. If you have a dissenting opinion, your comments will either be removed or I will flame you with the most offensive language I know, trying in every capacity to insult you. You were all warned that this blog is not 100% serious. If you entertain serious debate, go fuck yourself. Liam and Wolf are the only two who may post comments without fear of being deleted or flamed. That is all.

Always Look on the Bright Side...of Death

2005-04-24T17:48:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot written on the death penalty, both for and against it. Personally, I think little of it really gets at the underlying issue. Here's our problem: we have people we don't want in society. We want to kill them. Good, I say, but if we're going to do it, let's do it right, and not fuck it up like we're currently doing. There's statistics that say that more minorities are being killed than white people, and some that say that 30% of the people are innocent, etc. While statistics do lie, in this case, they begin to illustrate the fact that our death penalty is poorly implemented.

What are the problems? Well, for one thing, those that support the death penalty usually oppose abortion, calling themselves "pro-life", which I think is completely hypocritical if they support the death penalty. But I digress. The main problem with those that support the death penalty is that they tout it as being a 'deterrent' for people to not commit capital crimes, their reasoning being the one may think to him or herself 'Hmm, if I commit this crime, I may be convicted and sentenced to death for it.' Well, the problem is, most people don't think when they do these things, or there's something in the back of their mind that says 'I'll never get caught'. So, the 'fear of the death penalty' reasoning is bullshit. At that, some super-left wingers may say "If it's bullshit, then the death penalty must be abolished." I say that's a load of crap, too. The death penalty, if used correctly, does work; just not in the way that it is touted to. How does it work? It prevents those who are executed from ever comitting any crime again. As a matter of fact, it prevents them from doing anything at all--they're dead. You don't see John Wayne Gacey killing any teenage boys anymore. You don't see Ted Bundy stalking sorority girls. Why? They're fucking dead. They can never have their conviction overturned on technicalities; they can't be released to a mental hospital; they can't escape from prison; they can't sell their memoirs for loads of money. They're dead. I say good--let's make sure the serial killers are where they can never hurt anyone again--six feet underground. The finality of the death penalty does beg the question of the evidence used against the accused, which brings me to my next point.

Our courts don't require enough evidence to convict someone of this crime. Sure, there has to be 'evidence beyond a reasonable doubt', but you can convince a jury of that without any physical evidence. Hell, look at the OJ trial. He killed Nicole without any doubt. Look at Robert DeCaro. Look at any number of rich motherfuckers, and you'll see the same thing: they got off. Why? Because their lawyer was a better storyteller than the other. If you're poor, then you get convicted because most pro-bono DAs can't even tell a joke at a bar much less convince a jury that their client is innocent. Well, that shit needs to stop. If there is no physical or irrefutable evidence (like a videotape of the crime), then the death penalty can't be applied. Let's say that you raped a woman, then strangled her to death, leaving your DNA all over the place. OK, you get to die. What if you shot someone to death and there was only ballistic evidence and nothing else? Then they might be able to send you to life in prison, but they can't use the death penalty--not irrefutable evidence. This keeps the few innocents off death row that don't belong there. For those that do get sentenced to death, it allows us to do one thing that we really need, my next point:

It takes entirely too long to kill someone. If you're sentenced to die, it should be as soon as possible after the pronouncement. Two weeks should be about max. You get sentenced, then you die. Big deal. Since you need irrefutable evidence of your crime to be sentencted to death, you can't cry over it. You did it. Now society deems you unworthy of breathing. Bye.

The fourth major problem is that the methods of killing, with one exception, suck. Most are cruel and unusual, and they all cost too much. Gas chamber? Horrible way to die. All of your muscles contract at the same time as you suffocate internally from having the iron ripped out of your blood by the cyanide. Electric chair? Who thought that shit up? Dr. Frankenstein? Seriously, that's very cruel and incredibly unusual. Lethal injection is the only humane way to go, but it's expensive. So, what do we need to do? Shoot people. It's not cruel or unusual at all. Look at how often it happens every day. It's what we train our soldiers to do. Our country has killed far more people with bullets than by all kinds of execution combined. It's fast, it's cheap, and it's much less cruel than anything we have except lethal injection, which is too expensive. I'm not talking firing squad--no, each state needs to pay a full-time executioner, whose job it is to shoot people at point blank range with a 12-ga. 00-buckshot nitro-express load in the head. Sounds bad, but it's quick and painless. Strap the bastard down in the chair and let 'er rip. If you don't want an executioner, you can have a computer fire the gun. It makes no difference. You won't miss at point blank range, and with such a hot load, even though you may be spending as much as $0.80 per round, it's guaranteed to kill instantaneously.

The last major problem with the death penalty is that it's not applied fairly. It is not applied in 'mitigating circumstances' and it's not applied to crimes that definitely warrant it. The death penalty is not applied to those who are deemed to be 'insane' or 'not in control of themselves'. What? They were on drugs when they did it? What the fuck? They did it, there's irrefutable evidence that points to them as the killer, and they freely admit it? Kill the fucker. I don't give a shit if he's retarded, insane, or was just fucked up on drugs and alcohol at the time--WE DON'T NEED THEM IN OUR SOCIETY. You shoot someone who breaks into your house, or if you accidentally kill someone, you're excused to a lesser charge, if any. You are on drugs and fire a gun or operate a motor vehicle, it was your own damn fault and bad decision, so sorry, but you don't get to make any ever again, because you will be dead. You're insane you say? It was a chemical imbalance in your brain that led you to rape and murder 8 year old girls? You definitely need to get a 12-ga. slug through the brain. If you did it, and there is no question about it, you go. I mean this to apply to rich bastards, too. No more white-collar prison for politicians that break the law. You are a senator that hires a hitman to kill your wife? You drive drunk and kill someone? You get the shotgun treatment, too. No mercy for the rich.

To further this last point, the death penalty needs to be applied to more crimes than murder. What about rape? This is a sticky subject, and it wouldn't be able to be applied in a 'he said-she said' situation, but for the small percentage where the rapist doesn't know the accuser and there's physical evidence pointing to the rapist... I mean, really--think about it--you can think up a few reasons to kill someone, from good ones (like self-defense) to poor ones (accidental, revenge). Can you honestly tell me that you can think of any reason to rape someone? That's right, there's not. You die, too. You molest children? Boom. Want to torture animals? How about cut down trees? Confiscate fireworks? (Well, maybe the last two are a little harsh...) We need to take a good look at what we need to get rid of people. There are those criminals that are unreformable. We either need to separate these prisoners and hold them for life, or kill them. I'm not sure which I'd prefer, honestly. It seems a bit harsh to kill someone for armed robbery, but if they've been doing armed robbery for 10 years, maybe they need to go. Of course, this is all to do with irrefutable evidence as well. For criminals that can be reformed, we need to educate them and send them back out into society as productive members. If you're unreformable, then you need to spend the rest of your life in a 9x12 room. No daylight. No exercise. No TV. You never leave. You are unreformable. You therefore get punishment, not reform. Humane treatment is reserved for those who act like humans. If you get out, you'll just spread more misery. If you believe bullshit statistics, 80% of crime is comitted by only 30% of the population, meaning that there are some very unreformable people out there.

One last option that we might consider is to give criminals a choice for the death penalty. If they are of the non-reformable group and won't ever be getting out of prison, then they should be given the choice of whether or not they want to spend the rest of their days in a cell or if they want to die quickly. Although many may choose to live, they may start to lose interest after 15 years of darkness in a cell eating cold grits and hotdogs.

Segways, Horses and Police Bears

2005-04-17T01:33:00.000-07:00

Today our school had its annual open house, where all the different organizations on campus come and have a booth or table set up so that they can show off their wares. Well, our city police were here, too, and they had their own little demonstration area. Now, you have to understand, the police department here scrapped their mounted police unit in favor of Segways. The officers were letting the kids ride around on the Segways (if they were wearing a helmet, of course). I asked one of the officers how fast they could go. She said "About 12.5 mph, but you can't really sustain that for long." I also inquired as to if they had any mounted police left to which she gracefully replied "Horses? They're too messy and smell bad."

I no longer have any faith whatsoever in my city's police force. Nevermind that they had a shootout with a bank robber and since their officers were such wimps that they had to call a neighboring jurisdiction to come and shoot it out with the bankrobbers. Nevermind that their officers are busy writing parking tickets when robbries and burglaries are occurring, but when it comes time for the big games at the football stadium, the officers are nowhere to be seen in writing tickets for people illegally parked who are blocking in residents. The mere fact that we have even one police officer that thinks Segways are better than horses is pathetic. Let me put a small list together for you to compare their advantages for the police force:

Horse:
1. Can gallop at nearly 40 mph. You aren't going to outrun it.
2. Can take rough terrain, including hills, creeks, curbs, rocks, mud, etc.
3. Mounted officer has a high vantage point to look out over a crowd.
4. Can side-step large crowds back if they are creating problems.
5. Is large and intimidating.
6. If officer becomes disarmed, can trample assailant.
7. Does not require batteries.
8. Generally has a service life of 20 years.
9. Doesn't cost $50,000 per vehicle.

Segway:
1. Does not shit on the street.
2. Does not require food.
3. Has no detectable odor.

Well, there you have it. An officer on a Segway is unlikely to intimidate anyone, can't chase anyone who chooses to flee on foot over grass, up a hill, or through a rough area, or even on paved surfaces for that matter, considering that the average human can run 20 mph at a dead sprint. In additon, the Segway has a notably shorter service life, and is absolutely useless for crowd control. I submit that the only way a Segway is useful for crowd control is if it is swung overhead in a fashion not unlike Conan the Barbarian with his two-handed sword. Perhaps our Governator should take up crowd control with a Segway.

This brings me to my next point: I think that police forces should work more closely with animals, not less. For instance, everyone knows the effectiveness of police K-9 units. Suspects who are perfectly willing to shoot at human officers give up very quickly when confronted with a large German Shepherd charging at them. Rather than just dogs, why not use other animals? I have a few suggestions:

1. Police Raptors - Let's train some bald eagles and red-tailed hawks to pursue a suspect from high above, much like a helicoptor, although less noticeable. Then if the suspect is trying to get away, the raptor can be trained to swoop down and tear the scalp off the bastard. A peregrin falcon can dive at 183 mph. At that speed, it could rip your scalp off, have a nice snack, and be back to the officer before the suspect had time to scream. Unfortunately, some of these birds are endangered, so suspects shooting at them or battering them when they were having their eyes clawed out might not be such a good idea. Well, on to the next animal.

2. Police Siberian Tigers - They run fast. They jump high. And they weigh 800 lbs. You give the tiger the go word, and it'll run down that fugitive faster than the German Shepherd. Don't want a tiger chasing you? Don't deal drugs. The only real problem, if it can be called that, is the cat's instinct to immediately eat the suspect. This would be a really great idea for suspects in rural settings. The tiger could climb trees and wait in ambush, pouncing on the suspect and crushing his ribcage in one giant leap. Unfortunately, the Siberian Tiger is also endangered, and we couldn't have any harm to the animal population, right?

3. SWAT Rhinoceroses - So a rhino wouldn't be a good member of the regular force. They tend to charge things and trample all in their path, plus they're pretty darn big to stick in a police cruiser. But they're the perfect size for a SWAT van. Could you imagine being a gang banger loading up your gat when you see the SWAT van pull up? You're expecting those normal SWAT guys with the BPVs and the AR-15s when you see a giant black rhinoceros plod its way out of the van much to the relief of the axles. You will most likely throw up your hands and surrender without a fight. Of course, since the rhino is already out of the van, you may still be trampled if it sees you.

4. Police Bears - This may honestly be the best idea. Imagine using grizzly bears on the force: they can outrun you, they can take bullet hits, then can bash down doors, and damn do they have the intimidation factor down. You could use it for normal routine foot patrols as a sidekick to the officer (the kids would love it), or you could use it for a SWAT entrance. Strap a nice oversized blue BPV onto the bear, maybe a helmet and some black ski-goggles, and presto--you have no more need for a battering ram. The bear simply charges the door and winds up sitting atop it, crushing the bad guy who was waiting behind the door with the loaded gun. And who is going to stand up to the bear? With what? A 9mm? A 12 ga.? No way. You need an extremely high-powered rifle with a large bullet weight, and you're gonna need to shoot that thing at least 10 times--a hell of a lot more if the bear is wearing level IV armor. Not many criminals carry around a .458 Win Mag hunting rifle. They're more concerned about shooting up their buddies with some POS Tec 9. Sorry, but the bear's hide alone will stop that. And then you've pissed off the bear. If you're going into a real nest of bad guys who are out to kill the cops, then you simply don't feed the bear breakfast and instead of shooting tear gas through the window, you fire exploding cannisters of brown gravy.

Think my ideas will ever see fruition in Kalifornia? I don't either.

Young, Dumb and Ugly

2005-04-14T17:31:00.000-07:00

Ever remember those high school days when you'd sit around talking with your friends about 'the perfect woman'? You know, the one that had it in all three categories: 1. Beautiful 2. Smart 3. Nice. Well, of course, you always found the really hot, smart bitch, and you found the girls who were gorgeous and nice, but had the brainpower of a brick, and you would find the nerdy girls who were brilliant and nice but could turn an ogre to stone with a glance. Very occasionally, you might find a beautiful, smart girl who was nice. These are very hard to come by. Now, the converse can be said as well. There are many people out there who are gorgeous, but are stupid bitches. In kind, there are also the ugly, smart bitches. You can also find really kind people who are ugly and stupid. But just as the top of the list is hard to find, you would think, so is the bottom; that is to say, very few people are ugly, dumb, and bitchy.

Not so. The scale apparently isn't a nice bell curve with a zero-point somewhere in the neutral territory between 'fantastic' and 'worthless'. As a matter of fact, I would be willing to wager that the bell curve starts at the bottom and probably looks more like a Boltzmann distribution than any of us are willing to admit. As it seems to me, the midwest may be lacking in the beauty department sometimes, but it more rarely lacks in the nice department.

Kalifornia is filled with dumb, ugly bitches and bastards. I rode the bus today and this stupid lady stuck her bus ticket into the machine diagonally. She couldn't figure out why it wouldn't go into the machine correctly. The driver, who was surprisingly nice, said "Here, turn the ticket a little more." at which point the passenger proceeded to completely bitch out the driver and Spanish and broken English. After their ordeal was over and the nice bus driver learned not to be nice to these fuck-offs out here anymore, the passenger turned around and proceeded down the aisle. I almost had my breakfast taken away from me by my stomach's automatic purge function when I saw this lady. It can only be described by one word: hideous. So Medusa comes down the aisle and starts bitching at another passenger about wanting to sit in a certain seat. I wanted to ask her: "Because you were not granted any beauty, grace, or intelligence, does that make you want to hate and spite the world so much that you must spew your venom wherever you travel?" But my words would have been wasted because her understanding stopped her at the word 'granted'.

In general, people are a dissapointment. I wish I could take a combination of the political views out here and combine them with the decency of the people back home. Despite the fact that things are getting better because some of the stress is wearing down, the people here are still ignorant bastards. It's like they read their horoscope for the day: "You're young, dumb, and ugly, and you're a total bastard. Go spread misery."

Terminal Man

2005-04-05T04:06:00.000-07:00

A beautiful quote from Michael Crichton, from The Terminal Man.

"The automobile was important to Los Angeles, a city more technology-dependent than any in the world. Los Angeles could not survive without the automobile, as it could not survive without water piped in from hundreds of miles away, and as it could not survive without certain building technologies. This was a fact of the city's existence, and had been true since early in the century.
But in recent years Ross had begun to recognize the subtle psychological effects of living your life inside an automobile. Los Angeles had no sidewalk cafés, because no one walked; the sidewalk café, where you could stare at passing people, was not stationary but mobile. It changed with each traffic light, where people stopped, stared briefly at each other, then drove on. But there was something inhuman about living inside a cocoon of tinted glass and stinless steel, air-conditioned, carpeted, sterepohonic tape-decked, power-optioned, isolated. It thwarted some deep human need to congregate, to be together, to see and be seen.
Local psychiatrists recognized an indigenous depersonalization syndrome. Los Angeles was a town of recent emigrants and therefore strangers; cars kept them strangers, and there were few institutions that served to bring them together. Practically no one went to church, and work groups were not entirely satisfactory. People became lonely; the complained of being cut off, without friends, far from families and old homes. Often they became suicidal--and a common method of suicide was the automobile. The police referred to it euphemistically as "single unit fatalities." You picked your overpass, and hit it at eighty or ninety, foot flat to the floor. Sometimes it took hours to cut the body out of the wreckage.
Moving at sixty-five miles an hour, she shifted across five lanes of traffic and pulled off the freeway at Sunset, heading up into the Hollywood Hills, through an area known locally as the Swish Alps because of the many homosexuals who lived there. People with problems seemed drawn to Los Angeles. The city offered freedom; its price was lack of supports."

The last sentence describes more of Kalifornia than you can know unless you've lived here. Most of the natives are oblivious to it because they never knew anything else. It's pretty sad.

Kalifornia Sucks

2005-03-31T21:40:00.000-08:00

For all the rants I have, this will be one of the most cynical.

Getting done with my taxes, I read the last line. Apparently Kalifornia requires that you pay taxes on all of your out-of-state purchases as if you had bought them in Kalifornia. Yes, that's right, everything. They even threaten you with the fact that many retailers are 'Kalifornia approved' and required to send Kalifornia receipts of sales to persons in Kalifornia, like they'll be checking up on you. Not like you didn't already pay sales tax in another state. Not like if you had things bought in another state and shipped to another state that it wouldn't be like Kalifornia lost out on it. If those ignorant fucks want to get their $8.73 or whatever I owe them for this out of state horseshit, then they can come after my ass and my measly $20,000 a year salary. They'll be sorely dissapointed to find that I can't pay them shit. It is ridiculous, too. The tax form lists EVERY COUNTY in Kalifornia and its tax percentages and then some highly complicated scheme to calculate your taxes in the case that you moved counties during the year. I kid you not when I say that there are like 3 pages of the 12 page tax book dedicated to this. Please.

OK, so say you want to be a good citizen and pay tax twice, or give Kalifornia it's unfair share. What if you bought an item that is illegal in Kalifornia, but legal elsewhere? You never had it shipped to Kalifornia, but you bought it out of state, and then had it shipped to a friend or back home to relatives. It's not hard; almost everything is illegal in Kalifornia. Buy a non-Kalifornia approved catalytic converter or car part? Illegal. Many different types of knives are illegal here. Almost anything related to firearms is illegal here. Chemicals known to the state of Kalifornia to cause cancer are outlawed in many cases. There's so many things that are illegal here the state can't keep track of them all. Fireworks are illegal, not surprisingly. So, let's say you went back home to Tennessee and bought $50 worth of fireworks that you shot off on your cousin's houseboat on the lake there. Then you fly back here. According to the tax code, you're responsible for paying the exorbitant Kalifornia sales tax on the fireworks (something like 8% or more), and you have to pay Kalifornia income tax on that money that you spent, PLUS you've already paid Tennessee sales tax (however low that may be) on the fireworks. The kicker is that the law was enacted supposedly because Kalifornia was losing money to out of state sales because their sales tax was lower. OK, but you can't buy fireworks in Kalifornia! How is the state losing tax money on that which it does not allow for sale within its borders? Ethically, I wouldn't pay tax on things that are illegal in Kalifornia even if it was half my income.

You have to pay tax on things you bought out of state, even if you couldn't have bought them in state. You can't home school your own child here. It's illegal to buy fireworks. It's illegal to purchase any kind of vehicle out of state (no joke). Chemistry labs (real ones, like universities, etc., not meth labs and the like) cannot buy certain chemicals because they're illegal in Kalifornia. Your old driver's license is forcibly removed from you when you apply for a Kalifornia one at the DMV. There is only one 1-800 number to make appointments for the entire state. You are required to gain in-state residency if you go to graduate school here. Because of Kalifornia law, you're required to support unions with part of your paycheck even if you're not a member (The difference between union and non-union dues is like $1.30/month). You pay more for three years worth of car registration than your car is worth. The educational system in Kalifornia is only above Texas and Mississippi. The people here are apathetic, inconsiderate, rude, pretentious, prejudiced, and insane. The environment is raped everywhere you look. This 'environmental' state is entirely hypocritical--it steals water from other states, dumps trash into the ocean, and puts chlorinated aniline into the drinking water to 'purify' it.

And for anyone who wonders why I spell Kalifornia with a K... I have to refer you to David Letterman. "Communism is fun when you spell it with a K!"

Missouri Loves Company

2005-03-31T19:44:00.000-08:00

So, I'm considering adopting a new course of action when I tell Kalifornians where I'm from. Rather than regail them with my anecdotes of how much better it is to live in the midwest, I am going to do the opposite: tell them how shitty the midwest is. 'Why, oh why do you wish to disparage your homeland?' you might ask. The reason is simple. Native Kalifornians and those who choose to make this land their home (aside from those poor wretches like myself who are forced to live here for a time) are rude, thoughtless, idiotic, and apathetic. I've probably left some deragatory adjectives out, but we'll go with that for now. I see first hand every day what those qualities do to the place around me. I would hate to see the values (or lack thereof) and qualities espoused by Kalifornians to make it back to the midwest and make it downright miserable. We already have horrible conservatives back there. No need to make everyone an asshole, too.

So when people ask me 'How was life back in Iowa?' because they equate Iowa with Arkansas, Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin, and pretty much any state that isn't Kalifornia, Texas or New York, I'll reply 'Shitty. It's horrible. You never want to live there. You would be miserably unhappy there. Tell your friends.' Hopefully we won't have to live in the apathy that pervades this place.

On a side note, the average reader might get the idea that I hate this state. Not so. I say I hate this state out of convenience of not having to say 'I hate the people in this state' over and over. Besides, the state itself is a human-contrived notion, so saying I hate the state is more like saying that I hate the people here. This state is beautiful in places. Mostly those unraped by excessive human filth, but there are beautiful places nonetheless. I am amazed at the trees, the birds, and some of the mammals that have managed to survive out here despite the horrible dehabitation that goes on.

Sideshows and idiocy

2005-03-31T02:34:00.000-08:00

The mayor of Oakland has a blog. Kind of a new, techie, hip thing for a mayor to do, and an interesting form of feedback. The particular link that I have is the link to his piece on 'sideshows'. From what I've been able to gather on these events, they are drunken, drug-induced wreckless driving stunts pulled on the streets of Oakland. It happens in bad neighborhoods, around 1:30am on weekends, and involves cars racing at high speed to an intersection where they block all traffic and proceed to pull doughnuts, have people dancing on hoods of cars, etc. It's a huge mess. The crowds that gather are usually high/drunk, and can be very dangerous. These idiots assault people who happen upon the 'sideshow'. There's two things that kill me about this: 1. The comments put out by the people on the Mayor's blog site are idiotic to say the least 2. The Oakland police haven't figured out a way to do anything about it, and sideshows started somewhere between 1985 and 1988. C'mon, that's ridiculous.

To show how stupid the Kalifornia justice system is, they are now confiscating vehicles for 30 days from sideshows. Well, that's fine and dandy if the driver owns the car, but most of these cars are stolen. Now they're talking about auctioning the cars confiscated from sideshows off. Oh, good, so now that your car was stolen, you can have the police sell it as a way to make money to ineptly chase these sideshows off your already crime-ridden streets that you are forced to live on because you make little to no money in an incredibly high cost of living area.

Here's my suggestion: arrest these drivers for wreckless driving. Hmm. Not hard, eh? If they're all drunk and or stoned, how about taking away their license, and pushing a DUI on them, too? There's no reason that you can't just start putting people in jail for this. Yeah, it won't keep others from doing it, but eventually, once everyone's in jail, they won't be driving like idiots anymore. Yes, it will crowd prisons, but aren't these the kind of people we want locked up?

Some of the comments on the mayor's blog are things like 'bring in the national guard and tanks.' That's a good idea. How about we just arm the citizens of the neighborhood and tell them to start shooting at the sideshows as they happen? That'd be a great way to start a full-scale gang war against the citizens or the police. People are idiots.

New

2004-09-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

Wow. I'm amazingly uncreative right now.