AT&T Sucks my Nuts
AT&T may be going through some restructuring right now. They may be under new management. They may have just laid off a bunch of people due to the economy sucking. But the economy right now doesn't suck as hard as AT&T. Thanks to their unbridled, unstoppable and almost unsurpassed incompetence, I had no internet for 14 days, and the saga may still be continuing as I write.
How could such a massive corporation with many checks and quality controls, whose #1 priority is customer service, screw up so badly? Well, grab a cup of coffee and settle into your chair, because this is going to be a long story which is nearly as boring as reading tax law.
All of this stems from the assholes that broke into my apartment. I swear, if I ever find them, I'm going to give them a slow, painful death for the aggravation they have caused me. You see, I moved apartments during the week leading up to Halloween this year. I stayed in the same apartment complex, as the management here has been spectacular, but moved to a 2nd floor apartment next to the apartment management office, where they can keep an eye on my place during the day. Not to mention that, but my car has a garage. I don't think the old girl quite knows what to do with the garage yet, as she's never had a garage in her lifetime. But I'm getting off on tangents now.
In preparation for this move, I called ahead to AT&T to make sure my order was in on time to get my phone and internet switched over. I called on the 21st of October. The lady I talked to (curse her and 5 generations of her family henceforth) put in a change order to switch my phone service and internet to my new place on the 28th. Except that I have come to find out that she (may she burn in hell) put through a disconnect order on my internet rather than a change. Why the fuck would you put through a change on the phone line and a disconnect on internet service? I mean, that fucking worthless, stupid, vapid, script-reading, desk-jockeying, roller-chair monkey tried to sell me on an upgraded internet service for like 15 minutes, the whole while discussing the move and how the internet service would be turned on when I arrived.
I am letting my anger get the better of me, because, at this point, I was still quite happy, my move not having happened and my internet not being lost. I began my move on the Friday before. I sent out my last e-mails Monday evening, the 27th. Then, I moved on the 28th. I came in, plugged in my phone, and WA-LA! My phone worked. This was a good sign. I then plugged in my filter and my DSL modem, and.... nothing. I then began my two week long saga on the phone with AT&T customer support, which is as incompetent as our current president and just as worthless.
I call. The first think you now hear, besides a question in Spanish, is an ADVERTISEMENT for AT&T, telling you how AT&T is ranked #1 in customer satisfaction by some survey or another. Guess what, ass-fucks? The caller ALREADY HAS YOUR FUCKING SERVICE so there's no need for an advertisement. Even worse, THEY'RE CALLING BECAUSE THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEIR SERVICE, which means that they really don't wan't to hear your company bullshit about how you're #1 in customer satisfaction. It's a fucking lie!
After being forced to listen to their self-aggrandizing verbal masturbation, you get dumped into a phone tree. And it's not even a 'push the button' phone tree; it's one of those voice-recognition pieces of shit. You know, the ones where a voice comes on and says "If you want billing, please say 'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis pneumonia'." It then reads my phone number back to me in a painfully slow manner and asks me if it's correct. I say 'yes', and then have a 30 second wait for the recorder to stop, have it recognize what I said, and it continues to ramble on, having me say if I'm calling about a DSL problem or a phone problem, what kind of operating system my computer is running, and if I would like to use my customer service ID or my social security number for identification. And EVERY time I used this phone tree, despite saying the EXACT same words at each juncture, I got dumped into a DIFFERENT phone tree level each time. What a piece of shit. I'd say "DSL PROBLEM" and I've been dumped into 5 different tree levels. I do know someone who writes these things, though, which explains a lot, because she's an incredibly self-important and stupid bitch. In any case, the phone tree portion takes 11-14 minutes each time, in the case that you're interested.
Finally, I get through to a live person. Not only do they not speak Enlgish, but the phone tree is of absolutely no use, as they have to ask me what my phone number is, if I'm calling from the # with DSL service, what kind of OS my computer is running and if I'd like to use my SSN or customer ID for identification all over again. Fuck. I get someone who doesn't speak English. They tell me to wait until the next day to see if the DSL comes on. I grumble, but agree.
Day 2. October 29th.
I call. I go through the 14 minute phone tree again. I get some Indian guy who tells me that he can't see any order for me at all, just a disconnect order. I wait on hold for 45 minutes with him while he talks to provisioning. He gets back on and tells me that I should be on Oct 30th. OK, cool, one more day. No big deal.
Day 3. October 30th.
No internet. I call. I go through a 11 minute phone tree. I get someone who puts me on hold for 75 minutes, then tells me that they don't know what's going on, but that my last two orders for service were canceled. They don't know when I'm going to be turned on. He tells me that someone will call back. Amazingly, a guy does call back and tells me that I am now scheduled for turn on November 4th, but he's going to try and get me on by Halloween.
Day 4. Halloween.
No internet. Just because I figured something was wrong, I called again. 13 minute phone tree. Got a guy who was nice but incompetent. He keeps putting me on hold, but I can hear him and the call center; he just can't hear me. He keeps saying "Hello?". Anyway, he calls the provisioning. It's a 45 minute wait. He asks them a question, then he has to ask me, and by the time he gets back to them, they've put him on hold again. Another 45 minutes later, he has to reexplain everything. Then, in switching lines, he accidentally hangs up on me. I wait for him to call back, as he's got my call back number, but apparently he's too dumb for that. So, I call back. Go through the 15 minute phone tree. Then I get this asian bitch who doesn't speak English and can't even get my phone # right. I hang up on her in frustration.
Day 5 & 6 - the weekend - of course, no one works in provisioning during the weekend.
Day 7 - November 3rd.
I call again, to make sure we're on. 12 minute phone tree. 45 minute wait for provisioning after customer service says I have 4 canceled tickets. Provisioning says there is no record of a service ticket for Nov 4. I ask them to connect me on November 6th. They say it's not a problem.
Day 8 - November 4th
I didn't call. I was sick of them.
Day 9 - November 5th.
I call again because I KNOW my order is screwed up already. 14 minute phone tree, 35 minute wait for provisioning after the customer service guy has to call me back twice after we get cut off twice. He can't see any tickets AT ALL, like NO ONE HAS EVER PUT IN AN ORDER FOR ME. He gets provisioning, then they put him on hold for 75 minutes. He tells me that we're not going to get turned on before the next week. He then did something that none of the other assholes did: he said HE'D wait on hold and call me when he got through. And he did. That guy, whose name I can't remember, was fucking awesome, and I told him so. Didn't help me get my internet on any faster, but it at least felt good to not have to sit there on hold and wait for my neck to need a chiropractic adjustment.
Day 11 - November 6th.
I call yet again. 12 minute phone tree. For whatever blessed reason, I got someone from St. Louis. Amazing. Someone who speaks English. And this guy actually gave me provisioning's direct number, and connected me (after 20 minutes on hold) to a person who told me that no orders had ever been put on my account in the correct system, and that I'd be back on Tuesday, November 11th. Well, at least I had some satisfaction.
Day 12 - 15 - November 7th-10th.
I went back home. I flew in on Monday the 10th, and arrived back here. I now have a green DSL light. I call AT&T again. I get the 14 minute phone tree. I then proceed to spend 2 hours on the phone with a DSL tech, who, however nice and helpful she was, was also completely ignorant. I managed to dick around with my settings until my DSL worked. And I got internet. Wasn't supposed to have it yet, but I had it, so fuck them, I'm finally back on, right?
Well, the next day I get a letter in the mail: "Welcome to AT&T! We're so glad you've chosen to become a new AT&T customer..." WTF? I've been with AT&T for years. But wait, they had to send me that letter just to get my DSL back on? Fuck. Then the letter explains that they are going to charge me $79.99 for the setup package and a new modem. Fuuuuuck. I haven't seen that bill yet, but I'm betting it's going to be a clusterfuck of charges, which I will then have to call back about, get through the phone tree again and waste time talking to someone else about.
The NEXT day, I get my bill. Continuous, no outage at all. They have charged me for all of it. Fucktards. I had to call back and get them to cut out 14 days of service, because I'm sure as hell not paying for shit that I didn't get.
As a public service, if you ever have trouble with AT&T not turning you on, don't waste your time with tech support. Provisioning's direct number is 1-866-274-4357, and then the phone tree options are 1-1-1-2-1. Then you get to speak to a live person. Yeah.
So, looking back... AT&T wasted 732 minutes of my time. My phone keeps track of call length. Yes, 732 minutes, or 12.2 hours. And all they did was not charge me $11 for the 14 days of internet I missed. At my nominal pay rate at the lab, that's about $250. How about they fucking pay me that? Of course they won't. Cocksuckers.
Reach out and touch someone? Fuck that. I want to reach out and strangle someone.
How could such a massive corporation with many checks and quality controls, whose #1 priority is customer service, screw up so badly? Well, grab a cup of coffee and settle into your chair, because this is going to be a long story which is nearly as boring as reading tax law.
All of this stems from the assholes that broke into my apartment. I swear, if I ever find them, I'm going to give them a slow, painful death for the aggravation they have caused me. You see, I moved apartments during the week leading up to Halloween this year. I stayed in the same apartment complex, as the management here has been spectacular, but moved to a 2nd floor apartment next to the apartment management office, where they can keep an eye on my place during the day. Not to mention that, but my car has a garage. I don't think the old girl quite knows what to do with the garage yet, as she's never had a garage in her lifetime. But I'm getting off on tangents now.
In preparation for this move, I called ahead to AT&T to make sure my order was in on time to get my phone and internet switched over. I called on the 21st of October. The lady I talked to (curse her and 5 generations of her family henceforth) put in a change order to switch my phone service and internet to my new place on the 28th. Except that I have come to find out that she (may she burn in hell) put through a disconnect order on my internet rather than a change. Why the fuck would you put through a change on the phone line and a disconnect on internet service? I mean, that fucking worthless, stupid, vapid, script-reading, desk-jockeying, roller-chair monkey tried to sell me on an upgraded internet service for like 15 minutes, the whole while discussing the move and how the internet service would be turned on when I arrived.
I am letting my anger get the better of me, because, at this point, I was still quite happy, my move not having happened and my internet not being lost. I began my move on the Friday before. I sent out my last e-mails Monday evening, the 27th. Then, I moved on the 28th. I came in, plugged in my phone, and WA-LA! My phone worked. This was a good sign. I then plugged in my filter and my DSL modem, and.... nothing. I then began my two week long saga on the phone with AT&T customer support, which is as incompetent as our current president and just as worthless.
I call. The first think you now hear, besides a question in Spanish, is an ADVERTISEMENT for AT&T, telling you how AT&T is ranked #1 in customer satisfaction by some survey or another. Guess what, ass-fucks? The caller ALREADY HAS YOUR FUCKING SERVICE so there's no need for an advertisement. Even worse, THEY'RE CALLING BECAUSE THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THEIR SERVICE, which means that they really don't wan't to hear your company bullshit about how you're #1 in customer satisfaction. It's a fucking lie!
After being forced to listen to their self-aggrandizing verbal masturbation, you get dumped into a phone tree. And it's not even a 'push the button' phone tree; it's one of those voice-recognition pieces of shit. You know, the ones where a voice comes on and says "If you want billing, please say 'Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis pneumonia'." It then reads my phone number back to me in a painfully slow manner and asks me if it's correct. I say 'yes', and then have a 30 second wait for the recorder to stop, have it recognize what I said, and it continues to ramble on, having me say if I'm calling about a DSL problem or a phone problem, what kind of operating system my computer is running, and if I would like to use my customer service ID or my social security number for identification. And EVERY time I used this phone tree, despite saying the EXACT same words at each juncture, I got dumped into a DIFFERENT phone tree level each time. What a piece of shit. I'd say "DSL PROBLEM" and I've been dumped into 5 different tree levels. I do know someone who writes these things, though, which explains a lot, because she's an incredibly self-important and stupid bitch. In any case, the phone tree portion takes 11-14 minutes each time, in the case that you're interested.
Finally, I get through to a live person. Not only do they not speak Enlgish, but the phone tree is of absolutely no use, as they have to ask me what my phone number is, if I'm calling from the # with DSL service, what kind of OS my computer is running and if I'd like to use my SSN or customer ID for identification all over again. Fuck. I get someone who doesn't speak English. They tell me to wait until the next day to see if the DSL comes on. I grumble, but agree.
Day 2. October 29th.
I call. I go through the 14 minute phone tree again. I get some Indian guy who tells me that he can't see any order for me at all, just a disconnect order. I wait on hold for 45 minutes with him while he talks to provisioning. He gets back on and tells me that I should be on Oct 30th. OK, cool, one more day. No big deal.
Day 3. October 30th.
No internet. I call. I go through a 11 minute phone tree. I get someone who puts me on hold for 75 minutes, then tells me that they don't know what's going on, but that my last two orders for service were canceled. They don't know when I'm going to be turned on. He tells me that someone will call back. Amazingly, a guy does call back and tells me that I am now scheduled for turn on November 4th, but he's going to try and get me on by Halloween.
Day 4. Halloween.
No internet. Just because I figured something was wrong, I called again. 13 minute phone tree. Got a guy who was nice but incompetent. He keeps putting me on hold, but I can hear him and the call center; he just can't hear me. He keeps saying "Hello?". Anyway, he calls the provisioning. It's a 45 minute wait. He asks them a question, then he has to ask me, and by the time he gets back to them, they've put him on hold again. Another 45 minutes later, he has to reexplain everything. Then, in switching lines, he accidentally hangs up on me. I wait for him to call back, as he's got my call back number, but apparently he's too dumb for that. So, I call back. Go through the 15 minute phone tree. Then I get this asian bitch who doesn't speak English and can't even get my phone # right. I hang up on her in frustration.
Day 5 & 6 - the weekend - of course, no one works in provisioning during the weekend.
Day 7 - November 3rd.
I call again, to make sure we're on. 12 minute phone tree. 45 minute wait for provisioning after customer service says I have 4 canceled tickets. Provisioning says there is no record of a service ticket for Nov 4. I ask them to connect me on November 6th. They say it's not a problem.
Day 8 - November 4th
I didn't call. I was sick of them.
Day 9 - November 5th.
I call again because I KNOW my order is screwed up already. 14 minute phone tree, 35 minute wait for provisioning after the customer service guy has to call me back twice after we get cut off twice. He can't see any tickets AT ALL, like NO ONE HAS EVER PUT IN AN ORDER FOR ME. He gets provisioning, then they put him on hold for 75 minutes. He tells me that we're not going to get turned on before the next week. He then did something that none of the other assholes did: he said HE'D wait on hold and call me when he got through. And he did. That guy, whose name I can't remember, was fucking awesome, and I told him so. Didn't help me get my internet on any faster, but it at least felt good to not have to sit there on hold and wait for my neck to need a chiropractic adjustment.
Day 11 - November 6th.
I call yet again. 12 minute phone tree. For whatever blessed reason, I got someone from St. Louis. Amazing. Someone who speaks English. And this guy actually gave me provisioning's direct number, and connected me (after 20 minutes on hold) to a person who told me that no orders had ever been put on my account in the correct system, and that I'd be back on Tuesday, November 11th. Well, at least I had some satisfaction.
Day 12 - 15 - November 7th-10th.
I went back home. I flew in on Monday the 10th, and arrived back here. I now have a green DSL light. I call AT&T again. I get the 14 minute phone tree. I then proceed to spend 2 hours on the phone with a DSL tech, who, however nice and helpful she was, was also completely ignorant. I managed to dick around with my settings until my DSL worked. And I got internet. Wasn't supposed to have it yet, but I had it, so fuck them, I'm finally back on, right?
Well, the next day I get a letter in the mail: "Welcome to AT&T! We're so glad you've chosen to become a new AT&T customer..." WTF? I've been with AT&T for years. But wait, they had to send me that letter just to get my DSL back on? Fuck. Then the letter explains that they are going to charge me $79.99 for the setup package and a new modem. Fuuuuuck. I haven't seen that bill yet, but I'm betting it's going to be a clusterfuck of charges, which I will then have to call back about, get through the phone tree again and waste time talking to someone else about.
The NEXT day, I get my bill. Continuous, no outage at all. They have charged me for all of it. Fucktards. I had to call back and get them to cut out 14 days of service, because I'm sure as hell not paying for shit that I didn't get.
As a public service, if you ever have trouble with AT&T not turning you on, don't waste your time with tech support. Provisioning's direct number is 1-866-274-4357, and then the phone tree options are 1-1-1-2-1. Then you get to speak to a live person. Yeah.
So, looking back... AT&T wasted 732 minutes of my time. My phone keeps track of call length. Yes, 732 minutes, or 12.2 hours. And all they did was not charge me $11 for the 14 days of internet I missed. At my nominal pay rate at the lab, that's about $250. How about they fucking pay me that? Of course they won't. Cocksuckers.
Reach out and touch someone? Fuck that. I want to reach out and strangle someone.
posted by ChemicalJesus at 7:02 PM
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