Albert Pujols Will Burn in Hell
Today, Albert Pujols signed a record deal for $254 million over 10 years with the California Angels. Most of us were shocked; everyone thought that Albert wanted to push the Cardinals' offer as high as it would go, but at the end of the day, he'd resign with us. Now, the Cardinals did not offer him a pittance--they put up $220 million over 10 years as well, plus a part of the franchise ownership.
His choice to sign with the Angels is disgraceful. I, for one, am disgusted. In an economy like this, where people are out of jobs, trying to make enough money to keep their family in a home and provide food, we have a ballplayer who is so greedy that he wants an extra $3 million a year. Sure, $3 million a year is a lot, but it's not all that much when you're already making $20 million a year. How much more do you really need? How much more do you need to bleed the city of St. Louis, whose loyal fans love you and need heroes like yourself to look up to in this miserable time?
Sadly, we misjudged you Albert. We thought you knew what Cardinal Nation was. We thought you knew what it was to be a leader and role model in our community. You have said that people will think what they want to think and will call you greedy, but you know what your motivations really are. We may not know what your motivations are exactly, but we do know this: we sorely misjudged you. We took you at your word, we thought that you were an upstanding, honorable, loyal person and we trusted you. We celebrated with you as you traveled the World Series parade. Now we realize that you were simply using us to get as much money as you could at the time, and that you were taking everything that this city had to offer you like a frat boy fucking a drunk sorority girl and then kicking her out in the street. We now know that it was never about the city, or loyalty--it was all about you.
Now that the shock has worn off, I'm actually glad he's gone. If he's that full of himself, that willing to betray us over money, then he obviously doesn't know what it's like to be a part of Cardinal Nation and doesn't value that intangible. Colby Rasmus did not, and now Albert doesn't either. He was rated as one of the meanest players in baseball by his fellow players. He thinks he's awesome and is allowed to call plays. He is used to being treated like a god, and he relishes it. That attitude is like a cancer on the bench and is probably the reason that the 2010 Cardinals couldn't keep it together at the end of the season (Berkman saved us in 2011). Good riddance, I say. Good luck trying to get those Los Angeles fans to keep from booing you and throwing soda all over you when you strike out, or can't do shit in the post season like you do in most of your games. Do you think that LA is going to let you age gracefully and put you in the every day lineup even when your average is down and you're starting to lose your effectiveness? No way. You'll be sidelined and have to watch from the bench as younger guys get in there and steal the show. Good luck trying to get those LA managers to put up with your prima donna bullshit and holier-than-thou shit-picking, condescending attitude. I hope you remember how good you had it in St. Louis when you face that AL pitching and your average goes down. I hope you miss how much the fans loved you when you came on the field--because I sure as hell know that the LA fans won't be filling their stadium every game like we do. I hope you regret this decision for the rest of your career, because as far as we're concerned, you managed to deport yourself from Cardinal Nation.
Some of you may think the blog title is a bit extreme, a knee-jerk reaction to the sucker-punch Albert dealt us all today--but I assure you, this is not the case. I, for one, don't believe in Hell, so there's no way Albert could wind up there. However, the Ultra-Christian Albert does believe in Hell, and by his own logic, he's going there. Let me explain how.
Everyone sins. Those who confess are admitted to Heaven. Those who do not go to Hell. Except that there are deadly sins, those that taint your soul so much that you cannot repent enough to save yourself from eternal damnation. Some of the venial (minor) sins Albert has committed include lying. Take for instance, his insistence prior to this contract that he "wanted to retire as a Cardinal", and that "it wasn't about money or statistics, it was about baseball and playing as a Cardinal". He said that he would be willing to take less money to stay here in St. Louis. These were out-and-out baldfaced lies. There's no getting around them. When you choose a contract that pays out $3 million more a year (maybe less depending on franchise rights) and you're already making $20 million a year... sorry, that means it is about the money.
The more heinous sins, however, begin with pride. Pride is considered the most serious of the seven deadly sins, as it leads to the others. Albert pays lip service to loving Jesus, and says that he is humble, but how humble can a guy be when he says that $220 million isn't enough because it means he won't be the #1 salaried first baseman in baseball, and that he deserves to be the highest paid first baseman in baseball because he is the best player in MLB. Excuse me? You know you're the best and say you're the best? Not humble, even if it were true. He may be among the greats, but I would be hard pressed to assign a 'greatest' to any one player in Major League Baseball. What kind of self-aggrandizing vainglorious bullshit is that? He's lying to himself if he thinks he is not proud of himself. The arrogance it takes to turn down an outrageous amount of money and years because it is not enough while people in the city who look up to him are starving in the street makes my blood boil.
Next, we have greed. I think this is the most obvious of the sins he's committed--how much does he want? How much would Jesus ask? He knows that the St. Louis market can't pay more than $220 million--I'm surprised we could even afford that. And so he goes, for a only a few million a year more--to a big market. Hope you like your money, Albert--because that extra $3 million a year will be eaten up in taxes once you move to California--those motherfuckers take 37% of your income as state tax. Too bad your extra $3 million a year translates into something more like -$7 million a year out in CA. Ha!
Finally, we come to betrayal, not one of the seven deadly sins per se (although it could be argued that it is a part of pride or greed), but one whose location in hell is conveniently mapped out by Dante. The ninth circle of hell, the lowest, is reserved for those who commit treachery against those with whom they have a special relationship of some kind. There are four concentric rings within the ninth layer, progressing inward as the sin becomes worse, to the fourth circle, which is reserved for those who betrayed their benefactors. Let's be clear: the city of St. Louis, the Cardinals organization, and the people of this town were all his benefactors--and he betrayed us. He openly lied to us in order to gain our trust, goodwill, and let's not forget--money. He betrayed this trust when he turned down a very generous offer for slightly more money from another city, leaving us, who looked up to him and honored him as a member of our community. This is betrayal of the worst sort. Only Satan himself, at the center of the fourth ring, is worse (for betraying a personal relationship with God).
Thus, Albert is doomed to dwell not far from Satan himself if his beliefs are right. He better quit praying to God and start practicing Atheism, because a non-existent God doesn't give a shit how greedy he is.
Some of you may say that he's given us 11 great years. Sure, he has been a top player during the regular season, but his performance during the post-season has been less than stellar. He had one record setting game during the 2011 world series, and other than that, he has done very little during any of the post seasons he's played. I'm actually glad we dumped him--we got the best 11 years out of him, and he will slow down after a few years. Some of you may point to his charity work. Yes, he has done charity work (mostly for kids and his native Dominican Republic), but it's all faith-based--and not the good kind. It's like those missions that travel to Africa and offer to build the people a well--if they convert to Christianity. It might not be quite as heavy-handed, but all the things he signs have "Jesus is my savior" and crap like that written on them. Let's also not forget that he DESTROYED our classical radio station here in St. Louis. Classic 99.1 FM (may it rest in peace) was bought out by money donated in large part by Albert. It was our only classical station, and he bought it out to remake the station as a Christian rock station. We already had a few of these, and they all blow. I find it shameful that he would decimate the arts as much as he did by killing Classic 99. I should have known then that he was a destructive force that was not worthy of our attention.
Jesus may love you Albert, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.
His choice to sign with the Angels is disgraceful. I, for one, am disgusted. In an economy like this, where people are out of jobs, trying to make enough money to keep their family in a home and provide food, we have a ballplayer who is so greedy that he wants an extra $3 million a year. Sure, $3 million a year is a lot, but it's not all that much when you're already making $20 million a year. How much more do you really need? How much more do you need to bleed the city of St. Louis, whose loyal fans love you and need heroes like yourself to look up to in this miserable time?
Sadly, we misjudged you Albert. We thought you knew what Cardinal Nation was. We thought you knew what it was to be a leader and role model in our community. You have said that people will think what they want to think and will call you greedy, but you know what your motivations really are. We may not know what your motivations are exactly, but we do know this: we sorely misjudged you. We took you at your word, we thought that you were an upstanding, honorable, loyal person and we trusted you. We celebrated with you as you traveled the World Series parade. Now we realize that you were simply using us to get as much money as you could at the time, and that you were taking everything that this city had to offer you like a frat boy fucking a drunk sorority girl and then kicking her out in the street. We now know that it was never about the city, or loyalty--it was all about you.
Now that the shock has worn off, I'm actually glad he's gone. If he's that full of himself, that willing to betray us over money, then he obviously doesn't know what it's like to be a part of Cardinal Nation and doesn't value that intangible. Colby Rasmus did not, and now Albert doesn't either. He was rated as one of the meanest players in baseball by his fellow players. He thinks he's awesome and is allowed to call plays. He is used to being treated like a god, and he relishes it. That attitude is like a cancer on the bench and is probably the reason that the 2010 Cardinals couldn't keep it together at the end of the season (Berkman saved us in 2011). Good riddance, I say. Good luck trying to get those Los Angeles fans to keep from booing you and throwing soda all over you when you strike out, or can't do shit in the post season like you do in most of your games. Do you think that LA is going to let you age gracefully and put you in the every day lineup even when your average is down and you're starting to lose your effectiveness? No way. You'll be sidelined and have to watch from the bench as younger guys get in there and steal the show. Good luck trying to get those LA managers to put up with your prima donna bullshit and holier-than-thou shit-picking, condescending attitude. I hope you remember how good you had it in St. Louis when you face that AL pitching and your average goes down. I hope you miss how much the fans loved you when you came on the field--because I sure as hell know that the LA fans won't be filling their stadium every game like we do. I hope you regret this decision for the rest of your career, because as far as we're concerned, you managed to deport yourself from Cardinal Nation.
Some of you may think the blog title is a bit extreme, a knee-jerk reaction to the sucker-punch Albert dealt us all today--but I assure you, this is not the case. I, for one, don't believe in Hell, so there's no way Albert could wind up there. However, the Ultra-Christian Albert does believe in Hell, and by his own logic, he's going there. Let me explain how.
Everyone sins. Those who confess are admitted to Heaven. Those who do not go to Hell. Except that there are deadly sins, those that taint your soul so much that you cannot repent enough to save yourself from eternal damnation. Some of the venial (minor) sins Albert has committed include lying. Take for instance, his insistence prior to this contract that he "wanted to retire as a Cardinal", and that "it wasn't about money or statistics, it was about baseball and playing as a Cardinal". He said that he would be willing to take less money to stay here in St. Louis. These were out-and-out baldfaced lies. There's no getting around them. When you choose a contract that pays out $3 million more a year (maybe less depending on franchise rights) and you're already making $20 million a year... sorry, that means it is about the money.
The more heinous sins, however, begin with pride. Pride is considered the most serious of the seven deadly sins, as it leads to the others. Albert pays lip service to loving Jesus, and says that he is humble, but how humble can a guy be when he says that $220 million isn't enough because it means he won't be the #1 salaried first baseman in baseball, and that he deserves to be the highest paid first baseman in baseball because he is the best player in MLB. Excuse me? You know you're the best and say you're the best? Not humble, even if it were true. He may be among the greats, but I would be hard pressed to assign a 'greatest' to any one player in Major League Baseball. What kind of self-aggrandizing vainglorious bullshit is that? He's lying to himself if he thinks he is not proud of himself. The arrogance it takes to turn down an outrageous amount of money and years because it is not enough while people in the city who look up to him are starving in the street makes my blood boil.
Next, we have greed. I think this is the most obvious of the sins he's committed--how much does he want? How much would Jesus ask? He knows that the St. Louis market can't pay more than $220 million--I'm surprised we could even afford that. And so he goes, for a only a few million a year more--to a big market. Hope you like your money, Albert--because that extra $3 million a year will be eaten up in taxes once you move to California--those motherfuckers take 37% of your income as state tax. Too bad your extra $3 million a year translates into something more like -$7 million a year out in CA. Ha!
Finally, we come to betrayal, not one of the seven deadly sins per se (although it could be argued that it is a part of pride or greed), but one whose location in hell is conveniently mapped out by Dante. The ninth circle of hell, the lowest, is reserved for those who commit treachery against those with whom they have a special relationship of some kind. There are four concentric rings within the ninth layer, progressing inward as the sin becomes worse, to the fourth circle, which is reserved for those who betrayed their benefactors. Let's be clear: the city of St. Louis, the Cardinals organization, and the people of this town were all his benefactors--and he betrayed us. He openly lied to us in order to gain our trust, goodwill, and let's not forget--money. He betrayed this trust when he turned down a very generous offer for slightly more money from another city, leaving us, who looked up to him and honored him as a member of our community. This is betrayal of the worst sort. Only Satan himself, at the center of the fourth ring, is worse (for betraying a personal relationship with God).
Thus, Albert is doomed to dwell not far from Satan himself if his beliefs are right. He better quit praying to God and start practicing Atheism, because a non-existent God doesn't give a shit how greedy he is.
Some of you may say that he's given us 11 great years. Sure, he has been a top player during the regular season, but his performance during the post-season has been less than stellar. He had one record setting game during the 2011 world series, and other than that, he has done very little during any of the post seasons he's played. I'm actually glad we dumped him--we got the best 11 years out of him, and he will slow down after a few years. Some of you may point to his charity work. Yes, he has done charity work (mostly for kids and his native Dominican Republic), but it's all faith-based--and not the good kind. It's like those missions that travel to Africa and offer to build the people a well--if they convert to Christianity. It might not be quite as heavy-handed, but all the things he signs have "Jesus is my savior" and crap like that written on them. Let's also not forget that he DESTROYED our classical radio station here in St. Louis. Classic 99.1 FM (may it rest in peace) was bought out by money donated in large part by Albert. It was our only classical station, and he bought it out to remake the station as a Christian rock station. We already had a few of these, and they all blow. I find it shameful that he would decimate the arts as much as he did by killing Classic 99. I should have known then that he was a destructive force that was not worthy of our attention.
Jesus may love you Albert, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.
posted by ChemicalJesus at 10:37 PM
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